|July 29th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We teach you how to make a Successful Web Site, despite the fact that we don't have one; William Pierce discovers the advantages of Asbestos Undies; and another chapter from our upcoming book Newsgroup Trolling For Dummies.
Renee Koutsouradis is suing Delta airlines for "humiliation" after they made her remove a "sex toy" from her luggage after it began vibrating. Considering how many times we've heard stories like this, might we make the following suggestion; Take the damn batteries out of your dildo before you pack it.
Especially nowadays, where the paranoia factor is helped out by News Agencies and Publicity-Seeking Politicians that tell us that there's Additional Terrorist Attacks Being Planned RIGHT NOW.
Or is it some weird "Oh-how-sexy-we-might-get-caught" kind of thing that we really don't want to know the details of?
And from our Let's Talk About Dildos Some More, Shall We? file; Animal Dildos, which actually features sex toys shaped like The naughty bits of animals. Feel free to make commentary about the people who volunteered for the Research part of these toys.
You people have to learn to be Proper Newsgroup Trolls. A Proper Troll doesn't just pop into a group, leave an idiotic message, then vanish; he responds to every response to his post, within seconds of them appearing on his news server. He adds dozens of non-related groups to the Cross-Posting pool, so that people from, say, the Macintosh Fan Group end up fighting with the Wrestling Fan Group because of all the off-topic follow-ups showing up in their Newsgroups. A Proper Troll claims that anyone who disagrees with him suffers from some sort of mental problem, most likely Pedophilia. Change your Posting Name, and follow up your own posts with "This guy is 100% right!" Sheesh, take some pride in your work, will ya?
Note to Vince McMahon; "The UnAmericans"? That was the best name you could come up with for your latest incarnation of Team Canada? Why not "The Puppy-Kickers" or "The Mean Name-Callers"?
Remember back when the Big Tobacco Lawsuits were going on, and we all had a Big Jolly Laugh, saying "What next? Is some lard-butt gonna sue McDonald's because he's 500 pounds and has Heart blockages?". Well, guess we can all stop laughing now (or start laughing that much harder); Samuel Hirsch, a New York Lawyer, is suing what we guess you'd call Big Fast Food on behalf of his 500 pound client that has heart blockages, claiming that these restaurants don't post proper Nutritional Information, cause addiction in customers just as bad as drugs, and use "deceptive" advertising to lure unsuspecting Poor Folk and Children into the deadly clutches of triple cheeseburgers. Yep, sure sounds like someone got a "365 Buzzwords For Lawsuits" calendar last Christmas.
Another thing these guys want as part of the settlement, besides large checks of course, is for these places to serve "healthy alternatives". Maybe these guys should go out to certain California cities and ask the Burger King franchises there how well the Soy Burgers they forced by Law to sell are moving.
Or better yet, maybe these guys can run Focus Groups to see how kids react to "McGreen Beans" or "BK Brussel Sprouts". Helpful hint, guys; Don't wear clothes you care about.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Las Vegas suffers a major hit to it's Tourist Trade in 2050 after interest drops in Elvis Impersonators. Vegas takes an even bigger hit when hundreds of ex-Elvises, desperate for work, take on the On-Stage persona of another famous singer; Britney Spears.
No one wants to hear your Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin impersonation.
How To Make A Successful Web Site, Part 129; Put up a "Message Board" web site. Give it a name that encourages people to post whiny complaints about things that happen in their life, like "Bad Customers Digest" or "Scary Restaurant Stories". Sit back and watch as posters put up amusing/controversial content for you. Laugh in the face of various lawyers that show up, because owners of Message Boards are not responsible for their content, unlike regular Web Sites.
Quote Of The Time Period That It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "Colors are meant to be mixed, patterns too. That's the fun of living on your own; there are no decorating rules." - Target Corporation's new version of Martha Stewart, Todd Oldham, who is creating a line of Linens and Items to decorate College Dorm Rooms. Uh huh. And we bet Mr. Oldham had plenty of time to study Colors and Patterns swirling around his vision every time he got his ass kicked in School. Unless of course his "Life Story" running on all the Target Ads is just the creation of a self-serving Hype Machine, which never, ever happens. Ever.
We don't know what's scarier; The fact that he's marketing this stuff as "Varsity Punk", which is just trendy-sounding enough to trick parents everywhere into buying unsuspecting kids hundreds of dollars worth of this crap, or that we remembered the name long enough to type it into this column...
