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May 11, 2000

This week, bizbuzz is brought to you by:
and Donovan Unks.

The French Remain Stinky
The ungrateful bastards that are the French are at it again. Despite being reminded about how we saved their asses in the war with "Saving Private Ryan," they've "declared war" against American cultural imperialism, urging European film companies to unite in opposition against "all powerful Hollywood." French Prime Minister, and number one Jerry Lewis fan, Lionel Jospin said Europeans must unify their film groups to rival the American film industry and save the uniqueness provided by European films. One of the first steps in his "war plan" is the creation of a "European Film Classics Preservation Program" which will work hard to save Gerard Depardieu films and movies with lots of nude women with poor grooming habits. The program should provide countless entertainment for the French comedy troupe "Le Théâtre de la Science et du Mystère: Le jeu pour la maison." The "war" is expected to end in five days, starting with, of course, a French surrender.

Go, Go, Golan
The "talented" half of the Golan-Globus duo, Menahem Golan, handed out leaflets at Cannes announcing he is making "Elian: The Gonzales-Boy Story." The dignified producer's fliers had a photo re-enactment of the now famous "Fisherman Creepily Hiding In A Closet With A Boy He Found With An MP5 Held To His Head" photo. Golan said he hopes to have the movie ready to air in September, beating the planned CBS made-for-TV movie by two months. Golan said he has already started "shooting in a secret location," and that's a totally serious and real quote that we did not make up. Please feel free to make up your own pedophile joke, but don't forget about linking the secret shooting location to Golan's basement and incorporating something about Calvin Klein being the film's director as well as Patrick Naughton being the movie's web site designer.

Buona Sera, Fucker
Apparently feeling the loss of Mario Puzo and the positive appeal of "Mob chic," politicians in Italy are up in arms against the upcoming filming of "Hannibal" within the confines of the city of Florence. Members of the Greens and Popular Party commented that, "This will add nothing to Florence's world prestige. We believe that instead the city would become the setting for morbid thrills and vulgar horror, if you don't count our women who refuse to shave their pits." They concluded by saying that if their demands were not met, people would be found dead, houses burned to the ground, and ashes pissed on.

Don't Call It The Cut From The Line-up Show...Yet
The final two episode of this season's "Sports Night" will air Tuesday and will work either as a closer for the series or set up a new season, said producer Aaron Sorkin. While low-rated, the sitcom's critical praise might be enough to keep it on ABC's schedule. Remember when we told you to watch "Action"? Then you didn't, so it got cancelled and now the world is without one great show? Well, you should watch this last episode of "Sports Night" because it's a fantastic little show that mixes comedy and drama like a tasty 50-50 Crown Royal and Coke drink. Then, when it shows up on the fall line-up, be sure to watch it then too, because a good show is a terrible thing to waste. And while it runs against "Angel" at the 9:30pm ET/PT slot,that doesn't mean you can't tape it. Of course you should also tape "Buffy" and "Angel" since they promise to be "quality" episodes as we find out Riley has a chip in his head that "bonds" him to Adam in that "you can't kill me because Maggie made me" kind of way. This would probably prevent Riley from stopping Adam from creating a race of human-demon hybrids, especially if the chip caused cancer once removed, forcing Mulder to go to the Pentagon to find a cure for cancer, which everyone knows is found on a Dennis Leary CD containing the entire human genome.

Hollywood Feels The Love
The "Iloveyou" computer virus that wreaked havoc with computer systems last week also shut down many Hollywood studio e-mail systems. Many movie companies and television networks found themselves at the mercy of the Philippine born virus that deletes music and picture files. Insiders at several studios reported that many high ranking executives were frustrated at the loss of pornography they had spent years collecting on their computers. One anonymous executive sporting a French maid outfit, calling himself "Andre,” and denying his employment at Disney said he should have known better: "It's a good case for backing up your porn on CD every few weeks, but all this could have been prevented if we had just remembered that in Hollywood, no one really loves you."

Lucas Chooses Actor To Bend Amidala Over A Chair
It has been confirmed that George Lucas has screen-tested a handful of candidates opposite Natalie Portman for the role of Anakin Skywalker in "Star Wars: Episode II - The Crap Keeps On Coming" and has made his decision. The role of the teenaged Skywalker, who ends up banging and knocking up the much older Queen Amidala, will be portrayed by 19 year old Canadian actor Hayden Christensen. Episode II will focus on the growing romantic relation between Anakin and Queen "MOMMY" Amidala which will culminate in the conception of Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa through the use of Anakin's "Force," which he also uses to solve complex math equations and see dead people. Talk on the numerous "Star Wars" fan sites say "Episode II" will have a twist ending in which it's revealed the true father of Luke and Leia is Jar-Jar Binks.

Disney: More Black-Ops Than The Government
Diverting some funds from Walt Disney's hidden cryogenic stasis chamber, Imagineers have revealed that the upcoming movie "Dinosaur" was created in a "Secret Lab" that the studio built to create the computer generated dinos in the film. The movie, which is the typical "adopted fish out of water" plot, promises to be the best dinosaur movie since "Baby: The Secret of the Lost Legend." Disney hopes to use the "Secret Lab" for future films, and one again, please feel free to make your own Patrick "GO..Into My Pants Network" Naughton pedophilia joke, and feel free to toss in something about Walt Disney's sick propensity to watch happy little kids.

Warner Gives HUGE Rebate
From the "Hook, Line, And Addicted" file comes word that Time Warner Cable will give 7 million subscribers a two-day rebate for the two days they were without ABC during Time Warner and Disney's pissing contest last week. The rebate, which works out to approximately $2 per subscriber, is expected to spiral Time Warner into bankruptcy, because of their recent decision to dump $160 billion on AOL leaving their bank account with $10.53. However, in an attempt to prevent bankruptcy, Time Warner will offer subscribers a free premium channel of their choice for a month, which will undoubtedly hook people on Skinemax, the Playboy channel, or "The Sopranos," thus forcing them to subscribe regularly and shell out the cold cash to feed their habit.

"Star Wars" Fans Suckered...Again
="Star Wars" fans, disgruntled over the geek power exhibited by "Star Trek" fans and their Excelsior Campaign, have collectively flexed their chubby arms to eat another Twinkie and persuade George Lucas to back off his previous position to not release a "Star Wars" DVD until all the films have been released. A Lucasfilm spokesperson told Wired magazine, "Absolutely the campaign made an impact! We're listening, and George is listening...with a huge THX certified sound system that he made by jerking the fans around by releasing endless amounts of 'Super Special Special Edition' copies of the movies." The fans, who used several Internet sites to air their protests, on a whole are glad that Lucas has taken their concerns seriously. Lucas could not be reached for comment because he was too busy laughing at the gullibility of his fans, and over the fact that the ray-tards that spent $30 on the "Special Edition" video release of "The Phantom Menace" will shell out another $30 for the DVD version.

"Will" Offends Christians...Again
Focus on Family, a conservative Christian group which holds that homosexuals can be converted into happy and shiny heterosexuals that are into bondage and spanking their women with dildos, has denounced a recent episode of "Will and Grace" that lampooned a group of "ex-gays." Mike Haley, a representative for the group said, "Once again, NBC has chosen to ridicule people with deeply held biblical convictions and those who believe that change is possible." NBC fired back with a press release that contained one sentence - "It's so amazing to see how against homosexuality you are, considering the apparent enjoyment you receive from having huge sticks up your asses."

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