It has begun. With this week's current batch of new releases, holiday movie season is officially upon us. Hollywood, looking to make beaucoup bucks from families and people on vacation, is dispatching some of its heavy hitters to entertain the masses, and in later weeks, movies looking for Oscar nods. Ah-nold's “The 6th Day¹,” in which the actor does not play the same character from “Total Recall” that has to uncover a hidden plot involving his stolen identity, falls into the former category, because if it wins any Oscars, I might need to move to Greece.

The trailer starts off by establishing out setting – the future! How do we know it's the future? Because the deep voiced trailer man says so which means we must believe him. If you don't believe him, then gosh Dogget, he's gonna prove it to you with the help of the trailer! Is a car that can drive itself³ enough proof? Sure, the car looks like an ordinary four-wheel pick-up truck, but it has a fancy OnStar⁴ computer inside that drives it, so it has to be the future! Not enough? How about futuristic light switches that turn on by you waving your hand over them! Now THAT'S the future! Still not convinced? How about “the perfect girlfriend⁵” which is really a hologram? It must be the future if that's happening! Honestly, it must be the future if they've made a holographic woman that can give you a hand job and bring you a beer!

Now that the trailer has established this movie takes place in the future, it moves on to the important stuff, like introducing the “plot” and “message to society.” In this case, we find out that technology has grown so advanced that we can clone people and steal identities⁶. Ah-nold, who's walking to his house with what appears to be a VICKI robot under an arm, discovers this the hard way when he sees himself celebrating his child's birthday in his own house! The preview does an excellent job at showing Ah-nold's confused state of mind during this discovery⁷. For some reason, the trailer people decided to use the new filters on the copy of iMovie that came with their iMac, because most of the transitions use an annoying ripple effect, along with an annoying metallic sound effect. I guess the transition and sound effect help to reinforce the fact that it's the future, in case you forgot.

Anyway, we see some clips of ConfusedAh-nold having hazy flashbacks, “acting,” and “talking.” Somehow, he finds someone⁸ to complain to about his life being stolen. Through more rapidly introduced clips, we find out a “sixth day violation⁹” was made and that Ah-nold was cloned. Why someone would want to clone a big, idiotic, Republican ape is beyond me, but he was cloned and violated, as seen in other clips where Ah-nold is subjected to being placed on a futuristic tanning bed/cloning machine. From the trailer, it seems this movie may beat the record set by “Manos: The Hands of Fate” for the most amount of scenes of a character looking through a window. Of course to fool the audience, these window scenes are interspersed between more “Robocop” like flashbacks which may or may not involve visions of a Martian resistance, Sharon Stone, or three breasted alien women. With all that stuff out of the way, Ah-nold decides he “wants his life back.” That's the cue for the trailer to kick into high gear and let us know that not only are we in the future, but we're in an action packed future where goofy Austrians with pig parts can defenestrate themselves and do action movies well after their prime. The preview continues on to deliver plot points less complicated than those seen in “Parts: The Clonus Horror,” as well as compassion points, evidenced by Ah-nold crying about losing his wife and kid along with his identity¹⁰.

Robert Duvall finally shows up and tells Ah-nold that the people who cloned him are looking to destroy all evidence of the sixth day violation and cover up their search for immortality, that includes eliminating Schwarzenegger. By the looks of the trailer, the people who cloned him are rejects from “The Matrix¹⁴.” This of course means that not only are we in a futuristic action movie, but a futuristic action movie that will rip off the fight scenes and special effects from “The Matrix.” How truly exciting¹⁵. Not wanting to disappoint, the trailer makers make sure to insert some choice Ah-nold bon mots, such as, “You cloned the wrong man,” and “I know who I am¹⁶.”

The trailer moves on to show us a scene of flying…things trying to push each other into the sides of Beggar's Canyon¹⁷. Oh, the audience is also treated to scenes of laser shootings, because this can't be the future if there aren't lasers¹⁸. The trailer makers, obviously fearing your death from an adrenaline rush, decide to slow the pace down and end the trailer with another plot revelation – someone asks Ah-nold how he knows he's not the clone. Yep, the movie has futuristic action, a morality message about cloning and technology, and a little spirituality, because we all often ask ourselves how we know “we're not the clone.”

In the end, this trailer sucks in terms of promoting an action movie as it has way too many quick cuts, and the clips of action scenes are far too short. It seems like the fancy transitions compose at least thirty seconds of the preview. Based on the trailer, I'd say rent this movie if you can't rent “Total Recall” or “Gattaca.” Instead, go spend your money this weekend on something more entertaining, like “How The Grinch Stole Christmas,” which won't disappoint, especially if you have kids or are a Gen-Xer suffering from the nostalgia blues. However, if that's sold out and you're only choices are “Rugrats in Paris¹⁹” or “The 6th Day,” go see Ah-nold.

1. Not to be confused with "The Sixth Day" or "The 6th Sense" in which Willis plays a ghost².
2. Which is not to be confused with "Unbreakable," in which Willis plays an indestructible man that Samuel "Fragile" Jackson wants to kill so he's no longer so breakable.
3. Which might help Ah-nold to not run over the family pet with his Hummer.
4. Not a Trapper Keeper.
5. Note: The studio wanted to use "Perfect Mate," but that term is trademarked by HGI, and we don't need any more money to add to our vast funds.
6. Yet no flying cars or bubble houses under the oceans.
7. Nothing says, "Grrr, Ah-nold confused" more than him squinting and cocking his head to one side.
8. Someone we're sure isn't a double agent of some kind.
9. Which is much worse than a seventh day violation since that's just lounging around the house all day and "resting."
10. Poor Ah-nold! What will he do without his private jet, modest 9,000 square foot home with 6,000 square foot garage, and gardener¹¹.
11. The same gardener whose kids Ah-nold's children play with so they "remain grounded¹²."
12. But to be fair, at least Ah-nold didn't pull a Jim Carrey¹³ and request a separate trailer for his evil clone.
13. Of course if the guy wants a trailer for himself and The Grinch, I say give it to him.
14. Which would mean they were in "Timeshifters."
15. Because we all know that if this didn't have Ah-nold in it, it'd be on TBS or the Sci-Fi Channel.
16. Ah-nold is supposedly banned from performing Shakespeare, because teachers around the world fear students would only learn the Ah-nold edited versions in which Hamlet would have zero monologues and a total of twelve lines.
17. It's far less enthralling than the Shuttlecraft fight scene in "Star Trek: Insurrection" since Worf, Picard, and Data aren't there singing from Gilbert and Sullivan.
18. And remember, it's not a normal future, because despite flying…things, lasers, cloning, and perfect girlfriends, there are still cars with four wheels driving themselves around town.
19. Unless you're a Thai houseboy looking for MSTings.

Review by drunks@homegame.org

But still no flying cars!

Remember Cole, rubbing is cloning, now take him on the outside!

"We're here to audition for 'The Matrix' sequels."

Not a leftover alien from "Total Recall."

Damn these Lasik eye surgeries!

So the "perfect girlfriend" is one that's transparent?

Two, two, two Ah-nolds for the price of one...cheap mirror filter.

Wow, Expedia and OnStar are powering cars of the future? Let the "crashing" jokes begin.

Look out! Lasik eye surgery lasers are out of control!