December 16
November 12
November 04
October 28
October 21
October 14
October 07
September 30
September 23
September 16
September 09
September 02
August 26
August 19
August 12
August 05
July 29
July 21
July 13
July 5

December 23, 1999

This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:
and Rod Unks.

Because the world hasn't had enough Dracula movies, Dimension Films, the people who brought us "Scream," is updating the classic story. "Dracula 2000" will be directed by Wes Craven and feature "impressive, all new special effects" most recently seen in the smash hit "Bats." Going against tradition, Dracula will not be played as a pale and fey count with ruffled shirts and a velvet jacket, but rather a sauve, bronzed, and chiseled man-stud cloaked in Donna Karen and Hugo Boss outfits. By day he'll be employed as an international spy and jewel thief; by night, he's the greatest lover EVER, with hundreds of years of slicky and exotic sex mooooves from around the world amassed in his genitalia. Studio insiders are currently looking at several people to assume the role, including Ah-nold Schwarzenegger, Pierce Brosnon, and internet pehnom, Mahir.

It's all about the lists, or so the AFI would have you believe. Still basking in the afterglow from the attention and controversy they created with those other lists, the American Film Institute will count down the 100 funniest films of the century. CBS will air the three-hour special called "100 Years - 100 Laughs" in June. AFI CEO Jean Firstenberg explained that the AFI chose to honor comedy because it's "a subject matter that isn't taken seriously." Yes, why isn't comedy taken more seriously? No, really, she actually said that...we're not making it up. Jurors are being asked to judge a film on how funny it is and its overall legacy, but because humor is subjective and the AFI just doesn't seem to get it, expect the "South Park" movie to not even place in the top 100 and the top two positions to be occupied by "Citizen Kane" and "Schindler's List."

In an attempt to save the "Batman" movie franchise, Warner Brothers is considering pouring Ben Affleck into the Caped Crusader's nipplized rubber suit. To further shock the franchise back into the realm of the living, studio executives are looking to shift the franchise's direction away from the current, stagnant, scripting formula to one of two story possibilities. One called "Batman Year One" would be based on the four-issue comic book miniseries that chronicles Bruce Wayne from swinging college graduate to his transformation into the brooding Batman. Insiders hope such a story would exploit the successes of 20-something angst movies. The second story possibility would be based on the animated "Batman Beyond" series in which an elderly and retired Bruce Wayne passes his superhero legacy to a high school teen. In either case, Matt Damon is expected to appear as Bruce Wayne's gay lover.

MTV, best known for not playing music videos, has found its film division, best known for bringing us the Mark-Paul Gosselaar vehicle "Dead Man On Campus," purchasing the rights to Shaina Carol's comedy spec script, "Fothermuckers." The movie is described as "The Graduate" meets "American Pie," so it'll probably involve lots and lots of sex with week old pastries. The script centers on an uptight 21 year old (which means lots of sweater vests, suits, or Dockers) whose sex-ay, dreadlock and belly button wearing mother has a torrid affair with his slacker best friend. Traumatized by the relationship, the uptight son goes to extreme lengths to stop his "fothermucker" friend, including supergluing his penis to his hairy belly. "The movie works best since the combination of the uptight guy and the slacker best friend has NEVER been done and is so totally original. It was only time before the two dichotomous personalities were tossed together to provide such uproarious natural comedy," Carol boasted. MTV is currently in talks with Woody Allen to direct and co-star as a lecherous neighbor.

Still on a high from the rip roaring non-success of her Fox series "Time of Your Life," Jennifer Love "DA BOMB" Hewitt is in negotiations to star and produce "Trust Me" for Warner Brothers. The film is a rom-com and tells the story of a bumbling young FBI trainee attempting to work undercover as a ditzy, big breasted street walker. When the agent in charge of training her, played by Gillian Anderson, sends her into a dangerous mob situation, she finds herself kidnapped by the gang boss who ends up falling in love with her. David Duchovny will play a former FBI agent turned mob enforcer who left the bureau after being refused a transfer to the Los Angeles field office which would have put him close to his family. Expect several shots of Hewitt in a tight, white workout shirt and a scene where she showers after a long, hard workout.

