Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

August 19th, 2002
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July 26, 1999

A Random Xmas

August 26th, 2002

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Asses show their asses; We show that adding the letter "X" to anything makes it instantly Kewler; And speak about Eminem like we actually listen to anything else on the radio besides the non-threatening Oldies Stations.

From our The HELL? file, we bring you; Mooning Amtrak Trains, Southern California USA, which, as you've probably figured out by now, is a web site about a bunch of people getting together to show their asses to passing Amtrak Trains. And we're not sure which is more disturbing; That they actually went to the trouble to register a website about mooning trains, or that, from the pictures, it looks like they got a pretty decent turnout.

Is anyone actually surprised that this little bit of civil disobedience took place across the street from a Bar? We know we are.

The part that's probably the most disturbing of all; Some of these people probably see this as an actual Strike Against Corporate America, and not just a way to get TV Stations to interview the participants with the bar conveniently located in the background.

By the way, you're not considered "kewl" on the Internet unless you've gotten the Mysterious Nigerian "We Need To Transfer 30 Million Dollars To Your Country, Can We Have Your Bank Account Number" Spam. If you haven't yet received it, you might wish to write yourself one and send it to your computer at work before folks begin to talk.

Speaking of surprises, who else is shocked that "shock jocks" Opie and Anthony haven't, at the time of this writing, been hired by another radio station? C'mon, guys, you have to strike before all the baby kidnappings push these two off the front pages!

Correction From Last Week; Nickelodeon has not "commissioned" these new Speed Racer cartoons. Seems DIC was rummaging around in the same garbage cans Saban is always into, and managed to stumble across this remake from 1997. We here at SCHIZOTRICHIA would apologize for the mistake if we actually thought that this was something someone could sue us over.

We would also be concerned if our research consisted of anything more than seeing something odd on TV, scribbling it down on a sheet of paper, and then trying to decipher it the following Monday ("Anyone know what "Chod Clinton To Alps Greetings" means?").

Oh, and the name of the show appears to be Speed Racer X. Ooh, time to drive up to Best Buy for a fresh pack of video tapes!

And as much as it sounds like a bad bumper sticker; Real Life Does Not Have A Spell Checker. You might want to brush up a bit so you don't look like a complete moron, and thus an appealing target in the next round of layoffs at your work.

Yes, everyone on Earth has heard that bit on how every fortune from a Fortune Cookie becomes screamingly funny if you add "In Bed" to the end of it. And we're sure the people who work in places that serve fortune cookies never tire of hearing about it.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Seeing his 15 Minutes Of Fame Fading Fast, Millionaire Steve Fossett will take his One Big Accomplishment a step further; He becomes the First Man To Go Around The Earth In a Balloon...The Opposite Way.

You are also the only person on Earth who's asked the people behind the counters at Burger King if the Tacos are made from all the unsold Hamburgers.

And as long as we seem to be in this pissy mood; Could we please have no more plays/movies about the wackyness leading up to a Wedding?

Ah, August/September. When all the Movies made for Summer Audiences, but the distributors know are Complete Loads Of Crapola, get released. Just ask Eddie Murphy, whose Adventures Of Pluto Nash isn't making enough money to pay for the yellow stuff they spray on the movie theatre popcorn. The lesson here being that Crapola is still Crapola, and will be recognized as Crapola, even if you con a popular Actor into starring in it.

The real scary part of that being; In order to re-establish his Star Status, he's probably gonna want to crank out another tried-and-true Formula Movie, like Beverly Hills Cop or Nutty Professor.

Incoming Clue Alert; When you have less that 50% of your Original Band Members Left, maybe it's time to call it quits.

And a Moment Of Silence for Robert Borkenstein, Inventor of the Breathalyzer, who passed on last week. Yes, without the tireless efforts of Mr. Borkenstein, there would be a large, empty place on the bulletin board of every police station in the world instead of the wacky cartoon featuring a Blond On Her Knees In Front Of a Nude Officer, Head In His Groin, Who Is Asking Officer Friendly If She's Doing The Breath Test Correctly. Godspeed, Sir.

Several news reports are stating that some Saudi Princes paid Osama to "leave them alone". So, that's what 9/11 was all about? We didn't pay the Protection Money? "Nice city you got here, Mayor. Shame if something happened to it."

New Word We Learned From The Internet, Thus Proving It's Usefulness As A Teaching Tool; "Till Gimp", another word for "cashier". Try using it in normal conversation, especially in Fast Food Stores where the cashier also prepares your food.

RAW Sign Of The Night; "Does Brock Lift Weights?".

Note to MSNBC; "America's News Channel"? Way to jump on the bandwagon 10 months late. What next, "Watch Donahue or the Terrorists Win!"?

Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "No more kids, no more wives, I've learned my lesson." - Rapper Eminem, in a recent interview, showing that the peroxide on his hair hasn't completely chewed up his brain cells. Because this cuts down on the number of family members who'll be flooding QVC with Eminem Throw Rugs and Novelty Clocks after the lad shuffles off this mortal coil.

Okay, think we have *quite* enough books that attempt to explain the Islamic religion to us, thank you very much. We're not much of a Religious Studies Major, but we're pretty sure True Islam doesn't ask it's followers to fly Jets Into Buildings. At least, not stated that way. More like in the form of a Parable or something.

Note to Ice Mountain; Yeah, nothing like having a slowly dying Snowman as a mascot to make one run right out and buy some bottled water. Are we supposed to pretend it some of him we're drinking, or what?

Sign That We, As A Civilization, Are Doomed; Jell-O's new product, X-treme Jell-O, which is so much better for kids than regular Jell-O because it comes in radioactive Day-Glow colors, and is not just extreme, but X-Treme.

Judging from the many message boards we read, typing "<3" instead of a Curse Word is supposedly the Height Of Wit. And probably easier to get by the filters.

From a recent Best Buy ad - "TechTV has Partnered with Best Buy to create the Technotainment Zone!" :translation: "TechTV has tried to patch the holes in it's sinking ship by selling Infomercial time to Best Buy and trying to convince our viewers that it's Regular Programming.".

Here's your Oddball Fact For The Week; There's a "International Federation Of Competitive Eating" out there, that actually sets up rules and regulations for all those pie-eating contests you see those Human Mountain Ranges competing in. Wonder how they enforce the rules when some guy cheats. Make him heave up so as to even everything out? Assign him 3 minutes in the Slim-Fast Box? Make him listen to psuedo-Seinfeld bits?

And why are you reading this when Fattening Frogs For Snakes, the new album by John Sinclair and His Blues Scholars, is in stores NOW?

Balthayzr is off right now enjoying a 6-pack of Research.

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