|September 9th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We discuss 9/11 quite a bit, because we're pretty sure we're required to by Law; Wonder what kind of drugs they're putting into the Olive Oil in Greece; And ask people to stop fondling their dollies in public.
So, the WWE is gonna take their Ambiguous Gay Duo, Billy and Chuck, and make them Unambiguous by having them participate in a "Commitment Ceremony" (for those of you playing along at home, this is the term for a Same Sex Wedding in places where they don't allow Same Sex Weddings). And we'd like to point out to the WWE that, even if they play this out strai...uh, seriously, they're in for a *lot* of trouble from the self-appointed Watchdogs from both sides of the aisle (oops)...
And we'd like to commend Billy and Chuck for going thru with an angle that's gonna come back and bite them on the as...uh, haunt them for the rest of their careers. Because not everyone's as Open Minded about Homosexuality, even pretend Homosexuality, like the WWE, huh, kids?
Oh, God, so many opportunities for so many bad puns. Must....be....strong....
Of course, RAW is promising (and not delivering, dammit!) Hot Lesbian Action, so nice that they're being Equal Opportunity Offenders, here.
Ya know, we're beginning to think that the Master Plan of 9/11 wasn't to Cripple The World's Economy And The U.S. By Destroying A Center Of Trade. We're beginning to think that the plot was to Cripple the Ecomony by tossing another unofficial "holiday" in the mix, the holiday being this Annual "Why Did this Happen, Let's Have A Day Of Mourning To Figure It Out" whorefest you can see percolating...
Wanna know the best way to Honor The 9/11 Dead? Get on with your Fucking Lives. Stop beating yourself up over this every day. Stop buying "America RULEZ!" T-shirts, thinking this somehow helps. Stop reacting to the morons that say the entire fiasco was Our Fault. Just go back about your Business As Usual.
In fact, First Lady Laura Bush seems to have the best idea: On 9/11, turn off the damn TV and go do something constructive rather than torture yourself and your family.
Speaking of; The routine where you Newsgroup Trolls pretend to be an Osama Worshipper, and do these odd rants about the Jews and Death To America and the like? Might want to find a new Attention Getter, because even the slowest newbies have kinda caught onto this Flame Bait by now.
Sign That Perhaps, Just Perhaps, There Is Hope For Us After All; A couple of Ghouls are selling Kurt Cobain's childhood home on Ebay. And, as of this past Sunday, they hadn't had a single bid.
So, got your Windows XP installation working close to flawlessly yet? Got all those patches installed, and Bug Workarounds memorized? Good. Now go download Windows XP Service Pack 1 so you can play that game all over again.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 3312, the final "Osama And His Bunch Hint At Terrorist Attacks" video tape is discovered, bringing the Grand Total to 2,300,904. Further investigations show that the final collapse of Al-Qaida happened not because of any military or political action, but because they went bankrupt buying blank video tapes one at a time from the convenience store down the block instead of saving money by buying in Bulk.
And to harp on the subject some more, because God knows we're not above whoring a point; Sites dealing with Publishing News are estimating that they'll be over 100 new titles dealing with 9/11 on Bookshelves everywhere this Fall and Winter. Just a heads-up to anyone who's gonna get stuck on the Returns Counter this coming Christmas Season.
A small bit of advice so you avoid being violently murdered in department stores: When the stores in question have a display of "Singing" dolls at a register (You know the types. You squeeze them and a microchip screeches out about 3 minutes of tinny music that stops being amusing after 30 seconds), try to avoid playing with them. See, you are not the only person on Earth. There are others about, standing in line with you, who are completely satisfied hearing the song just once, thanks. You are not a Wacky Funster because you set the damn thing off more than once, or worse decide all the dollies in the display need to have a Sing-Along.
Also think of the poor folks that work there, who've probably heard this thing go off about 100 times in the past hour, and, in most stores, have access to a well-supplied Tool Department.
Holy Crap. We know Jerry Lewis is on Steroids for a lung condition, which is why he looks like Marlon Brando with a dead cat on his head, but jeez. Is it really healthy to be that big when you also got diabetes? Yeah, sure, cure the lungs and rot the kidneys and legs, that works.
