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October 21, 1999

This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:
and Rod Unks.

The lambs have been silenced. David Mamet's screenplay for the "Silence of the Lambs" sequel has been scrapped by Universal Studios executives because Mamet is busy directing another movie and does not have time for re-writes. The new screenwriter, Steven Zaillan, will be forced to come up with a totally different script which may or may not include the climactic scene in which Hannibal crosses the Alps on llamas. A source close to Zaillian claims the story will now focus on the relationship between FBI Special Agents Starling and "The X-Files'" Dana Scully, who will be teamed up with Starling when Agent Mulder is fired from the FBI for suing the agency. As planned, the movie will end with Hannibal kidnapping Scully and Starling's adopted baby.

In a pre-emptive bid, Miramax Films bought the rights to Mario Puzo's last novel, "Omerta" for $3 million. "Omerta," which means code of silence in Eye-talian is a tale about the first cross-dressing and homosexual mob boss, Lance the Queer. The story will follow Lance's rise to power as he corners the fashion industry and keeps it under mob influence. Already signed to make cameos are fashion moguls Issac Mizrahi, Tommy Hillfiger, and Donna Karen. In keeping with the book's title, the entire movie will contain no dialogue, instead focusing on facial expressions and the mime talents of the cast.

Earning this week's "We Need The Money" award is the cast of "Dukes of Hazzard" who have signed to make another made-for-TV reunion. The first reunion was made in 1997 and apparently did well...someplace, probably in the south, but that's just a guess. The story will parallel the collapse of communism in the eastern bloc and in the Soviet Union, both of which will be represented by the passing of Boss Hog. Bo and Luke Duke will represent the capitalistic forces of the west, while Daisy represents the white slave trade.

Always trying to remain on the cutting edge, 20th Century Fox has decided to make a "Cool World" rip-off by taking "Tom and Jerry" and shoving it hard into a Cuisinart with "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" and the Hank-buddy vehicle, "Big." "Cat and Mouse" tells the tale of a cartoon mouse who is zapped into the real world through the "Pleasantvillian" magic powers of a coin operated fortune teller. In the real world, the mouse, who is magically transformed into a human, adjusts to life and manages to fall in love with a herpetologist. Unfortunately, his life is disrupted when a rival cartoon cat tries to bring him back to the toon world because he misses their rivalry. The bottom line is to respect the Cat, always.

Winning this week's "There's No Favoritism in Hollywood" award is Brian Grazer, whose Imagine Entertainment paid $1 million to purchase a script written by his wife and brother, and we're sure there's no sleeping around going on there. The story is supposedly a "Splash" like, guy-in-the-dark-about-girl's-true-identity comedy in which a guy falls in love with a porn star. Dirk Diggler's penis is expected to make a cameo, and also like "Splash," expect lots of "smells like fish" jokes.

Hexan Films, who made camping home videos popular again with their smash hit, "The Blair Witch Project," has obtained a 13 episode commitment from Fox Broadcasting for it's first ever TV project. The project, "Fearsum," will follow the host of a web site which focuses on bizarre, paranormal occurrences. In the first episode, the host discovers that his twin brother, who was killed by an HIV infected substitute teacher, may still be alive. To emulate the "Blair Witch," Hexan plans on creating a web site that compliments the program. Inside sources at Hexan have intimated that the lead may be played by either famed Internet sofa warmer, Harry "The Gay Winking" Knowles, or "reporter," Matt "Mongoloid" Drudge. Expect David Duchovny to sue on behalf of "The X-Files" creator Chris Carter for theft.

From the "Let's Rip-Off 'The Truman Show' And 'Ed-TV' Some More" file, is word that Jennifer "Anyone Notice My Nipples" Aniston is attached to star in the 20th Century Fox rom-com, "Against the Glass." The story revolves around a young woman, played by Aniston, who agrees to be observed by a psychology class via a two-way mirror in exchange for free therapy sessions. When she discovers that her ex-boyfriend, played by Tate "Gay Last Name" Donovan, has joined the class to win her back, she turns the tables by having sex and earning some JBF hair with Brad Pitt "against the glass." Edward Norton will have a cameo since Brad "Smell My" Pitt is a figment of his imagination. Speaking of Anuston and "Friends," Ross and Rachel will eventually get their annulment, and Rachel admits that it was her idea to get married because for a fleeting moment, she really wanted to. And of course we get the obligatory cock-tease ending that is the hallmark of "Friends" as they share one of those "we'll get married again for the series finale or when ratings dip" looks.

Sarah Wynter and Michael Rapaport have been signed to star opposite Ah-nold Schwarzenegger in "The Sixth Day." The story begins with Mr. Shriver discovering he's been replaced by a clone sent from the future by a giant supercomputer. Cashing in on the success of "The Sixth Sense," the story will include an old man who can see dead people, and leads to the twist ending of Ah-nold being the ghost of a clone, which means all the celebrity owners of Planet Hollywood are actually ghosts, or have careers that are dead. Wynter will play the gifted octogenarian's nurse and Rapaport the dishveled bachelor who is the goofy best friend that doesn't believe Ah-nold's story of being replaced by a clone. Expect Rapaport to die when he accidentally uncovers the truth by asking a sneaky question that only a best friend would know.

The next installment in the Indiana Jones franchise is waiting for an agreement on the script by Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg. The movie will have a budget of over $200 million and will utilize the CGI technology created for "Star Wars: Episode I" to create a young looking Ford. "We're gonna make a CGI Harrison, mixed with shots from his other films where he looked more youthful," said George Lucas during an interview recorded this year on a re-re-re-released version of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" VHS tape. The movie's plot is being kept tightly under wraps; Spielberg said the script is being held up because he wants to make sure it is right and "doesn't want the fourth Indiana Jones movie to leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth, like a gag ball from a rape kit." The next movie is tentatively titled, "Indiana Jones and the Quest for the 'Blair Witch' Kids."

Further proving the far reaching power of the Bizbuzz and its grasp on Hollywood's balls, we are pleased to report that "Fight Club" used Edward Norton's shoe to barely beat out the implausible thriller, "Double Jeopardy," to win the box office over the weekend. Our sources planted high in the industry say that many people decided to not watch "Fight Club" because they learned about the crappy twist ending from reading the Bizbuzz. "Fight Club" pulled in a paltry $11 million compared to "Double Jeopardy's" $10.2 million, and "Double Jeopardy" has been out for two weeks. The prosecution rests.

Oh, and in case you missed it last week, Buffy-verse characters, Oz and Willow will break up when Oz decides to get it on doggy style with a female whuuur-wolf named Veruca. This DOES NOT drive Willow into the arms of Buffy, although it does not exclude a little college experimentation, ifyaknowwhatwemean.

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