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November 04, 1999

This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:
and Rod Unks.

Furthering their plans for global domination, the Japanese have sold Fine Line Features remake rights for the horror hit, "The Ring." The film is about a videotape that kills everyone who watches and doesn't rewind it after exactly seven days. When a female reporter investigating the rumor of the killer video views the tape, she teams up with her ex-husband to stop the curse. True to form, Hollywood is employing top screenwriters like Akiva Goldsman and David Koepp to "update" the film. As it stands, the new and improved script has transformed the videotape into a chain e-mail about $250 Neiman-Marcus cookies and will employ lots of fancy special effects like a 3-D mail program with an animated mailbox and flying letter and postage stamp. In addition, instead of a female reporter and her ex-husband, the two "heroes" will be lesbian lovers searching for an "anti-chain letter" which nullifies all other chain letters. Unfortunately the letter is being held captive in a super secret government computer server on the International Space Station forcing the ladies to kidnap a NASA pilot played by Matt LeBlanc and to steal a top secret space plane reverse engineered from a UFO that's hidden at Area 51.

From the "Yet Another Smooth Move From NBC Asswipes" file is word that NBC has canceled "Cold Feet," its replacement for the highly acclaimed "Homicide: Life on the Street" which it killed last year. "Cold Feet" produced the lowest ratings ever seen by a program in its time slot which NBC is blaming on the fact that people thought it was either a show about "someone with poor circulation whose feet got cold at night" or "a shoe salesman with a fetish for the feet of corpses." This only serves as further proof that people don't always want to look at pretty people in their 20s having issues with life and relationships, but rather prefer a good story with detectives dealing with the lack of life. In an unrelated incident, Norm MacDonald broke into NBC's New York studios and pissed on a picture of OJ Simpson, but only after proclaiming he held a photo of "the real killer...and it wasn't Pedro Guerrero."

Chris Carter, occasional David Duchovny punching bag and teething ring, has acknowledged that his Fox series, "The X-Files" may not be around next year. He claims that even if the show goes off the air, the "myth arc," as the show's fans call it, or the "tedious and cock teasing story filled with more plot holes than a decaying corpse" as everyone else refers to it as, will continue in theatrical films. The films will "star" David "I'm Sure I Could Have A Successful Career Like David Caruso" Duchovny and Gillian "Kin-kay Nymphomaniac" Anderson. The next film in the franchise will supposedly deal with Scully and Mulder's "exotic" sexual relationship which will develop in this year's episodes. "Everyone wants to see me put a little S&M into S&M's relationship. Now that 'Harsh Realm' and 'Millennium' have been canceled, I need to appease everyone, and what better way to do it than to shoot for an NC-17 rating in the next film," Carter stated. Carter's comments follow an Anderson interview in which she indicated she wants to put the show behind her as soon as possible, as well as another Emmy and a couple of HOT looking guys ifyaknowwhatwemean.

Winning this week's "Stars of the Future" award is Dreamworks and Imagine Entertainment who are creating a new company called The Satanic collaboration will offer a variety of short features on the web. The one to six minute shorts will emphasize comedy and "will be true to the spirit of the internet," according to Dreamworks' resident rape target Steven "I'm Too Busy To Do Commentary For The 'Saving Private Ryan' DVD" Spielberg. In the comedy spirit of the internet, expect many shorts to consist of people insulting each other, artistic representations of "flame wars" and "trolls," a giant blinking "404" on a bad and bright colored background, and people with severe anal and genital warts. Creators of the most popular submissions will be rewarded with development contracts at Dreamworks and Imagine which might be good, if you're into that sort of thing.

Proving the Stern hypothesis that men love lesbians kissing, "Ally McBeal" saw its biggest audience ever. The show pulled in 17 million viewers to top the evening's ratings despite Monday Night Football. Early numbers indicate the male audience for the "McBeal" episode, in which the show's skeletal lead passionately kisses another female character in an attempt to EAT HER, increased by a whopping 40%. David E. Kelley, who has been pushing the envelope of TV recently as evidenced by his "shit happens" line on "Chicago Hope," says he plans on making a "snuff episode" of his newest show "Snoops" and adding a necrophyilic orgy scene in an upcoming episode of "The Practice."

Taking a break from making "Top 100" lists that everyone can disagree about, the American Film Institute announced it has selected Harrison "I Can Still Get The Chicks" Ford to receive its life achievement award, which honors those who...have achieved life, or something. "It is fitting that AFI begin the new millennium by honoring Harrison Ford, the most popularly acclaimed and highly do-able actor of our day," AFI chairman Tom Pollock said. Since the award celebrates the achievement of being alive, Ford managed to clench the award by not dying a few weeks ago when he crashed in his personal heelo-copter while practicing a naughty "auto rotation" maneuver. Ford credits "a lot of luck" for his success and not dying in his whirlybird mishap, as well as having taken a swig from the Holy Grail.