Or what's even scarier; Animal Planet is starting to market Jeff "Grabber Of Random Dangerous Animals #334" Corwin as...a Sex Symbol.
And a Moment Of Silence for Clark Gesner, who passed on last week. Mr. Gesner penned the play You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown, which is one of 3 plays (Oklahoma and Guys and Dolls being the other 2) that are still allowed by the PC crowd to be performed relatively As Originally Written by High School Drama Classes.
Why exactly is it news when some video-game company plays out an Upcoming Sports Championship on one of their titles? "We played out the Super Bowl on our Flagship Product, NFL Crush, and the Browns won by 14 points". Yeah, great, we'll run right out and bet it all on the Browns because 2 guys who we've never met played a game we've never played and came up with that result. Thanks for the heads-up.
And a Moment Of Very Boisterous And Rude Hooting for William Pierce, Genetic Error, who also passed on last week. Some of you may remember Mr. Pierce as the author of The Turner Diaries, a delightful romp about a bunch of Brain Trusts committing crimes in hope of starting a world-wide Race War. Or something. Apparently, you have to read this book in order to participate in any White Supremist Societies, most of which are either poorly-coded web sites or small shacks out in the middle of Unabomber Acres, Montana. Also supposedly, this book has influenced a lot of Home Grown Terrorist Idiots, like the Goof Patrol that bombed the Oklahoma Federal Building. He reportedly died of Kidney Failure, which, if we recall, is a very painful way to go. But not the most painful, which is a bit of a shame, huh?
Mr. Pierce was also the head of the National Alliance, a White Supremist Militant Organization located deep in the Appalachians, on what appears to be an abandoned Paintball Course, where his followers display their bravery and dedication by wearing Masks whenever they spot lurking cameras. News Flash, guys; No one's really impressed or scared by what appears to be a Heavily-Armed version of the Little Rascals' "He-Man Woman Haters Club.".
Sorry to prattle on about this, but Morons like this are a Pet Peeve of ours. Their lives didn't turn out to be the Path To Unlimited Cash And Loose Women that they thought it should be, so they look for outside forces to blame. Like Minorities, the Government, Opposing Political Parties, People of Different Religions/Sexual Orientations, and so on. And they don't need any encouragement from Doofuses that sit in their "Compounds" out in the woods and masturbate to pictures of Adolph and Il Duce. Free Speech, yes. Also, Responsibility, Yes.
Why Video Games Fail; Doom III won at least 5 Best Game Of Show Awards at E3...based on a non-playable Demo Reel of Cut-Scenes. Yes, let the Hype Machine begin, building a fever pitch that the game can't possibly live up to, based on as-yet non-existent Graphics and Gameplay.
No, you're not seeing things. Disney has actually released a movie called The Country Bears, based on the Animatronic "Attraction" at Disney World Country Bears Jamboree. And here's the scarier part; There's at least 2 more movies planned in this "Based On Disney World" Series, the first of which is The Haunted Mansion, which we're sure will end up being a film about Misunderstood Ghosts and the Evil People they encounter in their house.
The second one will supposedly be Pirates Of The Caribbean, the stirring story of Bold Pirates and the Conniving Waitresses that conspire to keep platters of food away from them. Because Pirates were never Un-PC enough to look at, and pursue, women as Sex Objects, ever.
Insert your favorite It's A Small World future movie bit here, because we're sure there hasn't been a couple of million done by now.
The makers of The Drew Carey Show have decided to do away with most of the "Gimmick" shows they've done, like the Live Shows and the "Spot The Mistakes" episodes, because they seem to have not worked out well. Here's an idea; How about trying a gimmick where the show is actually FUNNY. Or at least Interesting enough to make getting up off the couch and looking for the remote more trouble than it's worth.
Can we just say, after the fact, that seeing Devo dressed as Mojo-Jojo and singing a song to The PowerPuff Girls was one of the most disturbing things we've seen on Cable TV Yet?
And this includes other random scary Cable Stuff, like Live Surgeries, Anime Film Festivals, and endless reruns of America's Funniest Animals And The Owners Who We Swear Don't Set These Shots Up.
How To Hype A Video Game, Part 730; Make the claim that your title "Takes it to the Next Level". No one ever asks "Takes what to where, now?".
Balthayzr has a copy of The Turner Diaries sitting on the same bookshelf as The Satanic Bible and Dianetics, so he has a lot of material to randomly quote at religious folk that come to his door.