This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:

and guest writer Billy Cardwell.

SORRY LADIES

A few weeks ago, Ted Casablanca wrote in his column that Matt Damon had been staying at Ben Affleck's new house, and called Matt, Ben's "best-boyfriend." This week he calls Ben, Matt's "constant companion." Is Ted just trying to be cute, or is he trying to say that the guys are more than just friends? You make the call!

OTIII POWERS ACTIVATE!

RESIDENTS of stodgy Islesboro, Maine, are plotting revenge against John Travolta for allegedly buzzing their houses in his jet a few days ago. Although the FAA hasn't identified the annoying daredevil, townsfolk are sure it's Travolta, because he's the only guy around with his very own Boeing 707. A source at Le Taxi says locals from the monied enclave plan to hire a plane comparable in size to Travolta's 182-seat behemoth to fly over the star's house low enough to rattle his windows. The avenging aircraft will trail the banner, "Buzz off, John!" This was second on thier list of punishments. First was capturing John and imprisoning him in an electronic jail inside a mountain.

EXCUSE ME, WHILE I SHAVE THIS GUY!

Musician Lenny Kravitz had a hard time unloading his Manhattan townhouse - not because of the location or price - but because the entire first floor was covered in black "fur". Lenny ended up taking a $75,000 hit off the asking price, presumably so the new owner could get the fur off the floors, walls and ceilings. Well there was that and the cleaning of the room full of skinless carcasses

PTEWY!

Antonio Banderas has been taking on a few new challenges lately: Not only is he making his directorial debut with the film "Crazy in Alabama," he's making it with his wife, Melanie Griffith. The challenges don't end there - he's also trying to dictate her weight by making her weigh in every day. If she's gained anything, he banishes doughnuts from the set. We at HGI also hear he has changed a certain sexual practice to avoid her consuming extra unneeded calories.

YEAR OF THE POODLE

Mickey Rourke's luck appears to have run out, at least as far as the indie flick "Luck of the Draw" is concerned. Just one day into shooting the Kandace King Prods. action drama, sources said Rourke departed the production over creative differences with the filmmakers. The differences, sources said, centered on Rourke's dog, a Chihuahua named Bo Jack.

Sources said Rourke wanted the pooch to appear in the scene he was shooting that day, a dramatic sequence involving a shoot-out in a warehouse, complete with explosions and other effects. When Rourke's request was denied, the sources said he and the filmmakers disagreed over how to proceed with the sequence. It seems Rourke felt he would come across the screen better with a pooch, while the director was afraid that he would be acted off the screen by the pooch.

WAAAADDDDDDUUUU!

Actor Martin Lawrence is still recuperating from a coma, but reps for 20th Century Fox said the studio is moving ahead with its Lawrence comedy "Big Momma's House" and is in final talks with Nia Long ("In Too Deep") to star with him. The film has been scheduled to start shooting Oct. 11. Lawrence last week surfaced from a three-day coma triggered by a jog in heavy clothing on a hot day. On Sunday, his condition was reported as critical but stable. A spokesman for the Los Robles Regional Medical Center in Thousand Oaks, Calif., said the actor is awake and alert, but his prognosis is "still guarded."

"Right now our only concern is for Martin's recovery," said a rep for Fox, who said it was premature for the studio to address the start date. An armed guard had been posted at his door to protect Martin from anyone with taste that may be thinking of ridding the world of any future shows. In Martin's place, Antonio Fargas can be found waving a gun on the streets and babbling.

SET THE WAY BACK MACHINE FOR THE 1800s SHERMAN

An Australian judge drew outrage Monday by claiming that women provoke men into wife beating by nagging, Australia's Daily Telegraph newspaper said. In a report to be published later Monday, the unidentified magistrate said women invited assault by ``nagging, bitching and emotionally hurting men.''

``Men cannot bitch back for hormonal reasons and often have no recourse but violence,'' the magistrate said in a New South Wales (NSW) Judicial Commission survey of magistrates about apprehended violence orders. For fear of reprisal from the HG Women, I can't comment.

KENNY!

Boy Attacked By Piranha In Canal A six-year-old boy was attacked by a piranha -- the ferocious, flesh-eating fish -- while playing along an irrigation canal in suburban Osaka, Japan's second-largest city, local authorities said Thursday. A 12-cm (five-inch) piranha, a tropical fish native to Brazil, was later found swimming in the shallow canal after the boy reported being bitten on the finger, an Osaka Sayama city official said.

``The boy said he saw five or six fish jumping in the canal and one bit his finger when he reached out his hand,'' the official said. Town officials believe the boy was attacked by a piranha that someone had bought to keep as a pet in a home aquarium and later abandoned in the canal. Raising tropical fish has boomed in popularity in crowded Japan, where many people live in apartments and condominiums which forbid keeping cats and dogs. Town officials said they have put up signposts near the canal warning people to be wary of other piranhas possibly lurking in the water. Finally the link between GKlahoma and Japan is FOUND!

DEEPER, SNOOZER...

George Clooney has denied any involvement in the upcoming Starsky and Hutch film being penned by Akiva Goldsmith. While this really doesn't mean that he's actually not involved. Clooney's next movie is "Three Kings", a film featuring Clooney, Marky Mark, and Ice Cube as three soldiers in Desert Storm that find a treasure map. Word is Ice Cube is doing a song for the album. Suspected lyrics are "Hottest, brownest...my hat is like a camel's hump!"

IN WAA WAAA WAAAA NEWS

Stephen King wants the government to punish the van driver who struck and, he says, nearly killed him last June. Considering the power of his imagination, King might have sicced Christine, his carnivorous car, or Cujo, his killer dog, on driver Bryan Smith. But King tells the Bangor Daily News, "He doesn't have anything I want, believe me. The only thing he has that I would like to see taken away is his driver's license."

Maine's Oxford County D.A.prosecutor's office has convened a grand jury to consider criminal charges against Smith. Besides multiple leg and hip fractures and a collapsed lung, King says he suffered some brain damage too. "I watched ‘Titanic' when I got back home from the hospital and cried," says King. "And I knew that my I.Q. had been damaged." HGI is just happy they don't have to make with the funny because it's already been done here.

I DON'T PAY YOU NOT TO SHIP OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY

Apple Computer, which is second to none in TV marketing acumen, is turning a negative into a positive in its latest TV commercial for the Macintosh G4 computer, which it unveiled Tuesday. The commercial boasts that the computer is so fast that government regulations bar it from being exported to much of the world -- unlike Intel-based PCs. This is, however, better than having to say that people can't or won't buy your Ibook because it looks like a toilet seat.

WILLIS IS A GHOST!
STOP GOING TO SEE THE MOVIE!

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