It's 2000 and we're all still fucking alive! Damn that sucks shit! I wasted 22 years of my life slacking because I thought trying to accomplish something with my life would be useless, what with having a ring side seat to the end of mankind and everything. Now I might actually have to do something with my life...FUCKERS! Maybe I'll go invent some flying cars or underwater bubble houses. Anyhoo, good job on finding this "Three Kings Egg" version of SCHIZOTRICHIA which is just me venting and answering more e-mails. Enjoy my fucking myrrh and continue on at your own risk!

Date: December 10, 1999
Subject: Photo
From: Alison & Arnold Becker (aabecker@XXXXXX)

Can we get an autographed photo to jack off to?

Sure.

Date: December 24, 1999
Subject: porn much?
From: Sayre Jimenez (happyjimenez@XXXXXX)

why do you fixate on porn so much?

Porn makes the world go 'round. VHS beat Beta because of porn. DVD beat DIVX because of multi-angle porn. Small video stores are alive because the big chains refuse to rent out porn. The Internet exists because of porn. Next to content, porn is king. Keep in mind, I've only seen 3 porn movies, but I have the ability to recognize its power. I'm enlightened that way.

Date: November 25, 1999
Subject: schiz
From: ocm1221@XXXXXX

y r u so mad?

Because of people like you who reduce words down to single letters. That and all skate boarders must die. They must burn in hell and their wooden skateboards must fuel the flames.

Date: December 18, 1999
Subject: X-mas gift
From: Dianne Crick (dmcrick@XXXXXX)

can I send you my panties? (I stained them with my love juices)

Sorry, I'm not into that type of thing. You may want to try the rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc newsgroup. Keep in mind, I can't stop you from sending them to me, but if you do, I can't promise they won't go on auction at E-bay.

Date: November 12, 1999
Subject: music
From: dvlrockr@XXXXXX

I bet you really like Satan rock music, don't you?

Not really. For the most part I listen to classical music and movie scores or soundtracks, but I do listen to what currently passes as alterna-rock-whatever-it's-being-called-these-days music (e.g. Foo Fighters, Garbage, Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine). I'll also listen to Weird Al, and when I've gone through a bad break-up or am having my period, I might listen to Sarah McLachlan. I have also been known to pop in a tape of traditional Irish folk or Indian sitar music. Lately, however, I'm looking into rap, because it seems to be ultimate future of all music as rappers seem to be able to put out several new albums long after their deaths, unlike those Nirvana rockers, who have yet to release something new.

Date: December 24, 1999
Subject: Holidays
From: Eric Heisenberg (ericjh@XXXXXX)

How does someone like you enjoy the holidays?

I don't.

Date: January 1, 2000
Subject: Y@K
From: Gerald Vasalia (vasalia1@XXXXXX)

Did you survive y2k?

Yes...and no. I am indeed Y2K compliant, but as part of my New Year's resolutions that Rod Unks guy you knew last year is dead. Prepare for a more bitter, MEAN, and cynical Rod Unks - one who's decided to eliminate any compassion and happiness through an emotional crucible constructed in Hades. Then again, I have been known to not follow through on a resolution or two, so come to the faire and press your fucking luck, asshole.

Date: December 29, 1999
Subject: GAYLORD!
From: orinoko456@XXXXXX

Your gay right? cuz any hetero guy would never hate women as much as you do

I'm only 3% gay, which is average among heterosexual men. You see, it's possible to hate women and what they stand for, but still enjoy GITTING IT ON with them. And to satiate all you people who bicker about my apparent loathing of women, let me explain the evil of the female agenda, and if I end up dead for revealing the truth, you all know who not to trust.

Women are the most duplicitous, conniving, and evil beings on earth thanks to their power to manipulate coupled with that human gift of thought. The only purpose women serve is to hold back man, to prevent him from progressing and reaching his true potential. I blame Eve for starting it all. Without women, a "male species" would reproduce through some efficient asexual mechanism that wouldn't waste energy on courting, love, or taking time from dinner to ask how someone's day went. Imagine all the progress that could be made if men didn't have to waste time on wondering what they said wrong, weeping from getting their hearts broken, getting yelled at for washing a dry clean only item, or figuring out what type of flowers to buy because of a fight they think they started. Einstein probably would have found the grand unified theory if he didn't have to deal with getting a divorce or marrying his cousin.

And what about how women are plotting to take over the world? Normally I have no problems with people taking over the world, as long as "people" equals me or friends, but I draw the line with women trying to do what only men should do. I mean they can't even plot correctly. You'd think with all their cunning and treachery they'd be a little less subtle, but noooooooooo. Just look at the NOW, the National Organization for Women, and look at the NWO, the New World Order. NOW...NWO, coincidence? Probably, but less so when you also account for the Federal Emergency Management Agency. FEMA has the power to suspend constitutional rights in times of emergency (sort of like what women do to guys when they're in a "relationship"), and they're only 2 letters away from FEMALE. Yeah, I think we all see the connection there.

Honestly, I find it sad that women have positioned themselves to be "important" in the continued survival of humans. And you notice how the only "acceptable" types of gays are lesbians? Why? Because women supporting women is okay (it's empowering!), but two men together reinforces what women don't want known - that aside from the child bearing thing, they're for all intents and purposes, useless. I mean sure, that whole sex thing is pretty damn cool, but I bet horny NASA scientists could use Real Doll and Mars probe technology to create some quality sex toys should the need arise, and if NASA wasn't secretly being controlled by some shadowy New Women Order.

Anyway, this is why I implore men everywhere to rise up against women, their true oppressors. Do so before Valentine's Day 2000, because that's when I predict their plans will come to fruition. I suggest we IMMEDIATELY lock all women up in work camps and force them to build electronic devices, luxury cars, and to serve as sperm receptacles for species propagation. That is until we unlock the true secrets to cloning, because then it'll be okay to eradicate these viruses called "women." Although, keeping them locked up for labor and sex might be nice even if we perfect cloning. That's something us men will have to vote on when the time comes. VIVA RESISTANCE! WOMEN ARE GOING DOWN!

Oh, and guys, beware of that thing called the "heartbreak kill," because it is baaaaaaad.

drunks@homegame.org needs to find another whore to kill and a way to lose another really good and trusted friend while he enjoys his New Year's depression and waits for his fucking flying car from the FUUUUUUTURE!

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