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October 07, 1999

This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:
and Rod Unks.

Just in time for the HOT new Hollywood craze of cross dressing and getting "goth," Dick O'Brien announced he is busy writing a sequel to his cult classic, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." The sequel would pick up nine months after the end of the original with "Dammit" Janet pregnant with Dr. Frank N. Furter's child. Currently, six new songs have been written for the transvestite orgy flick including "Bitching in the Kitchen," "Fishnets and Piercings," and "Just Because I'm A Pasty White Transvestite Doesn't Mean I'm A Homosexual." Insiders say costumes will be designed by famed designer Issac Mizrahi, and because he can, O'Brien, anticipating the audience interaction that is the hallmark of "Rocky Horror," has included several ejaculation scenes in his script.

Speaking of sperm flinging, Paul "I Should Have Used A Pocket Jerker With Patented Sperm Catcher Technology" Reubens has recently been tapped to host a game show based on the popular video game, "You Don't Know Jack." Dubbed as a "game with an attitude," the studio describes the show as an "in-your-face, high-energy trivia show," where contestants will get Reubens' pee-wee shoved in their faces, and winners will be awarded with high-energy gushing. Executive producer, Robert "Dave Letterman Screwed Me" Morton, said Reubens was difficult to get since he had several other "edgy" game shows vying for his hosting skills, such as, "Mystery Spooge In The Theater" and "The $25,000 Money Shot."

From the "I Only Have One Act! Please Type-Cast Me! I Need The Money!" file comes news that Castle Rock TV has signed Michael Richards to star as a bungling detective in his own sitcom. "This character will be different from the bumbling idiots Mr. Richards has played in the past, like Kramer on 'Seinfeld,' the lawyer in 'Trial and Error,' Stanley Spadowski in 'UHF,' the station owner in 'Airheads,' or that guy in Neil Simon's 'London Suite,' because this time he'll be a detective. He's never been a detective before...I think," said a Castle Rock spokesman. Expect to see Richards spastically falling all over Peter Falk in early spring.

Hollywood decided to prove it's stupidity yet again this week by casting Joey "Whoa" Lawrence in the sequel to the horror shit-fest, "Urban Legend." Lawrence will play a film student pressured into following in the footsteps of his famous studio mogul father, who just happens to be gay and have a penis as large as an anaconda. James "Really Long Face" Van Der Beek will have a cameo as Dawson, the plucky young film maker from "Dawson's Creek," and will get into a huge argument about the ideal way to rape his idol, Stephen Spielberg. In an attempt to shed his teen image, Lawrence will be billed as Joseph Lawrence because that worked so well for Debbie "Deborah" Gibson and Ricky "Rick" Schroeder.

The much deserved winner of this week's "I Have No Talent, Yet Too Much Money" award is cow molester, Billy Crystal. Crystal, who should have been buried along with the remaining barrels of radioactive Crystal Pepsi in New Jersey, blew a $239,000 wad all over an old, leather glove that once belonged to Mickey Mantle. The old glove in question was Mantle's first girlfriend, Diane Kilpatrick, and came as a surprise to many since the practice of selling people has been outlawed in the US for over a hundred years. When asked what he would do with the old woman, Crystal said he had recently read Gloria "'Titanic' Whore" Stuart's book and was planning on trying out some of the octogenarian's kink-ay sexual positions.

It seems that the nation's collective IQ is slowly recovering after it was bitch slapped by "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." The ratings to David Letterman's "Late Show" rose by 14% while Jay Leno's "The Unfunny Show" saw ratings drop by 14%. Leno claims the drop in ratings can be attributed to the weaker NBC prime-time lineup, and not because his monologue jokes suck, he has no interview skills, or that his skits are written by a pre-school class pining for nap time. Sources at NBC have revealed that nervous executives at the studio are busy hiring voodoo masters in an attempt to bring Helen Kushnick back from the dead so she can drag Leno's pansy ass down to Hades where it belongs.

In what the Japanese are hoping will be the ultimate in archiving tentacle rape anime, Hitachi, Matsushita, Shitonme, and Toshiba have each announced developments in DVD recording systems. The DVD-RAM recorders will be incorporated into the next-generation of video recorders and cameras to be released next year. The DVD recorders will allow Japanese businessmen to record, in crystal clarity, up to 5 hours of dancing and masturbating girls in pigtails and plaid skirts, or 100 back-to-back viewings of Britney Spears' "Beat Me One More Time" music video.

Taking a break from fellating the Pope, making furious masturbators feel guilty, and excommunicating those who have had pre-marital sex with the aid of birth control, the Catholic Chruch mustered up a whopping 1,000 people to protest a New York screening of Kevin Smith's "Dogma." The film, which has Alanis Morrisette as God, was expected to cause such controversy because people are still upset over the quality of "Mallrats" and the high price of the "Clerks" DVD. In addition, the Catholics needed another protest to keep their sizable protest lead over the Scientologists, who have been catching up over recent years.

Garnering the honor of being the first show of the new TV season to be canceled is NBC's "The Mike O'Malley Show," which held on to less than a third of "Will & Grace's" audience. O'Malley said he was heartbroken by the decision and "always wanted to be No. 1, and now I can say I am No. be canceled." O'Malley blamed the show's failure on the program's limited press, which consisted of people asking each other, "Who the fuck is Mike O'Malley, and who did he have to blow to get a show?" The big question is, did NBC actually do something good this past week? Not at all, because they still owe society for putting the show on in the first place.

Proving once again that Mormon is latin for "moron," the Mormon Church owned NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City, Utah deleted the words "penis" and "ass" from Monday's "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit." A representative from the NBC station said the edits were justified since the words were deemed inappropriate for viewers by the head of the station. Consequently, that abortion of a show, "Suddenly Susan" was replaced with 30 minutes of a naked Mormon man, surrounded by his numerous wives, explaining why it's okay to drink caffeine now that their church owns a large stake of Coca-Cola.

Pouring from the successful bottle of Chianti that was "Silence of the Lambs," Tony Hopkins confirmed that he will return as Hannibal "The Maninal" Lecter in the "Lambs" sequel, "Morbidity of the Soul." Hopkins said "it's a good script," and denied that he would be playing the same character he played in "Instinct," opting to base Lecter more on his "Zorro" character, the old and Ben-Gay smelling Zorro. The story centers on Hannibal's travels around the world as he attempt to evade the law. Remaining true to the book, a climactic ending occurs in the Alps when Hannibal is caught by Agent Starling after a long and exciting llama chase. As of yet, Jodie "Not A Lesbian...HONEST!" Foster has not signed on to the film, causing much debate and speculation by the mental midgets at Ain't-It-Cool News who think either Lacey Chabert or Jennifer Lopez should land the role should Foster pass.

Winning this week's much sought after, "Smartest Continent" award is Europe. That's right America, HGNews, the super-patriots, red-white-and-blue bleeding jingoists that we are actually had to give Europe the award this week. Why? Because "Action" was the hottest selling program with international buyers in Europe. It seems like the Europeans realize the show's potential for greatness, yet stupid Americans refuse to watch the show which has averaged a 3.0 rating/8 share. As punishment, you should know that Brad Pitt's character is a figment of Edward Norton's character's imagination in "Fight Club." Deal with it, WHORES!

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