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September 9, 1999

This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:
and Rod Unks.

From the "Irony Loves A Good Joke" file comes news that Viacom will be buying CBS for a paltry $34.45 billion in stock, making the deal the biggest media merger in history. Sadly, the combined ratings of CBS and UPN, which Viacom owns by way of Paramount Pictures, doesn't even come close to matching ratings leader NBC. But where's the irony? CBS used to own Viacom, but sold it off in 1969. Isn't it great when the bastard kid you kicked out of your house visits you, beats your ass, then makes you his bitch and sticks you in an old folks home?

From the "Industry Apoca-watch" file: Proving that she doesn't need to star in something with Tommy Lee's penis for people to watch, Pamela Anderson Lee's "V.I.P." posted its best numbers ever this past week with a 3.5 rating. Industry insiders blame the higher ratings on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" for collectively lowering the nation's average IQ by 9 points, thus forcing people to seek out more banal programming.

Bruce "I'm a ghost in Sixth Sense" Willis is in talks to make "Outlaws" his next film. In the movie, Willis will star opposite non-Batman actor Val Kilmer. The movie is based on a true story about two bank robbers who are presumed to have kidnapped a girl. Things get complicated when the duo gets caught up in a love triangle with their victim. In order to distance the movie from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," it will have a twist ending in which it's revealed Kilmer and Willis are ghosts.

Winning this week's "Jesus fucking Christ!" award is ABC who has decided to not show "The Ten Commandments" over Easter this upcoming year. The reason? "After 21 years, the numbers had eroded," said an ABC programming chief before he was struck by lightning for placing ratings over the word of God. In addition, ABC has decided to replace the HESTON! film with a new animated feature, "The Miracle Maker" with Ralph Fiennes as the voice of Jesus. To counter the animated tale, FOX has purchased rights from HomeGame Industries to create an original animated feature based around the lovable Gangsta Jesus.

This week's "Because As Catholic We Must Make Others Feel Our Guilt" award goes to the all-star and MVP packed Catholic League who has decided to sink its sharpened crucifixes into the upcoming movie, "Stigmata." William "Furious Masturbater" Donohue, head of the team, said the movie is "a vehicle for making a political attack on the Catholic Church." It's a shame no one told Bill that a movie doesn't have to be made for that specific purpose because everything the Catholic Church does forces people to attack it. We at HomeGame Industries expect a nicely worded piece of toilet paper in the future protesting Gangsta Jesus.

Mark this day on your calendar because Disney might have finally done something good. The studio has decided to stop production on an animated sequel to "Peter Pan." Unfortunately, the project's production halt is temporary so Disney doesn't get off the hook completely. Sources at the studio reveal the outlined plot would have Peter all grown up and working at a large cubicle filled building for a large and powerful media company. When Peter decides to release some tension at a strip bar, he runs into his now ex-wife Wendy, who is an exotic dancer whose act consists of pouring milk on herself, seductively eating pudding packs, and inserting breadsticks into her Never-never land. For some reason the duo teams up to track down the remaining members of their flipmode squad for a sick reunion. Hilarity ensues when Captain Hook shows up with his new supermodel wife and Tinkerbell gets bombed from a shot of sour mash.

In what will be known to future generations as the biggest crime of this millennium, The London Times reported this week that Steven "Rape Me" Spielberg is expected to direct the sci-fi movie, "AI." The film was to be Stanley Kubrick's next movie had he not died in bed with a whore. Stevie has confirmed reading "the very long treatment" while he sat in the bathroom moving his bowels and eating a bagel. Kubrick had planned a budget of $100 million for the movie, but Spielberg is expected to lower that estimated cost by adjusting the script to use already made dinosaur footage from "Jurassic Park."

In news of the stupid, "The Sixth Sense" continued its box office domination over the Labor Day weekend by pulling in $28.5 million. People, the kid can see ghosts and Willis is a ghost, but he just doesn't know it. Don't you understand?! Willis was shot in the beginning by Marky Mark! HE IS A GHOST! You can stop seeing the movie now! A GHOST! He's like Casper, but he looks like Bruce Willis! At least you didn't watch "Chill Factor."

David Duchovny mentor, Alec Guinness reprised his favorite role this week, that of "Star Wars" critic. Drunk from a pint of Guinness and still pissed he died in "Star Wars," Alec disparages "obsessive" fans because they frighten him, just like the many invisible flying elves that inhabit his home. The original Kenobi says he throws letters from "Star Wars" fans into the trash because he can't read and dislikes being reminded of that fact. The Jedi Knight says he plans on suing George Lucas to digitally remove him from the original films. George Lucas could not be reached for comment because he was fellating a life size replica of Jar-Jar Binks.

Proving once again that the British are crazy and lame, an unidentified man was able to evade security at the BBC in London and gain access to the news room where he smashed a window and turned over furniture. Much like they did in World War II when Hitler came knocking, the 100 limey journalists in the area dove for cover and prayed to God to spare the Queen. At one point, the man shouted, "You can't do this to me! I'll show you, you can't take me off air!" After hours of cowering, an American mall security guard who was visiting London for vacation, heard the commotion and tackled and held the man until gunless London police arrived. Using their powers of the obvious, a BBC executive commented afterwards, "This was a serious breach of securitythat has shocked staff."

To accompany the release of Martin "Weight Loss Master" Lawrence, Sony Pictures has started a stand-up comic search on the "Blue Streak" website. Aspiring comics can enter and send in a video tape of their performance in hopes of winning an evaluation by "funny man" Lawrence. However, in light of recent Lawrence developments, Sony has changed the search to a pass-out, get in a coma, and lie down comic. The current front runners in the competition are Bob Hope and Jerry Lewis.

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