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August 26, 1999

This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:
and Rod Unks.

From the "Because The Whole Y2K Thing Hasn't Been Blown Out Of Proportion Enough" file comes the latest offering from NBC movie-of-the-week whores, Dick Lowry ("Atomic Train") and David Israel ("Pandora's Clock"). The "disaster" thriller will star Ken Olin as a techno-geek trying to save the US from computer failures causing an East Coast power outage, a nuclear power plant melt down, ATM failures, and microwave oven explosions. One of the more important story lines revolves around a group of angry women who go on a rampage, destroying sex shops when their vibrators and Penetron 2000's stop working.

James Cameron has formally announced he will direct "True Lies 2." The film will continue where the first film left off, with spy couple Ah-nold and Jamie getting their first mission - stopping a Filipino hermaphrodite slave farm. However, problems arise when it's discovered the slave farm is being run by Ted Kennedy. Trying to carry on with his "Titanic" success, Cameron is in talks with Leo Dicaprio to play one of the rebel hermaphrodites who possesses vital microfilm, which he carries hidden in a blue diamond shoved up his ass.

Continuing its long standing tradition of groping itself, numerous Hollywood studios have been working around the clock to cash in on the success of "The Blair Witch Project" by writing spoofs. Some of the scripts lampooning the witch movie are: "The Blair Princess Project," which tells the story of three Jewish American "princesses" who get lost in the hills of Malibu while looking for their friend Blair's wedding; "The Blair Hype Project," which follows three kids who get lost in the Century City Mall while looking for a showing of a non-sold out showing of "The Blair Witch Project"; and "The Blair Witch Project Project," in which three websurfers go to the "Blair Witch" website only to vanish, leaving behind cache files and netcam footage. And so you know, two of those spoofs are totally gen-u-wine, while one isn't. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Will "Wild Wild Crap" Smith, recently seen asking for an extension on his 15 minutes of fame, has been cast in Robert Redford's "Tin Cup" remake, "The Legend of Bagger Vance." "Vance" will take place in the 1930s, but instead of the funny hispanic caddie, originally played by Cheech of bong water spilling fame, the new film will have Smith playing a black, wise cracking, rhyme busting caddie who likes to sing. The part was originally to go to Michael Jackson, but Hollywood's disapproval with the art of "blackface" quickly saw the rejection of Jacko. Unlike "Tin Cup," there will be no female romantic interest for Redford, who recently turned to beastiality after filming "The Horse Whisperer," but rather an interesting relationship with a ball washer, golf club bag, and five iron.

From the "Biggest Crime In The Universe" file comes news that "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," the show run by fuck-wit researchers who like to give other fuck-wits thousands of dollars they clearly don't deserve, helped ABC to lead in the ratings. While not a problem since it is re-run season, the show has had the adverse side-effect of giving show host, Regis "Final Answer" Philbin, an ego hard-on. REGIS!, on his daily show with Kathie "No Bra" Gifford has welcomed the claims made by audience members that he is ABC's savior. After a "Good Morning America" interview, REGIS! told crew members their jobs were safe because he has "saved the network." There's no word on when God will strike down the game show messiah, but we at HGNews hope it will be very soon.

Winning this weeks, "Oooo! That's Original, Give Yourself A Pat On The Back And Kick In The Groin" award is ABC who announced the filming of midseason sit-com, "People Who Fear People." The comedy will follow the lives of four "paranoid single guys" in New York who have "group therapy" with a beautiful shrink. I remember this show when it was called "Cupid," and "Seinfeld," and "The Single Guy," and "Dear John." No word of ABC savior Regis will be cast as a ray-tarded game show host.

The Disney empire has finally caved in on the DVD issue. After holding out on DVD distribution, Disney announced it will release nine of its classic animated features on DVD over the upcoming four months. The movies, "Pinocchio," "101 Dalmatians," "Hercules," "Mulan," "The Little Mermaid," and "The Jungle Book," will be available for only 60 days. The news comes as a blessing to freaks everywhere who will now be able to watch the animated features in crystal clarity, frame by frame, looking for hidden pornographic messages from animators.

