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Winning this week's "Clueless As A Piece Of Driftwood" Award is Sylvester Stallone who complains that since the making of "Cop Land," he has not been offered a single major role. And the problem is? Interviewed in Spago restaurant by feminist author (AKA lesbian) Susan Faludi, Sly expressed shock that he was given a table in the restaurant and not a place at the bar with a shoe cobbler from Lake Wobegon. "After I made Cop Land, all of Hollywood turned their back," the former porn star commented. Gosh, Mistah Stallone, you don't think it has anything to do with the fact you're a crappy actor, your movies no longer pull in money, and no one can understand you when you talk, do you? Or maybe it's the fact that you hold a stake in a failing restaurant with a Hollywood theme that charges really high prices for chicken breaded with Cap'n Crunch cereal and has replicas of you naked in a lucite block sitting over patron's heads? Sly, you had a chance when you could have done something...and YOU BLEW IT! Hollywood's hands are tied now. You blew it.

Possibly turning the C in NBC into "Christian," the peacock network has taken a 32% take in Paxon Communications, which is owned by born-again Christian Bud Paxon, who only shows "family entertainment" on his Pax TV network. The deal is supposedly worth $415 million and will allow Paxon to get better loge seats in heaven. We at HGNews anxiously anticipate seeing re-runs of the alternate lifestyle show "Will and Grace" with that Mullally chick on PaxTV, because it'll make those fine upstanding Christians with broomsticks up their asses explode, signalling the end of the world.

Six-foot-two, 230 pound Amazonian, Nicole Bass, has filed a $120 million sexual harassment lawsuit against the WWF. Bass claims that she was often groped and humiliated backstage, which raises suspicions that the suit is a publicity stunt. Also raising suspicions is that Nicole Bass IS A MAN! Who the hell would grope Nicole Bass? Anyone who even thinks about groping her to fulfill their sexual needs should be shot in the knee caps and beaten by Janet Reno. You're better off actually having sexual fantasies about a wide mouth bass than Nicole Bass because the bass wouldn't crush you and would actually smell like fish, ifyaknowwhatImean.

In an attempt to not pull a Stallone, George "Look at my Bat-nipples" Clooney has agreed with negative criticism over his disastrous performances in Batman and other recent films. "I just better focus on getting better scripts or I'm a dead man," the former E.R. star told "Access Hollywood." Clooney's next film to hit the theaters is "Three Kings," in which he plays an Army soldier in Desert Storm trying to steal gold from Saddam Hussein. The movie also co-stars Marky-Mark and Ice Cube as fellow soldiers. People will find Clooney's lengthy obituary in next week's "Variety."

HGNews' favorite giant baby and part-time TV star, David Duchovny, participated in the 13th Annual Nautica Malibu Triathalon this week. The half-mile ocean swim, 18-mile bike ride, and a four-mile run in the sleepy California whoretown of Malibu benefited the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Duchovny did not finish the race because he was forcibly removed half way through the race by local police. Event organizers felt Duchovny's refusal to wear an AIDS ribbon and decision to sue the triathalon organizers for reneging on their promise to adjust the race route so it would be closer to his home and family were outrageous.

A bidding war over the spec "Slackers" has resulted in another jew writer becoming $700,000 richer. The script was purchased by Destination Films and follows there college students who try to get through school without doing any work. The funny part comes from the fact the students spend more time getting around the rules than it would to follow them. Now as if that wasn't enough comedy, the school nerd discovers their plan and blackmails them into getting him the school's most popular girl. "This was a funny script where you're reading it and laughing out loud," said Destination's Chief Operating Officer, Brent Baum, between guffaws caused by reading what he called, "the riotous 'Family Circus.'" He continued, "David is a very talented writer. He hit on exactly what young people want to see in today's movies," which would be crap and vomit pureed into a fine and rich cinematic blend of extreme dullness and non-creativity. In all honesty however, this is a great story because everyone who's ever attended a day of college knows that the high school cliques of "nerds" and "popular girls" are still well intact in America's institutes of higher learning, and thank god someone has the balls to address this important issue.

