|August 19th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We watch way too many cartoons for our own good; People die, we make fun of them, repeat as necessary; and we wonder how many Hit Points the Holy Spirit has.
What's worse than the idiots that park in Handicapped Spaces? Idiots that feel that it's their Personal Duty to patrol these spaces, and run up screaming at anyone who parks in these spaces and doesn't look like he's about 2 minutes from a 6-foot tall Pine Box.
¡Mucha Lucha!, or If You Can't Be Funny Or Original, Just Be Weird. That Way, When Your Show Is Cancelled, You Can Do Many Interviews Where You Can Claim People "Just Didn't Get It"..
Here's a little verbal sack of flaming dog poop to toss into the next boring conversation you get into; The FBI is still sitting on the remains of 9 of the 9/11 Hijackers, because they're unsure of the proper way to dispose of them. Ask folk to give their own suggestions. Show your work.
From our Kill God, Because He Has Those Neato Tablets For Loot file; Promised Land, a RPG that, from the description, is about an Alternate Universe where Moses somehow lead his followers into Everquest. Or Something. And we won't even comment on how the "Religion" link leads to a page labeled "Hardship".
How can you *not* play a game that contains the disclaimer "The four "gods" worshipped during gameplay are completely fictional and should be treated as such if you feel as though you are sinning against your own.". As opposed to Actually Worshipping pretend gods in a video game, which were pretty sure several religions say is all right.
And a Moment of Silence for Dave Williams, frontman for this month's "Screaming into the mike" rock group Drowning Pool, who was found dead in his tour bus last week. We're gonna go out on a limb here and make this prediction; 1) He died of a drug Overdose, or as a result of many years of drug use, or 2) He died from some disease that he kept secret from friends and family, so that all of us making the Drug Assumption can feel bad about ourselves.
Oh, and 8 million people have already made the "Body Hit The Floor" remark. Let it go.
Movie Rule #336 - Women Plotting Against Men; What Strong Role Models. Hilarity Ensues. Men Deserve What They Get - Men Plotting Against Women; What Pigs. Women Must Discover Plot, and Men Must Get What They Deserve.
Ya know, maybe more of us would eat Healthy, Organic foods if the damn stuff didn't cost 30 bucks a pound. Because the argument for buying 3 Double Cheeseburgers sounds better and better when we're holding a 10 dollar "Organic" bunch of carrots.
It is no longer amusing to draw a picture of some Real-Life person, such as a Wrestler or Singer, in the manner of a South Park Character for your Web Page or Poster.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2099, America On Line finally dies, the victim of multiple Mergers, Corporate Spin-Offs, and Restructurings. In 2199, the last AOL Sign-Up Disc hits the mailbox of a poor farmer in Paducah, Kentucky. In 2898, the last bad "AOL Sign-Up Disc" joke is told, sounding remarkably like this one.
How To Write A Rant Column, Lesson #44; Here's your Actual True-Life News Article; "Hooters of America Inc. chairman Robert H. Brooks is thinking about buying Vanguard, the Kansas City-based discount carrier that filed for bankruptcy protection and grounded its fleet last month. This will create a newly formed company called Hooters Air Inc.". You have 30 minutes to come up with at least 3 witty comments, only 2 of which can contain the word "Breast". Number 2 pencils only, please.
Nothing we've ever eaten that's claimed to be "Watermelon" flavor, whether it be Soda, Candy, Gum, or what-have-you, has ever come close to tasting anything like Watermelon. Harsh words, yes, but words that needed to be said.
It is no longer amusing to use "DevNull" as your Online Name. If it ever was, is open for debate.
And a Moment Of Silence for Ed Headrick, so-called "Inventor Of The Modern Frisbee", who passed on last week at the age of 79. And now is your chance to own a piece of Modern History; his ashes are to be added to a plastic mixture, and molded into Frisbees, to be given away to family members and people who make donations in his name. The Moral of the story being; If what you do in life doesn't bring you Fame, have your family do something wacky with your remains so you may enjoy fame after Death.
"The Modern Frisbee". As opposed to the Medieval Frisbee or the Ming Dynasty Frisbee.
Insert your own "Ted Williams remains" bit here.
