Because the trailer is the true test of a movie's quality!


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Ratings Explanation

Lucky Numbers

What is luck? It's being a washed-up actor with a new career thanks to Quentin Tarantino. What isn't luck? Having L. Ron Hubbard take all your money and starring in crap like “Battlefield Earth” and “Lucky Numbers,” because Quentin has lost the ability to make new movies*. After seeing the trailer for “Lucky Numbers,” I'm wondering if Travolta*** needs to take another decade long break from his career and become an airline pilot. It's not really a bad idea considering Kelly Preston can probably earn decent coin from appearing nude in more movies.

Anyway, let's move on to the business at hand. The trailer starts off by introducing our hero, Travolta. Apparently, Travolta is playing Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day,” because he's a wacky and goofy weatherman at one of the local news channels. Remember kids, ALL local weathermen are goofy and wacky. ALL! Right off the bat, you know the movie is gonna suck because of this fantastic use of weatherman stereotyping****. See, it's comedy gold getting Travolta to dress in a sombrero and speak in Spanish, because he's Travolta! It's so funny that you might as well shoot me in the head right now, because I want to die a quick and painless death, rather than be subjected to a slow one caused by laughing too hard!

The trailer moves on to show us that Travolta is a huge local celebrity with a fancy convertible Jaguar and lots of old people requesting photos with him******. Apparently his success has even allowed him to own a snowmobile dealership, which I'm sure is funny in some ironic way that will be pointed out in the film. Hey, don't stop there though! Travolta not only has all that, but he has his own table at Denny's! I'll be honest, that's probably one of the only amusing parts of the trailer*******. Unfortunately, while basking in the glow of his table, he's handed a notice of foreclosure********.

All the next trailer scenes are of movers and repo-men taking back Travolta's belongings from his big mansion, as well as his Jaguar. Now stuck with a lime green piece of shit, Travolta's decent into true comedic acting is underway. While eating breakfast, Travolta is offered the opportunity by a shady man with an accent to make millions by cheating the state lottery. How will he do this? With the help of Lisa Kudrow whom Travolta is sleeping with and is the lottery's “ball girl.*********” Of course being the hero, Travolta has reservations because he's a Big Brother and partakes in other happy community activities. This is made clear to us by the trailer makers who show Travolta sitting and having fun in a classroom with kids.

With the premise set-up, it's time for the trailer to introduce more eccentric and comedic co-stars. When the trio of cheaters decide to pick a dummy to buy the lottery ticket, they choose Kudrow's cousin, Walter**********, played by Michael “Sell-out” Moore. Moore's character's schtick seems to involve an asthma inhaler and lots of wheezing. I'm telling you, this movie loves its superficial comedy, which wouldn't be so bad if this was trying to be a gross-out comedy, but it's trying to be a “real” comedy, so it fails…miserably. However, as we learned from such fine caper films like “Trapped In Paradise,” something must go wrong. In this case, Al Bundy finds out about the cheating and wants a cut of the winnings***********.

Oh, but hold on, the trailer moves on to a scene of a wrapped up body being thrown into a river, so maybe there will be a little Cohen-esque dark humor. This wouldn't surprise me since Ephron is a master at ripping off stuff from other directors and writers************. The trailer wraps up with Kudrow telling Travolta about the death and feigning sadness over the matter. The callous Travolta interrupts her and asks if she wants to have sex, to which she agrees. Under normal circumstances, this would probably be a funny exchange, but in this instance it's not. I can't place my finger on why it doesn't work - I can't say if it's the tone of the trailer, the lack of chemistry between the actors, the actors' lack of acting ability, or the fact Nora Ephron sucks. Whatever the case may be, the lack of chuckle moments in this trailer for a comedy is a sure sign that the movie is going to blow.

Honestly, this movie doesn't even look like it could entertain you and a group of friends at home on video. I would completely avoid this movie. It doesn't deserve a kick in the nutzzzzz, because that would require energy and emotional interest on my part. This movie could be a big hit, or be a flop, I couldn't care any less, unlike with “Urban Legends” which no one should have seen, because this new horror craze is derivative, which is why I'm going to kick people who see “Blair Witch 2” in the nutzzzz. However, you're all still free to buy into the Oscar buzz for “Pay It Forward” and enjoy seeing Osment get stabbed and killed at the end when he tries to help a kid being picked on by a street gang.

*Most likely because he used up all 7 of the wishes Liz Hurley gave him**.
**The seventh of course being his winning bid to get a walk-on role on "Fraiser."
***Not to be confused with his Psychotonomy brother, Tomm Travolda.
****A decent movie would at least go the opposite way, like maybe a depressed weatherman who wants to commit suicide on air by slashing his wrists with those fake little magnetic suns, which EVERYONE uses*****.
*****And by "everyone," I don't mean real weathermen, but Hollywood weathermen who still like to use them exclusively.
******The voice over man even suggests his popularity is due to his winning personality, but we know the truth – mind control is one of his Scientology powers, much like healing, levitating objects, turning red lights to green, and stopping Communism.
*******Which means it'd be funnier if they had cast a black man in the lead role instead of Travolta.
********That's what happens when you give all your money to a bunk religion.
*********Sadly, Kudrow, who's had some excellent roles in other movies, fails to deliver in the preview's clips, instead being relegated to playing an even dumber version of her "Friends" character, Phoebe. I've never been a big fan of the Phoebe character, and an even bigger airhead version of her guarantees this film's suckage.
**********Not to be confused with Walters the HomeGame has come across in the past.
***********If this was a good Cohen Brother's dark comedy, this would lead to lots of backstabbing, murder, and the liberal usage of a woodchipper, but it's a Nora Ephron movie, so that means lots of crap. And it's not just regular crap; it's Nora Ephron crap. That means it's a giant crap cocktail with crap from numerous safari animals, Meg Ryan, and Tom Hanks. I also think there might be a little blood in it.
************She might even be better at it than Balthayzr E. Kelley if the stuff she decided to steal wasn't crap.

Avoid this movie and it'll be your lucky day.

Review by




Give that man some maracas!


Lisa, have I told you about Scientology?




Go see "Battlefield Earth!"


Denny's - now serving rich white men!


What's in the envelope? Use your reactive mind to find out!


It's not a tu-mah! It's body thetans!


Skinny, blonde airheads of the world unite!


Michael Moore must have just found out about Rage Against the Machine's break-up.


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