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Week of October 16, 2000

Brought to you by
and Matthew "Pinwiz" Elcock.

Thursday, October 19

John Travolta says that he was very satisfied with Battlefield: Earth. Yeah, I know. Whatever. Xenu's got to his brain. He also wants a sequel. Can someone send Hasselhulk his way, please? We need to stop this now.  (And, yes I know that NewsBreak already covered it okay?  Great minds think alike.  Bite me.)

Residents of Blencoe Falls, Australia, have tipped off news organizations that Survivor II: Electric Outback Boogaloo is being filmed in a remote valley near the town. The word was spread by locals who were angry that they weren't hired or paid hush money by the production company. Big Brother fans have already started looking for someone to fly plane banners over the site.  I recommend "Ask Probst about the guy he killed!" and "Jhn bkstbs Mry at TC."  Or just send the money to me.  I'll give you a receipt.

Tuesday, October 17

Elizabeth Hurley, who's movie Bedazzled opens this weekend, has announced that she will be donating a "significant amount" to the Screen Actors Guild after shooting a non-Union commercial for Estee Lauder during the ongoing commercials strike. According to her lawyer, Hurley was not aware that a strike was ongoing. Despite the announcement, SAG still plans to punish Hurley for the shoot and might remove her from the union. "Forgiving a blow job is one thing in Hollywood," said a strike leader in Los Angeles, "but you can't forgive someone who cheats on the Union." Meanwhile, posters for Bedazzled that have been defaced with the words "Scab" and "Colleen" are going for over $100 a piece on eBay.

The producers of Xena: Warrior Princess have stated that this season will be the show's last. Due to the growth of the WB and UPN networks, the show had been relegated out of prime time and into less rating-friendly positions.  And while the show remains in first place among hour-long action syndicated programming, producers admit that the show is running out of steam. "We've killed off all the gods, look at the wrinkles around Ares's eyes, and at this rate Gabrielle will be completely naked next season," said a Xena writer who spoke on condition of anonymity. In other news, Lucy Lawless has already signed on to the new series, Gene Roddenberry's New Zealand Outer Space Babies.

Moviegoers in Mountain View, CA, were unable to enjoy the Sunday matinee of The Ladies Man because of a man armed with an assault rifle. Complaining about noises emanating from below the screen, ushers found a man dressed in camouflage carrying a weapon that could easily fell a deer. The man fled from the theatre upon discovery. Authorities are looking for the suspect and bringing people in for questioning: people in the community, Lorne Michaels, and the author Preview Review, which suffered a technical glitch last week and accidentally substituted "Hijack someone" for "Rent it". This is the second example of "Bad Movie Rage" to strike within the past month, with the assault on people waiting to see the new Urban Legends movie in late September. Authorities are warning movie fans to beware of future attacks, but refuse to protect anyone so stupid as to go and see Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.

Kate Winslet, star of the Cameron-ego-boosting movie Titanic with weight that bobs up and down more than a frozen passenger wearing a life-preserver, gave birth to her first child on Thursday. She met her husband on the set of Hideously Kinky, in which he was Assistant Director. Naming the child Mia, Winslet plans to take a 7-8 month break from acting to bond with the child. This is where I make the joke that after that point she'll go on a cruise in the Atlantic and drop the baby into the ocean. I won't. You're welcome.

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