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Fuck the French
Once again proving that the French are idiots, a 16 year old boy was charged for attacking his parents with a carving knife after seeing "Scream 3," you know, the movie where the director, Scott Foley, is the killer. Apparently the stinky French boy got loaded on a bunch of METH then fashioned a mask and black cape using plaster and a pashmina. Pansy French police found videos of "Scream" films lying on the boy's bed and "Scream" posters adorning his wall. He reportedly fled the scene still wearing his costume and killed a few worthless hookers. His lawyer expects to get the boy acquitted of all charges because, "no one cares about another dead French bastard."

Chinpokomaster, AWWWWHHH!
In a totally pure and non-commercially motivated maneuver, three Japanese toy companies, Takara, Epoch, and Agatsuma, are forming an alliance with Nippon Animation to create TV cartoon shows featuring characters that can easily be marketed as toys. The first of the seizure inducing and bank account draining shows is expected to hit the air by the end of the year, and will be called, "Pearl And The Harbor Masters." It will be followed up by "Tora, Tora, Tora," "The Hiroshima And Nagasaki Happy Fun Hour," and "Mecha-Iron Chef: The Animated Series."

Ye-Men and The Masters of Nothing
From the "If You'd All Just Stop Bombing Buildings and Issuing Fatwas" file comes word that the government of Yemen and the Arab League, the less popular and less watched cousin to the NFL, is condemning the film, "Rules of Engagement," calling it a "barbaric and racist attack against Arabs and Yemenis." The Yemen foreign ministry observed that their country has not had an anti-US riot in nearly ten years, and that they're clearly trying to change their image of an anti-US rioting country, while proving they have no concept of "fiction." Paramount responded to the claims by saying, "Bwahahahahaha...hahahahahahahaha! Oh, that's good. Tell them to call us when they stop cutting off noses when they don't like your face."

“D.C.” Doesn't Work For Dick
After averaging a weak 38,000 household viewing audience, Dick Wolf's new Washington D.C. intern show, "D.C." has been pulled by The WB. The overly dramatic show following a group of 20-somethings around the nation's Capitol failed to find an audience which critics and Capitol Hill insiders blamed on its lack of "reality." One congressional assistant said, "The only thing I could identify with was the scenery, and there weren't enough parties where characters could sniff coke off whores' breasts." Another D.C. staffer said that the show lacked the gritty reality of buying weed from street dealers, the tension of deseeding weed, and excitement of stalking people on AIM and sending out Beck tapes.

Sample Jar-Jar Next Time
Lucasfilm, the DVD holdout and Star Wars geek rapist company owned by George Lucas, has filed suit against recording star and "sampler" Dr. "Napster Is Stealing My Songs" Dre. The company charges that the lyrical doctor "sampled" Lucas' trademarked "THX Deep Note" on his Dr. Dre 2001 album without permission. Limp Bizkit and Napster weren't available for comment because they were too busy praying to their irony shrine and laughing their asses off.

Oh Myyyyyyy!
Taking a break from masturbating over Klingon porn and thinking about not getting laid, members of the "Star Trek" Excelsior Campaign announced they plan to hold a rally outside Paramount studios. The group is campaigning for a new TV series that would feature George Takei (Sulu) in a show that would be the "true vision" of series creator Gene Roddenberry. There will also be "sister rallies" at TV stations in Mobile, AL, Phoenix, AZ, Denver, CO, Washington, DC, Baltimore, MD, Boston, MA, Columbus, OH, Harrisburg, PA, Philadelphia, PA, Pittsburgh, PA, and Houston, TX. If you live in any of these cities, the Federal Emergency Management Agency will be handing out free cans of Lysol and fragrance sprays to hopefully prevent riots as well as to meet health and sanitation requirements. Paramount refuses to confirm or deny rumors that the entire campaign is a cruel joke on Takei created by William “CONVOY!” Shatner.

You Wanted Your 500 Channels?
Cable subscribers in Chicago-land will find themselves being hit by a whopping 9.5% increase in monthly cable bills come July. AT&T Broadband, who provides cable services to the area, blames the price increase on the rising costs of sports programming and their need to upgrade to digital technology. Once digital cable is fully in place, subscribers can expect to receive 500 channels, 55 of which will consist of the standard cable channels, 50 will be used to deliver "digital audio" radio stations for those who don't have access to Napster, 10 will be used by TVGuide to tell viewers what's on TV, and the remaining 235 will be "reserved for future use," but will be used to broadcast "random monochromatic pixel tests" in the meantime. AT&T also claimed the price increases could be attributed to their need to funnel huge amounts of cash into locating one illegal subscriber using the alias "Balthayzr E. Kelley."

Ainsley's Goose Gets Cooked
NBC has decided to pluck the flamboyant British chef Ainsley Harriott from the airwaves, informing the fey Montel Williams wanna-be that his show will no longer be carried on NBC stations. Harriott's eccentric talk-and-cooking show has continually struggled for ratings because Americans are still freaked out by a black guy who speaks with a limey accent. And thank God, because I swear if I had to accidentally see Ainsley Harriott thrusting his pelvis again, I might have had to go to a clock or water tower with a high powered rifle, but not before taking a garlic press to his testicles. NBC affiliates are planning to fill the slot with a new relationship show called "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." The show is being billed as a Jerry Springer show for aliens and has lined up the cast of "Out of This World" and "ALF" for its first episode.

Who Wants To Be Uncomfortable Around Black People?
An on-camera discussion between Regis Philbin and Steven Clark, who became the first black contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," was reportedly edited out of the final version that was aired. During the chat, Clark, a Harvard graduate and surgeon, remarked, "This is a show where Joe Blow from any where who weighs either 80 pounds or 350 pounds, is physically attractive or ugly, can compete. You don't have that on other game shows." Afraid of the big black man, Regis didn't tell Mr. Clark that he should tune in to the white trash parade known as "The Price Is Right," the slobering geekfest called "Jeopardy," the Westminster moron show "Wheel of Fortune," or Howard Stern's classy "Who Wants Vaginal Plastic Surgery."

Your Tuttle Newsbreak
Stephen "Mike Nelson? And You Are?" Chao said he was trying to be self-deprecating, but some USA Network employees were offended by his use of a racial slur during a companywide meeting in New York. In discussing his recent promotion to president of USA Cable, Chao used an Eddie Murphy line from "48HRS": "I'm your worst nightmare -- a nigger with a badge." Chao said he cited the 1982 movie and quoted the line in an effort to stress that he would not be a dictatorial leader. Insiders said Chao's comments reflected his iconoclastic, shoot-from-the-lip management style, which is known to have rankled a number of current and former USA employees. The incident recalls Chao's 1992 dismissal as president of Fox TV Stations after he brought out a male stripper at a Fox corporate retreat, attended by Rupert Murdoch, to illustrate a point in his presentation about censorship.

“Action” Gets Action
And in fantastically wonderful news, The fX Channel has decided to air the few episodes of "Action" that were born into this cold, cruel world of ratings. What's truly "quality" is that they will air all the produced episodes of the "edgy" comedy about a movie executive, which includes several unaired episodes. Since you all failed to listen to us when the show made its original debut, thus getting it cancelled, you'd best watch it this time around, just so you can see what you missed out on, and deprived the world of.

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