Congrats on finding this week's "April Fool Me One Time, Shame On Me Easter Egg" Schizotrichia. This week's FREE Schizotrichia tells you to REVOLT against DVD manufacturers and their need to rape you through that little hole in the center of the disk. Reading and knowing the DVD truth might put your life in danger, so continue on at your own risk!

Certain people might benefit from life more if they decided to redefine their fear into potential...

It's all about spending money on luxuries for yourself, then mentioning it in front of people you have monetary debts to...

Then again it's a luxury and was purchased to impress others, so I guess it's okay...

You know what I fucking do not goddamn appreciate? Spending some decent money to buy a DVD and being forced to watch 15 minutes worth of crap ass movie trailers each time I pop the DVD into the player. You know, you little movie studios think you're so fucking cute locking my player so I can't instantly skip ahead to other titles or chapters, thereby ensuring I "watch" said crap ass trailers, but you're pushing some DIVX limits here you cock blisters. Do not make me ensure that everyone gets OC-48 super broadband lines just to pirate your fucking movies, because I will. I swear to God I will make it happen through lots of soul selling and negative thoughts. True, true, I can fast forward through the trailers, but that brings me back to the age of ancient VCRs, not the new digital age of DVDs where every chapter is only one quick button push away, you dirty BASTARDS...

How can people care about a little Cuban kid that might or might not grow up into a good baseball player when I have to pay $2.05/gallon for gas? Let's get our priorities straight dammit!

And I'm quite sure that little Elian will get returned to Cuba where he'll live a horrible and sheltered life, causing him to grow bitter towards the US for sending him back, so that in 15 years he'll end up as Cuba's new dictator and blow us up out of spite...

Jessica Alba needs to be bent over a giant, plush Flipper and rubbed with an idle hand...

You know, the government should consider hiring the people who work for college alumni associations, because regardless of how well you think you've covered your tracks and retreated from society, they always manage to find you, wake you at 8am, and ask for donations to build a new sign for the school...

I'm very surprised that the new fashion rage at the Oscars was not a broomstick...

Can I smell what the Rock is cooking? If I'm supposed to be smelling homosexual subtext, then yes I do...

Call me a hard bastard, but when I go into a store and see the Salvation Army guy out front, I like to make sure I leave the store jingling a handful of change just so I can tell the guy, "Sorry, don't have change."

Now you might think because of that MEAN shit I pull on Salvation Army guys, the whole DVD-trailer thing is karma coming back to bite me in the ass. Well, in that case, enjoy my karma biting all of you DVD buyers in the collective arses...

Because I'm so sure the people those "Braille and Picture Menu Available Upon Request" signs are directed at can see them...

Is there anything better than driving in your car and then sneezing so you end up with a big, wet, piece of snot on your steering wheel?

And I'm sure at least 10% of all car accidents happen due to people trying to clean up the mucous, but they just say they "nodded off."

Why is it that when I pay for something in a retail store, the cashier often asks me, "Will this be all?" What the hell are they expecting me to say? "Actually, no. I have a whole ton of shopping left to do, but I accidentally got into the check out line and was too embarrassed to leave. Thanks so much for giving me an out so I can buy more crap!"

You know what's fun? Greg Dark, former porn movie director and Adult Video Awards Hall of Famer, directed both Britney Spears' and Mandy Moore's latest music videos...

Jet Li is literally one kick ass actor who needs to be in many, many more American movies...

Remember kids, a violent conquest is much more fulfilling than receiving gentle consent...

It's been a while since I've mentioned that Jay Leno sucks...

Jay Leno sucks...

With new advancements in graphics and game technology, look for fighting games to once again become very popular when someone releases a "Battling Deities" game, because we all want to see Jesus use his crown of thorns finishing move on Buddha...

These orthotri-cycline birth control ads are too obtuse with their, "I'm married, but my husband and I don't want kids now" message. They need to be honest and get to the point - "The pill: Now you can fuck all you want with only a 1% chance of getting accidentally knocked up and needing a back alley abortion."

And I'm so glad that the pill has its own webpage, because I need a Flash animated cartoon of a talking birth control pill and a Shockwave game where I have to block eggs from leaving an ovary...

It's a shame they put a "do not operate motor vehicles or heavy machinery" warning on the side of sleeping pill/aid containers, because I usually like to pop sleeping pills before going on a long drive, and not before I lie down in a comfy bed...

drunks@homegame.org doesn't like to pitch tents up asses, and he looks down on the insecure who do.

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