and guest writer Rod Unks.
Still getting buzzed. This week, Geri "Rubenesque Spice" Halliwell, has signed to star in a new TV series called "A Spoonful of Sugar." Halliwell will play a descendent of Mary Poppins who just happens to be the gay Prince of England's private whore. Hilarity ensues in the pilot when a venereal disease is passed around the Royal Family. The series will be filmed in New Zealand and hopefully cast members won't be killed by "Xena" cast members.
Part time house guest and full time drug hider, Robert Downey Jr., was sentenced to three years in prison for violating his probation too many times. Downey has been in jail before on drug charges and will be resuming his role of "Suzie the Bitch" in the county jail's production of "You've Got A Pretty Mouth." Prior to sentencing, Downey expressed his joy in reprising his role by saying, "It's like I've got a shotgun in my mouth, with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal," where "shotgun" is an obvious metaphor for "large, erect penis" and "gun metal" an metaphor for "hot, steamy man-goo."
George "Midget Lover" Lucas revealed in a British interview that the third of the new "Star Wars" films will be "very, very, very dark." This follows revelations from Lucas that Episode II will be "a love story" in which Anakin Skywalker pulls a Hoffman-in-"The Graduate" and GITS IT ON with the older Queen Amidala. Speculation from Lucasfilm insiders indicate the third film will deal with rape, drugs, and incest, and will end with Obi-Wan Kenobi telling Anakin that Queen Amidala is his mother, causing the young Skywalker to pluck out his eyes and jump into a volcano. The twisted and badly burned body of Skywalker is rescued by The Emperor who turns Anakin to the Dark Side. Lucas admits the dark ending means the final film will be "the least successful." On the subject of Jar-Jar Binks destroying the "Star Wars" franchise, Lucas said, "It's a tragedy."
Citing he is experiencing "the regular old entrepreneurial urge," Conan O'Brien sidekick, Andy Richter, announced he would leave the show next May, around sweeps. The nine month time to departure has led many Conan newsgroupie conspiracy theorists to speculate that Richter is pregnant with Max Weinberg's alien-human child. Richter indicated he will pitch an idea for his own sitcom saying, "My goal in life is to be Ned Beatty. I want to be a comedy character actor." With that, Richter pulled his pants down and squealed like a pig.
This week's highly prized, "Wa Wa Wa Waaaaaa" Award goes to Molly Ringwald. Molly, who has a role in "Teaching Mrs. Tingle," showed up at the wrong movie premiere. Instead of attending "Tingle," Ringwald showed up at the "Love Stinks" premiere. Embarrassed, Ringwald explained that showing up at the wrong event is the same reason why her career died.
From the "Why Must People Disprove Evolution" file, Imagine Entertainment paid Mike Meyers $20 million to star in "Sprockets," based on Meyers' SNL German movie critic/talk show host. While mildly entertaining the first time the five minute sketch was shown, a 90 minute movie comprised of "Touch my monkey!" jokes can only go so far. As Mr. Meyers says, "If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!"
Winning this week's "Let's Pick The Worst Projects To Work On" Award are the Brothers Weitz. Bizbuzz reported two weeks ago that the AmPie borthers, Chris and Paul, are working on a script which will update the classic "Heaven Can Wait" for Chris Rock. Adding to their plate, this week, the Moron Brothers have been tapped to re-write "The Nutty Professor 2." Call off the search because in this duo, we just found our new Akiva Goldsman.
Adding a new twist to the "Crazy David" maneuver, David Duchovny, who weeks ago said he wanted to continue playing FBI Agent Fox Mulder on "The X-Files," managed to indirectly say he didn't want to continue the character, as bizbuzz predicted. Davey D. is suing 20th Century Fox alleging the studio has cheated him out of millions of dollars in profits due him from his profit sharing contract. Duchovny said Fox paid show creator Chris Carter millions in "hush money," although Carter is not named in the suit. By suing the people who pay him, Duchovny has essentially secured his "removal" from "The X-Files" franchise. Within the upcoming month, expect a resolution to come in which Duchovny says he only wanted what was due him and that he'd like to continue on "The X-Files."