We'd also like to point out at this point that his current wife's name is SanDee, but likes to be called Sam. What the hell's the point of the Trendy Hollywood Name if your nickname is "Sam"?
Poor N'Sync's Lance Bass. Seems his Producers couldn't produce the 20 Million bucks the Ruskies needed for his Space Admission, so he's been booted off the mission. Our theory being, of course, that he completely Pussied Out and figured this way, all the screaming girls would blame his EEEEEvil Producers instead of just laughing at him.
We especially enjoyed the Press Release that stated Lance would be replaced by a "Cargo Container weighing about the same as Bass". That's gotta bunch the ol' Ego's undies a bit...
And yes, we know stores are putting their Xmas stuff earlier and earlier. Reason is every store wants to be first, so hopefully you buy your stuff from them. Please find something *worthwhile* to bitch about ("Wow, have you noticed how AIDS and Cancer have vanished off the face of the Earth since that law got passed about not putting Xmas Stuff out until December 1st?").
Amusing part of this being, we know people who work in Retail. And they tell us people *also* bitch when the stores don't put their Xmas stuff out "on time".
Yes, the best way to insure that we'll Bookmark your site and come back every day is to have Pop-Up Windows that attempt to download some program like a "MP3 Searcher" or "Desktop Stripper" or the like. Although we have to admit it's not *quite* as annoying as the Endless Parade Of Pop-Ups routine...
From our There's A Fly In The House, Someone Hand Me That Bazooka file; Greece has outlawed *all* forms of Electronic entertainment, from Gameboys to Computer Games to Cell Phones that play Pac-man. And it's not what you think. This isn't an Anti-Violence crusade, but instead is a crackdown on Electronic Gambling Devices. Problem is, supposedly no one in the Greek Government knows what an Electronic Gambling Device looks like. So, to be safe, they've outlaws all Electronic Games. Fines go from 5,000 to 75,000 bucks, with jail time from 1-12 months, and apply even to tourists, meaning that if Little Johnny walks off the airplane playing Pokemon Silver, Mommy and Daddy get slapped with a fine. Nice that Greece seems to have stumbled onto the Ultimate Tourist Trap, here. Why collect 50 bucks for speeding tickets when you can find a Tetris Keychain on someone and take *all* their cash at once, without these dirty tourists getting McDonald's wrappers all over your Antiquities?
Yeah, yeah, c'mon. Get all your "Backward Country" jokes out of your system.
The good folk at the Sci-Fi channel, once again showing the intelligence and empathy toward their viewers that's getting them dropped from cable line-ups left and right, decided at the Zero Hour to opt-out of their contract for Farscape, thus making this the last season. This was announced in a Sci-Fi chat a few days ago with Farscape producer David Kemper and star Ben Browder. Is it too much to hope that these two showed up drunk to this chat, and told people to stop watching the Sci-Fi channel, just like our personal hero Kevin Murphy?
Here's an interesting story; Seems the famous 9/11 Flag, the one that the 3 firefighters flew over the wreckage of the Towers, has gone missing. The flag currently in possession is the wrong size, as was noticed by the flag's actual owners, a couple of people that own a yacht that the flag was "borrowed" from. So, suppose one could be a complete spoil-sport and note that one of the most famous flags on Earth was one that was...stolen from it's rightful owners in the first place. Feel free to troll your favorite newsgroups with this little bit of nonsense.
People who were in TV shows back in the 60's and 70's showing up in Modern Sitcoms as Older Relatives/Acquaintances of the show's characters, have *just* about worn out their welcome.
And when your Radio Station advertises a Commercial-Free Hour, no fair cheating by claiming your DJ reading some copy doesn't count as a Commercial.
Historical Moment on RAW this evening; When was the last time you saw someone win a match clean with a Sleeper Hold?
Huh. For some reason, bragging that we went to the Burning Man Celebration hasn't had the drop-down-and-worship-our-kewlness factor we were hoping for. Maybe we should have read their web site and had ready answers about what goes on there before we opened our big mouth...
Balthayzr is sure most people don't go to Burning Man because they heard them girlies there walk around Nekkid.