Last week's TV boycott organized by leading Hispanic organizations, known by that oh-so-witty name, "The Brownout," was a total and complete failure. The intended goal of the boycott was to bring attention to the lack of Hispanic actors on television by causing TV ratings to come crashing down like a 747 on January 1st, 2000. Sadly, the Armani suit wearing Hispanic leaders failed to take into account that Hispanics don't watch "normal" network television, confining their viewing to midget masked Mexican wrestling on Galavision and "Sabado Gigante" on Telemundo. Also, it turns out that not one Hispanic family in the US owns a ratings box, which would explain why ratings wouldn't change. However, proving that they are sensitive to the plight of Hispanics, Hollywood has promised to employ more Hispanics by giving free Hispanic maids to its top stars and hiring more chihuahuas to do commercials for fast food restaurants.

German superstar, David "Help me KITT" Hasselhoff may leave "Baywatch" at the end of the season. The program, which has gone through a "rebrith" by moving to Hawaii, has seen declines in its ratings, which hardcore "Baywatch" newsgroup fans blame on the loss of Parker Stevens. The Hoff hasn't made a final decision about leaving the show, but he will have a smaller role this season by only appearing in 14 episodes, half of those being cameos of his oiled up body double. People close to David say he wants to leave the show to focus on his singing career, and he wants to move on to greener pastures having finally nailed all the women on the show.

Warner Bros. has acquired rights to the comic book character, "Barbarella" and will remake the 1968 film which starred Jane Fonda as a 40th century astronaughty. The studio is currently negotiating with Drew Barrymore to take the title role of the space whore. Studio insiders say the new script will not be as campy as the original, but will remain true to the comic, which really means they'll work in lots of drugs, nudity, and lesbian sex. David Letterman has already agreed to sign on as a space monkey salesman who has a tryst with Barbarella provided the young Barrymore accepts the lead.

Winning this week's "Most Valuable Pedophile" award is Patrick Naughton who did his part in embarrassing those dumbfucks at Disney. Naughton, who is the executive in charge of content at Disney's Go Network and is the product chief for Infoseek, was arrested by the FBI for soliciting sex from a minor on the internet. Pat reportedly engaged in conversation with an FBI agent posing as a young girl over the internet on several occasions, all of which culminated in Naughton requesting to meet the girl in person because he had "a hairy mouse that needs to be eaten by [the girl's] pussy cat." Disney executives could not be reached for comment because they were busy watching Disney movies frame-by-frame for hidden nudity and cleaning the floors of high priced hookers while dressed as French maids.

In what is being described as "Mr. Diggler Goes to Washington," Sony has paid $1 million for "Ottoman Empire," a political satire by the writer of "Striptease." The pic follows John "Johnny Long" Dombrowski, a former adult film star turned family guy and furniture salesman. With his popularity at a low due to the perception his marriage is a joke, the President schemes to rid himself of his wife by getting Dombrowski to GIT IT ON with the First Lady, giving him a valid reason to get a divorce. Expect rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc mental midget, Jonah "13.5 inches lets me violate myself" Flacon to write up a lengthy complaint about how scribe Andrew Bergman has ripped off his penis' life story.

From the "Wa Wa Wa Waaaaaa" file comes word of more Sci-Fi stupidity. The Bohbot Kids Network, a partner in the animated CGI series, "Starship Troopers: Roughnecks," improperly sold the series to The Sci-Fi Channel, upsetting Sony, the cartoon's true owner. Thanks to the debacle, Sci-Fi has lost the rights to show the series and BKN has received a swift cane to the ass by Sony. Note to Sci-Fi, ay-o, o-ay, HomeGame Industries has a fine bridge spanning the East River in New York City connecting Manhattan and Brooklyn for sale; it's real cheap if you act today!

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