Occasional scarecrow and Hollywood hunk dicksucker, Gwyneth Paltrow, is said to be in talks with Paramount Pictures to star in the romantic comedy "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." The movie will chronicle the "don'ts of dating" and what it takes to doom a promising relationship in under ten days. Some of these items include being clingy, the use of condoms in oral sex, laughing at a man's penis, leaving 50 messages on an answering machine, reading and obeying "The Rules," professing one's love, and knocking out a guy with chloroform to perform a circumcision. The initial draft of the script has a womanizer, which will be modified to a manizer should Paltrow finalize her deal, who bets his friends he can stay in a relationship for more than ten days and winds up getting more than he bargained for when the woman he chooses tries to get rid of him, because, like women are wont to do, she's only looking for cheap, tawdry, and HOT sex, not a lasting or meaningful relationship. Paramount Pictures is in talks with Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck to star as Paltrow's possible love interests.

High school is HOT in Hollywood! "American Pie" auteur, Adam Herz, is creating a new high school comedy for NBC which is being described as "Freaks and Geeks" meets "Saved By The Bell" meets "Hang Time," which puts it in the realm of something like "USA High." The series will focus on an introverted group of kids who enjoy playing card games, subverting the school's student government, and pulling pranks on the popular kids and jocks who pick on them. Through numerous comedic devices, the likes of which have never been seen since "Three's Company," the kids will find themselves in situations that no high schooler would realistically find themselves in. There will also be the obligatory "school dance" episode where the school loser tries to win the heart of that one cheerleader who ends up discovering that she has more in common with him than she does with her own "popular" friends and that it's what's on the inside that counts. However, unlike most high school sit-coms, Herz claims the show will have a story arc which will most likely build up to a climactic school shooting.

In what is being called the PERFECT MATE movie of the next millennium and NOT a rip-off of "An Affair to Remember," Miramax Films has paid $800,000 for the romantic comedy "Serendipity." The movie tells the tale of two college students who meet and fall in love one night when they are forced to work together at a retail store. Convinced that they are soul mates, they let destiny guide their fate and reunite ten years later on the Empire State Building. The film will trace both of their independent relationships during the ten year separation and lead up to their inevitable meeting, when they realize they are truly destined for each other despite the man being thrice divorced with 4 kids, and the woman being an overweight junkie hooker with HIV. Peter Boyle plays a seer and the movie's narrator.

Even bigger than high schools and teen angst these days are game shows. Jumping on the already packed bandwagon, Nickelodeon is resurrecting "Double Dare" under the original name, "Double Dare 2000." The show is expected to be have lots of heart pounding and dramatic music with a dark stage and swooping spotlights. In addition to these changes, the show will have a new host with obsessive compulsive disorder who will sport a dark coloured jumpsuit and tie. It will also introduce a new craaaaaaaazy substance to rival slime and Gak. Parents are being asked to prepare for the onslaught of, "Do you want to take the physical challenge?!" queries from their children.

The buzz floating around video stores today is that "Star Wars: Episode 1" will be released on cassette April 4, 2000, and already lines of maniacal "Star Wars" fans are forming outside stores. The initial video release will not include a DVD version and will only be pan and scan. On May 19, 2000, the one year anniversary of the film's release, a special letterbox cassette edition will be released followed a month later by another special letterbox edition with a George Lucas interview and behind the scenes documentary. In August 2000, a single disc DVD version of the movie will finally be released containing everything that was on the June 19 videocassette release, but with cut scenes and more behind the scenes footage. Just in time for the Christmas holiday, a November 2000 three DVD box set will include the original DVD with several new digitally created scenes, a DVD with more Lucas interviews where he discusses the franchise's future, and another disc containing a secret Natalie Portman sex video. Expect a special "Platinum Edition" set with 10.1 surround sound, 15 commentary tracks, and an extra DVD-ROM disc to come out January 2001 to celebrate the true, new millennium and to honor Lucas' final battle with God.

Return to HGNews