Welcome to this special "Easter Easter Egg" version of the biggest little Schizotrichia in the world, also know as the "I Want My Cuban Refugee Son Back" edition. This week we gamble and win, so continue on at your own risk!

If you're gonna have a protest march, try not to look like idiot hippie rejects with your plastic bucket banging and ray-tard chants...

But please do look like whiny morons when you cry about the tear gas burning your eyes, because that's good entertainment...

The Bodyblade Total Body Exerciser, for people who have $75 to spend and are too dumb to use an old ski...

Do I really want my news to be "edgy"? I'm guessing, no...

I think I get it now - the point of saving for retirement is so you can gamble it all away on the nickel slots, right? Makes sense to me...

Again, we need to get cracking and consolidate all those tiny east coast states...

Look for "Spirit of the Line Dance" to hit the Eldorado casino soon, because all fads must pass through there first before officially being declared dead...

John Cusack is quite an entertaining and amusing actor who could kickbox the average man's ass into next week...

Damn it, when will people realize that Elian just wants to get his little alien friend back to his spaceship?!

Ehhhhhhhhhhlian...

Old Navy, the store with a limited variety of overpriced clothes that's constantly filled with annoying little punk ass kids...

You might be vain if you have a job requiring you to wear a phone headset, and you feel the need to use a mirror to make sure it doesn't mess up your hair...

I got yer colored eggs right here, bay-bee!

To that guy in the grey Honda Accord behind me at the stop sign near Talbot's toy store in San Mateo, CA: My rear view mirror did in fact allow me to see you shove your entire index finger up your nose and then quickly into your mouth...

And had I been eating, I would have set my parking brake, gotten out of my car, and vomited on yours...

If you're gonna pack a bunch of urinals 3 inches apart from each other to save space, the least you could do is put those little dividers next to them, and not because of the whole "I don't want to accidentally see another man's penis" factor, but because splashback exists and is alive in this new pseudomillennium...

And we all know the reason to watch "The Antiques Roadshow" is to see the disappointed faces of people when they're told the crap they bought for $100 at a garage sale isn't even worth a dime...

Expect to see me on "The Antiques Roadshow" insisting that a wooden paper towel holder I made in middle school is a collectible Victorian piece that may or may not have been owned by George Washington...

If you're playing a row of 5 slot machines at the same time, you just might have a gambling problem...

El Rapido, isn't...

K-mart is offering free internet access through bluelight.com. Why does this bother me?

Why does the person with the greasiest fingers always have to be the one to touch your computer monitor or TV screen?

And I finally have lost my fear of death having heard a techno dance club house mix version of "Danny Boy."

Don't forget about peace on Earth and the purity of essence...

I've been a computer geek since 7th grade, and have suffered through the use of BBSes and 1200-2400 baud modems; that's why it's so grrrrrrrrreat that there are people who mocked computer geeks years ago and just starting using the net that have broadband access at home, while I have to wait until August for cable modems to roll-out in my area. So, comedy or divine retribution for a past life?

Such a shame they cancelled "Forgive and Forget," because much like "The Antiques Roadshow," we only watched it to laugh our asses off when the person who was supposed to do the forgiving and forgetting, didn't and wasn't on the other side of that door...

Tara Reid needs to be bent over an American baked pastry while people repeatedly take "body shots."

Content is king; distribution is queen...

Take notice that there are always 2 lines outside of women's restrooms at big events - the line of women waiting to use the restroom, and the line of men waiting for their wo-men to finish using the restroom...

drunks@homegame.org is your baccarat MASTER without a snowglobe.

Return to Schizotrichia

Return to HGNews