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Sony's mind control satellites
Primedia's Soap Opera Digest and super technomedia conglomco Sony have partnered following news that soap opera fans will be able to access missed episodes of their favorite shows via the internet, especially once high speed internet access is made available through the satellite technology owned by Stefano DiMera. In related Sony news, a spokesman for Sony denies any knowledge of the corporation's involvement in the giving away of Sony disc burners and cracks for Sega Dreamcast games, blaming the stunt on its evil twin company, Summit. The spokesman also said Sony is very pleased to be reunited with a recently discovered company it started in the early 80s and lost while it was in a financial coma.

Gellar's "Tout" ass gets it on AGAIN!
Sarah Michelle Gellar, who has chosen such choice roles in "Cruel Intentions," "Simply Irresistible," "Scream 2," and "I Know What You Did Last Summer," is looking to star in the mistaken-identity comedy "Cletis Tout," in which she would star opposite of HUGE stars Tim Allen and Christian Slater. However, Gellar is slated to star in the thriller "The It Girl" and James Toback's "Harvard Man," both filming during the "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" haitus, which might make it difficult for her to take the "Tout" role. "Cletis Tout" is about an escaped prisoner that assumes the identity of a dead person who turns out to be in a hitman's line of fire. We at HomeGame News don't know which plot is more ridiculous, the "Tout" plot or one where Riley's frat throws a party that gets taken over by spirits from the 50s causing Riley and Buffy to get magically stuck in a state of never-ending passion.

A presidential "Beauty"
Asked by a reporter to address the cultural impact of movie violence in light of "American Beauty's" Oscar win, President Clinton said he felt the movie, despite its violent ending, was "astonishing" and "an anti-violence movie." He remarked, "I certainly don't think anyone who watched it and understood it would think of it as glorifying violence...I think a lot of the tragedy and fear that is behind people who misuse guns would be apparent there. And so I think, if anything, it was an anti-violence movie." Clinton said the issue of violence was practically a moot issue, and that the idea of an older father getting it on with one of his daughter's young, hot, and limber friends was the film's true issue. He concluded by saying, "I also loved that one girls areola, as big and probably as delicious as Reese's Peanut Butter cups."

Jet takes off
Flying off the wire work success of "Romeo Must Die," Jet Li is in talks to co-star in "The Matrix 2" and "The Matrix 3." However, with deals already in place for Keanu Reeves, Carrie Ann-Moss, Laurence Fishburne, and Hugo Weaving, it's unclear how Li would financially fit into the movie. Should Li end up in either film, it's expected that millions of unhip and non-Asian cinema-centric people will talk about that "great new Asian martial artist" around America's water coolers.

S words, that's my final answer
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" is planning to present special celebrity episodes in May. Some of the celebrities currently slated to appear include David Duchovny, Rosie O'Donnell, Ray Romano, Dana Carvey, Kathie Lee Gifford, Vanessa Williams, and possibly Drew Carey. Duchovny's episode will be filmed on a special LA set to allow him to be closer to his family, Kathie Lee Gifford is expected to bring Cody out to perform a special "Millionaire" song, and Carvey will do his Regis impersonation causing Philbin to explode. All celebrity winnings will be donated to charity, with the exception of Carvey's winnings, because he needs the cash since no one is willing to pay to see his "chopping broccoli" and "Church Lady" bits these days. Sources say Sean Connery will appear as a surprise celebrity and will be carrying Alex Trebek's head on a stick.

Don't Bogart the "Potter," duuuuude
Chris "I claim this movie for Robin Williams" Columbus has been tapped to direct the movie version of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." Sources close to Columbus have revealed that the director is looking to re-work the plot so that Robin Williams can take the Harry Potter role. Speculation is the new story will revolve around a grown Harry Potter who has lost his way and become a pot head, living on the streets and fellating businessmen for drug money. When an old sorcerer friend hunts down Potter and enlists his help to locate his lost magical gall stone, hilarity and adventure ensue.

PERFECT MATE!
A planned TV game show in which couples who have carried on cyber-romances on the internet were to meet in person and decide on the spot to be married seems to be doomed. In the wake of the controversy over "Who Wants To Marry A Multimillionaire," producers of the internet romance show, tentatively titled "PERFECT MATE!" felt such a show might not be appropriate at the time. However, they also did not rule out the possibility of the show airing some time in the future. "I hope they do the show 'cause I want to get married and have a family," commented Bobby from Marion, the first contestant slated for the program if and when it gets taped.

Let it be...
The three surviving Beatles are completing work on a joint autobiography, "The Beatles Anthology," which will be released next fall with an $80 cover price. Paul McCartney told the London Sunday Telegraph that "it will dispel some of the myths and put the record straight," such as the myth that Paul is dead. The trio is also expected to reunite on stage next spring in either a pay-per-view special or a series of concerts to connect with the publication of the autobiography and to cash in on some of the "Total Request Live" "boy band" madness. There are also indications that Sean Lennon might substitute for his father or "digital technology" could be used to "recreate" the bloody and slain corpse of John Lennon. In related Lennon news, a screenplay based on the tumultuous relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono has been delivered to Ono. The script, which will be turned into a made for TV movie for VH1, will be 2 hours of the married duo sitting in a room as Ono wails at passing dogs.

Jolie is no crib raider
Still bathing in her Oscar afterglow, Angelina Jolie has been signed by Paramount to play Lara Croft in the film version of the hit video game Tomb Raider. The Tomb Raider video game series centers on the adventures of a scantily clad, big breasticled archeologist who runs around solving puzzles and finding stuff. In the tradition of games and comic books ported to the big screen, the film, which is still undergoing re-writes, will have absolutely no resemblance to the game. It's expected that no one will notice because the teen boys and 30 year-old virgins who love the video game don't know what the game is about themselves, concerned only with watching Lara's tight ass and making her run and jump so her bosom jiggles like a cup of Jell-o. The relic hunter could not be reached for comment.

Balthayzr E. Kelley strikes again!
"Lolita's" Dominique Swain and "Freaks and Geeks" James Franco are toplining "Mean People Suck," a black comedy short film described as "The Breakfast Club" on acid. Swain and Franco play spoiled teens who take pride in their wickedness and bet on which member of their group of friends is the meanest. Expect HomeGame members to complain to Balthayzr E. Kelley for stealing their ideas and basing characters on them without their permission.

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