Because the trailer is the true test of a movie's quality!


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Ratings Explanation



How can you ensure that no one sees your movie? You start it with a voice over given by the annoying Pepsi girl. Personally, I would never have cast that little plague in anything, and I definitely would never put her in a movie trailer if I did cast her*. And if you think things can only go up and get better, you're seriously mistaken. It's sad when after ten seconds of a preview you can tell a movie is gonna suck, at least if you don't have ovaries, and even then you'll probably hate this movie.

The first scene in the trailer is of Minnie Driver sporting a new straightened do and decked out in a beauty pageant crown and gown. Our Miss Haversham is happily dining in a Denny's** with the annoying Pepsi girl and Fingercuffs, from “Chasing Amy.” Luckily, Pepsi whore doesn't break out into song. Some hausfrau and her daughter come up to ask Minnie for an autograph and inquires if the Pepsi Girl is her daughter. In her best Midwestern accent, Minnie says Miss Illinois can't have a daughter. Little does Minnie know the Midwest is a breeding ground for little bastards and “used” women destined to work at special Scientology camps***.

The giant “Fried Green Tomatoes” love fest starts with some nice lesbian guitar music and Minnie asking her white trash mom if she'll watch her at the Miss American Miss Pageant. We learn, despite not wanting to, that Minnie has been working for this great moment of pageantry since she was a little 8 year-old Jean Benet. The movie introduces more of its threatened quirky humor with a clip from a beauty pageant class where students are learning to wave properly*****. There's some weird female arguing that only mothers and daughters would understand, but people watching the trailer can get the gist of it – Minnie wants her mother's acceptance, but the real mother-daughter relationship she should be concerned with is the relationship between her and the Pepsi Girl. Yep, and I totally bet Minnie's mom doesn't show up to surprise her daughter at the pageant. Nope, that sooooooo won't happen. And there won't be a giant crying and hugging scene with all three of them at the end AT ALL******.

In an attempt to bond with her Pepsi Girl, Minnie takes her to the Miss American Pageant********. Obviously this is a wise move on Minnie's part, because in a competition where “poise counts,” you definitely want your bastard child there to give you support. Anyway, some other contestants start getting suspicious about Minnie's “used” status because she's rooming with Pepsi Girl. It becomes readily apparent that Minnie's talent isn't acting, but doing really stupid things in the name of bonding with annoying commercial actresses*********.

As if all the girliness wasn't enough to induce you to have a period, Pepsi Girl confronts Minnie, telling her she doesn't want her to win, but to answer one question – where does she belong. Now if THAT isn't a set up for a murder-gone-wrong comedy, I don't know what is. Imagine the wacky dark comedy of Minnie dumping Pepsi Girl in a dumpster and running from the law, getting caught, and defending herself in trial by playing home videos, Pepsi commercials, and claiming it's still technically “abortion.” Even better would be to add a sci-fi twist and have Minnie donate the “aborted” Pepsi Girl to the National Institute of Health for stem cell research.

There's even more lesbionic music and more clips to ensure any men watching the trailer develop ovaries, and a scene of Fingercuffs offering advice. I'll admit, Fingercuffs********** makes the trailer more bearable, more so since she's apparently a prisoner in some bocka-chicka-wocka female jail, but I'm sure she doesn't make the movie bearable, unless Anne Heche ends up in that jail. As is tradition with these types of movies and their previews, we have some slo-mo as Minnie and Pepsi Girl run around having fun in wacky situations, like on a street with a shopping cart. Oh, it's all so quaint and cute! But that's not the final tear jerking moment***********! No sir, because Minnie in her moment of true revelation on stage says she'd rather be a real role model to one girl – her daughter.

In the end, I guess the trailer people knew this movie was going to suck and that no one would see it, and that's why they basically decided to spoil the whole movie. Normally, I'd say spoiling a movie and placing key plot points, including the movie's ending, in the preview sucks and is a ray-tarded move on part of the trailer makers, but in this case, it's a good thing. It's good thinking if you analyze it - no one will see the movie, so let's just use it as a tax write-off by showing the audience the whole movie in two minutes. Oh, Kathleen Turner also shows up in the movie as the beauty pageant class teacher, and one can only hope for some unintentional “watch my accent of unknown origin change from scene to scene” comedy on her part.

There you have it, another predictable chyck flyck delivered to your theater by Hollywood. Don't see this. Don't give money to Destination Films, because you're only going to encourage them to keep making this crap. If you dare to watch this movie, I will definitely kick you in your ovaries************. I will pull an Alec Baldwin on you and do my best “Malice” impression of God. Remember, I'm good my nut kicking promises, so don't tempt me and avoid “Beautiful” at all costs.

*And believe me, not only would the planets have to be aligned in some mystical configuration for that to happen, but I'd need to be in the midst of a massive stroke causing severe mental retardation, and even then I'd cast her only under the caveat that I be able to roam between Heaven and Hell at my leisure, toying with people, after my death due to the stroke.
**This can be determined by the lack of black people in the restaurant and the bloody underwear that must be in the restroom.
***Which is reason #5,213 why Illinois should be bombed when certain parties**** are out of the state.
****No, not you Felix "my-crow" Takia.
*****Not the sporting event kind nor the Nazi-like student organization type, but the elbow-wrist-elbow kind.
******Sadly, I won't really know what happens and neither should you, because you should only go to this movie if you want to catch a good mid-afternoon nap*******
*******Although you're probably better off going to a professionally run Nap-land.
********Although the better alternative would have been selling her into the white slave trade for $10,000 with the hopes she'd end up a dead concubine.
*********No, it's not wrong to hope Pepsi Girl ends up dead of a heroin overdose in 6 years.
**********Yes, I know her real name is Joey Lauren Adams, but thanks for indulging me in my superficial need to find comedy in referring to actors by the nicknames of their more memorable characters.
***********Although if you're on the birth control pill, it's okay for you to cry.
************That goes for guys too, because if you're a guy seeing this, there is no way you have nutzzzz.

Beautiful Bullshit

Review by




That's no Woozle named Peanut.


Serving poisoned food to contestants happens and is expected in any good pageant.




Where do you belong? How about the toxic waste ditch they put all the Crystal Pepsi in?


Wheeeee! Let's bond by stealing the pregnant homeless woman's shopping cart!


I have the grandest hat of them all! I am the queen of everybody!


Silly girl, you can't mind meld with yourself.


Kathleen Turner playing a limp wristed man, which should be too difficult for her.


Hopefully Jay and Silent Bob show up to offer some advice.


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