In an attempt to ensure that the apocalypse arrives on schedule, Harry "Check Out My Gay Winking And Enjoy My Blackface Halloween Costume" Knowles has pitched a memo to "industry players," rumored to be Howard Stern regulars Elephant Boy and Crackhead Bob, for his own TV show. The show would carry a similar format to the Ain't It Cool News website, meaning people from all over the world can call in and mock Harry's moon sized body while his dad defends his son's honor. The top secret memo was ironically revealed on Knowles' site by a regular poster named "AnlWrt15" and quickly drew cries of Knowles being a sell out, which he has carefully avoided over his many years by appearing in obviously crappy movies like "The Faculty" and praising them on his site. A scan of the memo is included and reads:


Sirs, you know me from my staring[sic] roles in The Faculty as Mr. Knowles and The Ballad of the Sad Cafe where I played the fat boy. I also have a famous internet page. I would like to have a show like my web page where people can talk about movies and call to give feedback. Also I have ideas for the set inside my house because I don't want to go out in the sun and things. Thank you.

[Sketch of Set]

To do:
Buy weight watchers drinks - Chocolate
Return Anal-conda and Dark Meat, White Gravy
Rent Into the Foxhole

Being awarded this week's "Kids Today Do The Most Ray-Tarded Things" is a 16 year old boy from Auburn, Washington who was seriously injured when he re-enacted fight scenes from "Fight Club." The teen suffered a near life-threatening head injury after stepping into a punch in a friend's garage. Several onlookers claim the boy had died, but was revived when the crowd had used their "positive mental attitude" to bring the boy back to within inches of his life. Another boy, clearly a fan of Meatloaf's character from the film, who was in the crowd had to be taken to the hospital after his homemade "bitch tits" exploded sending flesh and chicken fat all over the garage. Police have put out an APB for Edward Norton's imagination which is also suspected of shooting up Seattle and Honolulu office buildings over the past few days.

The worst fear of movie studios has been realized, and it's not Peter "Fucking" Dragon or Bill Gate with a spec script, but rather a computer program called DeCSS. The program, designed by |-|@c|<3rz reportedly cracks the encryption programs that DVD producers include on each disk to prevent copying. The program will now allow DVD movies to be copied onto computers and freely distributed all over the internet. The program takes advantage of DVDs weak encryption protocol which consists of changing 0s to 1s and 1s to 0s. "It's a disturbing development and if it's not curtailed; we could see sites all over the web allowing you to download hundreds of DVD movies for free," said studio shill Alan "Because Everyone Wants To Download And Store At Least 8GB Worth Of Data" McDavis. The few remaining DIVX proponents, who missed the big seppuku party, claim such a catastrophe would never have happened had DIVX succeeded. They also deny any involvement in cracking the DVD encryption code with a "SETEC Astronomy" chip they found in some guy's DVD machine.

Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment are closing a deal to develop a feature version of "Curious George." "George," a popular children's book series, follows the misadventures of an accident-prone and mischievous monkey and his master, The Man in the Yellow Hat. The movie will combine live action with a CGI George. The NAACP has already condemned the film for promoting the slave-master relationship between "the clumsy monkey" and "the white, domineering Man." Adding to the problems, The Pope has also damned the movie stating that "a yellow hat and a monkey" obviously promote the use of condoms for birth control. The idea to make Curious George into a movie is rumored to have hit Imagine's president of production after he saw the book in the backpack of a little boy he molested. Jeremy Piven has been tapped to voice the trouble-making monkey.

WARNING: The following Bizbuzz item is not intended for those with weak hearts, stomach trouble, or people with the last name of Lambert. If you fulfill any of these requirements, you best turn your ass around and head back to something less stroke inducing, like cleaning a Jerker or defrosting frozen orange juice with a warm video game console or blowtorch.



Because everyone knows that kids are into such cutesy little fads like Pokemon or Hello Kitty, we at HGNews would like to cash in on some of that action. We once again flex our collective Mr. Universe-like muscles as we did when we caused "The Sixth Sense" to drop from its number one position and caused "Fight Club" to have a WEAK debut. Please enjoy knowing that the "Pokemon" movie will have Ash, voiced by Lance Henriksen, die at the film's end, only to be resurrected through a Pokemon version of the "Care Bear" stare thus proving that he is "The One", the royal chinpokomon master awwwwhhhhh. Enjoy as word reaches the religious right who will condemn the movie for mocking the resurrection of Jesus and portraying the white Jesus as having a small penis.

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