So, Lisa Marie "No, Michael, Bubbles Cannot Sleep With Us" Presley marries Nicholas "So, We're Not Doing The Death Of Superman, right?" Cage in a small Hawaiian Ceremony. Reports say that they happy couple had Daddy Elvis seanced up so they could get his blessing, which he reportedly gave. Which is odd, because supposedly Michael Jackson, a couple of months after their set of nuptuals, asked her if he could have her father conjured up in order to bestow his blessing upon them, and Lisa said no, claiming such things went against her Scientological teachings. The scariest part being that we cared enough about this little car crash to actually go out and do research on it.
Oh, by the by, Mrs. Cage; We already have an Angelina Jolie. But you can leave your application at the front desk, thanks.
From our Hey, You Never Know Unless You Ask file; Martha "Who the hell really counts threads in a sheet?" Stewart, or at least her handlers, have written a letter to Congress, asking that she not only be found Innocent of all charges, but that Congress draft an Official Letter stating that she's Innocent and showing support for her. Guess all you folks out there in jail feel really stupid now, huh? All you had to do was ask Congress for a Letter Of Recommendation, and you could be sleeping in your own bed right now! This is why she gets to go on TV and show us how to make Holiday Decorations out of mucus, and you're trying to avoid being traded to Bubba for a carton of Kool Lights.
So we turn on Cartoon Network the other day, and actually get Punished For Our Sins by seeing... a new Episode of He-Man. Seems Cartoon Network has decided to create a series of "Retro" cartoons, which will include new episodes of Transformers (which we're assuming is nothing like the "new" series we had a few years ago, which was just the old series with new computer generated Scene Wipes and a couple of characters getting their voices re-dubbed) and Thundercats. And we're gonna take a wild guess here, and say that the release of each series will coincide with the release of a new series of Tie-In Action Figures, which people desperate to re-live their youth will go out and spend the Electric Bill money on.
Meanwhile, Nickelodeon has commissioned a new series of Speed Racer cartoons, which we'll assume are completely different from the new Speed Racer cartoons from the 80's. News Flash, Kiddies; Just because some people feel nostalgic for the Wasted Days Of Their Youth, doesn't mean they're gonna sit down and watch crapola they used to stay glued to when they were 5. Remember a few years back, when MTV started showing the classic Speed Racer cartoons, and they crashed and burned? Big difference between buying a new Impossibles T-shirt as a joke, and actually sitting thru that stuff again.
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "By the way. where are all the black businesses that don't participate? In Particular, drug dealers that take millions out of the community and go to white and korean-owned businesses to buy expensive Jewelry, fancy cars, etc. and don't do nothing with their riches to better the community." - Feeman Beckless, of the Chicago Defender, bemoaning the lack of Playas in the annual Chicago Bud Billiken parade, in an e-mail to a local Newspaper Columnist. We're not sure which is more disturbing; that Beckless considers drug dealers Local Businessmen, or that he seems to be more concerned with the money they're spending in places he doesn't approve of, than the fact that the money came from selling Illegal Substances to people too mentally fried to know better.
Regional Air Traffic Controllers from Boston had a press conference last week, in which they outlined "In detail" what happened to the 2 planes that hit the World Trade Center; To paraphrase, the planes took off, they lost radio communication, they lost radar contact as the hijackers turned off the airplane transponders, Plane 1 hit Tower 1, Boston FAA grounded the rest of that day's flights, Plane 2 hit Tower 2. Yeah, thanks for clearing that up, guys.
Swimfan; or It's Nothing Like "The Crush" Or "Fatal Attraction" Or Any Other Of Those Crazed Stalker Movies, Honest!.
Sign Your Life Hasn't Exactly Turned Out For The Best; If you've downloaded the Complete Walkthrough/Cheat Codes for a game you haven't bought yet, or if you've bought the 20 dollar "Strategy Guide" at the same time you've purchased the game.
Note to people who post in On-Line Forums; There are more "avatar" pictures in the world than pictures of Cats, LOTR characters, and Anime Denizens. Don't make us come up there. Thank you.
Software Companies really need to take more care on what they affix Serial Numbers for their products on. Judging from all the posts we read in the various Warez groups, lots and lots of people seem to be misplacing their serial numbers, and need to turn to the generosity of Strangers for help in getting new ones without bothering the Companies In Question about it.
And why are you sitting here reading this when the Complete Sleepaway Camp Collection Boxed Set is out on DVD?
Balthayzr has had his on Pre-Order for months.