Winning this week's, "Let's Rape The Past With A Dirty Plunger" award is MGM who has optioned the spec script, "I Want Kandee." The film is a modern day "Roman Holiday" and follows a 17-year-old pop star who longs to live a normal teens life, complete with big pants, Dr. Pepper lip gloss, and Backstreet Boys poster. The pop star runs away, and with the help of her stepsister, changes her looks and enrolls in a regular school to experience a normal teenage life. Hilarity ensues when she attends a pot party and gets gang raped. Ultimately, she's caught and returns to her previous lifestyle, but with a renewed vigor and an STD. Eddie Albert will reprise his "Holiday" role as a freelance photographer, but there is no word yet on who will play the obsessive stalker and transvestite look-alike.

Getting the "Educator of the Week" award is the original wife beater, Ike Turner. Ike, who has already passed on his beating skillz to Bobby Brown, wants to educate the upcoming druggie rock stars. In his autobiography, Turner reveals he "had to carry a lot of cocaine, usually a couple of pounds" when on tour. Ike and crew would use dummy flashlights batteries, false speaker cones, wah-wah peddles, shoulder pads, phony belts, and heels on platform shoes. Ike tells of a time he was almost caught because he had used his shoe to beat Tina the night before, thereby causing the shoe's secret compartment cover to loosen. Luckily, Ike "convinced" Tina to give the customs agent a "private show" which took care of all the problems.

In an effort to attract writers from culturally, ethnically, and financially diverse backgrounds, Nickelodeon is pushing a one-year fellowship program with positions in Los Angeles and New York. The fellowships will be awarded in the Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. live action, animated TV and feature film divisions. Such fine kid's shows that have come out of the program's past have been, "Eduardo, the Puerto Rican Junkie," "Pimp Extraordinaire with Scoopy D.," "Mutant Middle School Drop-out Crypts," "SuperHo," "Shaft: The Animated Series," and the "Gangsta Elron Happy Hour." Flyers announcing the fellowship were dropped from a "ghetto bird" high in the air into the Watts, Compton, Queens, and Bronx areas.


If my friends could see me now! From the "You'll Never Have Another Erection Again" file comes information that lately, Kathie Lee Gifford has refused to wear a bra. Unfortunately, gravity, string theory, and the other complicated laws of physics have seized upon their chance to take advantage of the bra-less wonder. Viewers have been complaining that Cody's mom looks "unappealing" and "inappropriate." Oh, our mistake, viewers have always been calling in to complain that Kathie Lee has looked unappealing and inappropriate.

Winning this week's "Think About It, Won't You?" award is Albert Brooks who said he sometimes feels "like I'm from Mars" when he watches an Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller movie. "I just couldn't make that type of movie, but I could make fun of it. I want to call it 'The Big Dumb Stupid Movie.'" Al, hasn't that been the title of all your movies?

Those perpetual trouble makers in Canada are at it again. Promoters of the Canadian National Science Fiction Expo, scheduled to take place in Toronto next weekend, have vowed to file a lawsuit against actor Ray Park if he fails to show up for a scheduled appearance. Park, known for playing double-headed dildo wielder, Darth Maul in "The Phantom Menace" is being told by his agents that a convention appearance would prevent him from becoming a "big Hollywood star." Hey, guess what? That won't happen anyway so all of you stop your bitching, especially you Canada.

AMC, the channel that refuses movies that are American or classics, has hired Roger Corman to produce and star in a 35-chapter "serial monster movie." The serial will air during breaks between classic monster movies and specials featured on AMC's three-day Halloween weekend marathon. Corman will play an AMC horror department head named Gorman and will feature a cameo appearance by Frank "Boozed Up And Bitter" Gorshin of TV's "Batman" fame. Regular MST:HomeGame players will want to clear their schedules for the Halloween weekend.

This week's "Give The Teen Thing A Rest" and "Damn You Kevin Williamson For Unleashing This Hell On Us, Why Weren't You Content With Living Your Gay Lifestyle" awards is the Buena Vista Motion Pictures Group which has purchased "Old." The story is a fantasy tale about a group of teens who taunt elderly people only to become old themselves. Apparently someone smoked too many blunts while watching "Cocoon."

Martin "Waaaasssssup?" Lawrence is in trouble again, but not for waving a gun in public. While jogging, Lawrence collapsed and remained unconscious in a coma for three days. Doctors said the cause of the collapse is kidney distress, and that he might have come out of the coma sooner had anyone cared enough to call an ambulance sooner.

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