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September 19, 2000

Brought to you by
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and Matthew "Pinwiz" Elcock.

WHOíS GOING TO BE NUMBER THREE?

Shelagh Fraser, better known to proud geeks everywhere as Aunt Beru in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, passed away last Tuesday at the age of 87 after a long illness. This marks the second significant Star Wars death in just over a month, with the passing away of Sir Alec "These arenít the droids youíre looking for" Guinness starting the cycle. Word has it that George "Iíve got it all planned out, honest!" Lucas has sent some of his lackeys to rub off the actor who played the Ewok Wickett in Return of the Jedi or one of his ilk so that none of the "important" actors die off before the completion of the current trilogy in production.

Services for Fraser will be held on Thursday, where all of the flesh will be burnt off of her corpse and the smoking skeleton will be laid out in the desert for public viewing. Music will include the Imperial March, Jar-Jar Binkís remake of "Sexbomb," and a new musical by Andrew-Lloyd Weber starring Antonio Banderas.

HEY! THERE'S A HIDDEN COMMENTARY TRACK BY SUSAN!

Survivor-philes, take note. Mark Burnett, our modern William Golding, has announced that a DVD collection of the first season of Survivor will be released for general consumption around January 28... around the same time as Survivor 2: Electric Boogaloo premiers on CBS. A VHS version of the series will be released in a couple of weeks, but anyone who buys that deserves a shoe-beating. The DVD will show the events in all their digital glory, allowing you to see exactly how gaunt Dirk became and every wrinkle that started to form on Jenna's face thanks to her crying. Extras include previously unseen footage (*insert Richard joke here*), a screensaver of The Colleen Dance, and Greg and Joel's previously unreleased gay porn video.

UPN TRIGGERS GEHENA 

In a struggle to capture more of that lucrative "Battle Dome" crown, UPN has announced that they will be bringing two new Reality TV shows in for mid-season:

  • "Road Rage" is an attempt to meld two popular styles: Professional Wrestling and FOX TV's "When Christine Attacks!" specials.  Contestants compete "against one another, as well as a cast of 'road warriors,' who hurl sludge, oil and other obstacles. The contestants accrue points as they face off with demolition derby vehicles." These warriors are named in the typical pseduo-tough guy style, like "Chainsaw," "The Soul Taker," and "Carmine."

  • "Temptation Manor," from the creators of Blind Date, puts newly married couples together on a tropical resort and forces them to engage in wife-swapping. At the end of the visit, couples decide if they want to stay together or leave with Rick Rockwell.

Viewers are recommended to go out and stock up for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse that will occur mid-season.

IT'S GONNA BE ME(ahyee...)

All those rumors are true. Britney Spears and Justin (The gay blond co-lead singer with Kung-Fu Grip) Timberlake from N-SYNC are in love. In an interview with Elle magazine, the princess in the red vinyl jumpsuit that just screams yeast said, "When you're really comfortable with someone you love, the silence is the best. And that's how me and J are. When we're in a room we don't have to say anything. It's for real." Sales of Vanilla N-SYNC Lip Gloss plummeted as a result. Since Justin was voted "Most Likely To Be One Of The Two Gay Guys in N-SYNC," and Britney looks way too much like a drag queen, things are suspect. We will monitor the situation and keep you posted. (Besides, of Justin's straight then there's a better chance that Joey isn't.  Mmmmmmm...  Joey.  His lip gloss is Green Apple.)

BANISH GEORGE OR I'LL SHOOT THIS PUG!

Just a reminder:  You still have one day to call 1-900-740-1000 and vote to kick George out of the Big Brother compound Wednesday night.  You know you want to do it, and I'm telling you to do it.  So just do it!  That way we can focus on getting Eddie out of the house so that Josh and Curtis can let their real feelings come out, if you know what I mean.

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