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Oxygen, the new Oprah Winfrey backed female cable channel, will spend $400 million on programming to create original non-fiction material. "There's never been so much original programming on a new cable launch, and that would be hard to do with scripted entertainment," said Marcy Carsey, one of the channel's producers. The network is set to launch on February 2 and viewers can expect several stories about wife beatings, diet plans gone bad, and children stolen by Arabian fathers.

Winning this week's "I'm Ready For My Nude Scene Because My Career Is About To Die, Mr. DeMille" award is teen pop sensation and former pedophile wet dream, Britney Spears. This week, Spears indicated that she would like to supplement her singing career with acting. "There are, like, 20 scripts waiting for me; I get some really good scripts, but I haven't taken them seriously because I knew I didn't have any time," the now 18 year-old says. "It would be fun to do a teen movie, maybe a good supporting role where I could show my acting ability." Most people are familiar with Spears' acting ability from all those TV interviews in which she denies having breast implants, attributing her newly enlarged mammary status to a "natural growth spurt." Listen babe, I've written a movie just for you which includes another type of natural spurt, ifyaknowwhatImean.

Kevin "I RULE!" Spacey now says that he regrets refusing to answer questions about his sexual orientation. He recently told "She" magazine that he has a girlfriend and is thinking about having children. Although he declined to reveal the identity of the woman, people close to Spacey reveal she is a rising, Hungarian, fashion model named Keyserina Soze. When reached for comment, Christopher Walken, in his best Spacey impression, said, "[Spacey's] sexual preference is no one's business, but I'd do him in a New York minute if he were gay. Call me, Kev."

Showtime Entertainment has decided to enter the lucrative DVD market by selling the "Red Shoe Diaries" series on DVD. The sexually sizzling show, which starred David "Téa Cup" Duchovny as a man who asks women to send him their diaries because he's distraught over the death of his PERFECT MATE, spawned a series of movies and eventually ended when Duchovny's character committed suicide to be closer to his dead wife. The DVDs will be released on March 14 and are expected to become quick fan favorites, especially among female "The X-Files" fans who can now watch a naked Duchovny frame-by-frame in digital clarity.

NAACP spokesman, John "Irony Loves A Good Joke" White told the Los Angeles Times that a planned boycott of the major TV networks has been called off. "There's no plan for a boycott because we're in daily, constant communication with [the networks.]" Top network executives said they may be planning to bring more diversity to the industry, possibly even including the appointment of at least one African American member to each network's board by September 1, although "no one should hold their breaths." The newspaper said that at meetings held at the NAACP's headquarters, the NAACP received "positive responses" from the networks, like burning crosses on their lawns, rocks thrown through their windows, and lots of beatings with bats and tire irons.

66 year-old thespian, Michael "The Secret To Powerful Acting Is Not Blinking" Caine, has reportedly sent word to film producers that from now on, he'll only appear in romantic film scenes if his leading ladies are much younger than he is. After seeing "Entrapment" with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones, pedophile Caine was quoted as asking, "What about me?" Because we all know Caine is as HOT as Sean Connery. He added, "These days, my fear of accepting a role where I get the girl is that the girl will look like Margaret Rutherford or something. I don't want to have a love scene with a woman who looks like me for goodness' sake." Expect to see Caine starring opposite of zygotes and aborted fetuses because there ain't no fucking way a young starlet would want to have a love scene with Michael Caine.

The always controversial rodent company, Disney, has managed to urinate on another advocacy group, this one representing Tourette Syndrome. The group objects to a character in the company's blockbuster hit film "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" who is the brunt of jokes because of her uncontrollable swearing caused by Tourette's. The New York Post quotes Judith Ungar, executive director of the Tourette Syndrome Association, as saying that the film "violates every sense of human decency." What? You thought we were gonna toss in a couple of swear words in the quote, didn't you? Because that's what Tourette's people do, right? Yeah, well, maybe we decided to go the other way, you damn sloth fuckers. Leave the writing to us and cram your ideas up your tight little assholes.

"GvsE," the stylishly gritty series about the battle between good and evil in the afterlife, will live on in a programming decision that symbolizes the era of cable niches and corporate synergy. The series, which launched on the USA Network will resurface in March as part of the Friday night lineup on USA's sister Sci-Fi Channel. The show will join such awesome programs like "Farscape" and "Lexx." Fans or "GvsE" can expect a warm welcome by the network, annoying voice-overs during the squished credit sequence, and if the show gains more critical acclaim and ends up being a cult favorite, no advertising or show promotion so that it ends up canceled by next year.

Surging ahead into the new millennium with children's entertainment, Nickelodeon Movies has acquired "Alien Pet Boy." The film is about a boy who is MEAN to his pets and learns the hard way to, "Respect the Cat." Ripping from "The Twilight Zone," the movie will have the boy, a serial killer in training, bashing in kitten skulls with ball peen hammers and torturing neighborhood cats by sticking them in garbage bags, slicing their heads off, and delightfully watching their heads spin on a record player while prancing around naked with a chef's hat on, waving a lightsaber, yelling, "I AM THE PUSSY QUEEN!" The young lad gets abducted by aliens, anally probed, and is turned into a pet on their planet, thereby providing us with our lesson - get yourself a fake tooth filled with cyanide so you can kill yourself in the event you are abducted by aliens, anally probed, and turned into a pet on their planet.

In an attempt to make this the millennium of remakes, Elizabeth Hurley has been tapped to star opposite Brendan Fraser in the remake of the 1967 Faustian comedy "Bedazzled" for director Harold Ramis. In the clearly better and DARKER original, Dudley Moore starred as a short-order cook who was madly in love with a waitress. Striking a deal with Lucifer, Moore gets seven wishes in exchange for his soul. In the updated, happy, shiny, people, the-world-didn't-end version, Fraser plays a TOTALLY BELIEVABLE geeky low-level software company employee who will undoubtedly be forced to wear thick glasses and and a white short sleeve shirt with a pocket protector. When he calls upon a powerful seductress, played by the overweight Hurley, to win the love of a female co-worker, hilarity ensures and Cyrano de Bergerac's nose goes limp. Expect lots of Bill Gates jokes and Fraser to have a kooky programmer friend. In addition, the magic 8-ball says Fraser will definitely pull a Clark Kent and remove his glasses, get a new haircut, and become HOT!

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