GalaxyQuest

Hey, it's another one of those blasted space movies! Just what the world needs. From the trailer, we know the movie is about the cast of some old, crap-ass, sci-fi TV show called "Galaxy Quest" with a huuuuuge cult following, and gosh, what could that be based on? The trailer starts out by making it clear that the lead spacehog of a hero, played by Tim "Ex-con" Allen, has an ego problem, or something like that.

The preview makes sure to toss in a few convention shots with fans dressed up in alien costumes and reciting lines, which is nothing we haven't seen in an SNL sketch. Apparently, tired of doing conventions with uber-geek fans and being the guests of honor at hardware store openings, the show's cast grows weary for something else to do, which is probably where we get a "be careful what you wish for" lesson.

Anyway, it looks like some aliens manage to catch the show's signals and decide to come to earth to request the TV crew's help in...something. The trailer doesn't really make it clear what type of help is needed, but it's gonna be "funny." Undoubtedly, the movie will have the cast members reluctant to go, but our fearless Captain Allen will some how convince them to go along with the plot because it's the adventure they desire! If I had to hedge my bets, I'd expect a, "Isn't this what you wanted? Something more exciting than signing autographs at a convention," line, because you know something like that is gonna be there.

So, when the trailer introduces the aliens, the "leader" talks like some nasal ray-tard, which could be the only highlight in the preview, because as we know from our old pal Gene Siskel, ray-tards make for good comedy. However, I'd have to say if he spoke that way through the entire movie, I'd need to burn the theater down, especially if it was in DTS/SDDS/THX sound. I guess that would explain why they don't have him speaking too much in the preview, which is a really good strategy.

Admittedly, the preview does a passable job at conveying what I guess is a fair representation of the movie's "humor" and effects, although these days, what space monkey movie doesn't have decent effects? However, a word to the marketing executives - less Tim Allen. Sure, he might be the "star" of the movie, but all his clips in the trailer have him doing his usual bit of trying to be funny. Perhaps the only decent clip of Allen is when he's being chased by a giant rock monster, which he could easily defeat if it were a giant rock of CRACK.

Clearly, the trailer doesn't indicate the film will have any gratuitous nudity or deaths, so those are points against the movie and the preview, and Sigourney Weaver showing off the power of Hollywood make-up and push up bras doesn't count. Judging from the trailer alone, this movie would be pretty good...if they kept its original plot and title, "Three Amigos," which we all know was later re-made as "A Bug's Life." Overall, the trailer doesn't motivate me enough to want to see this pile of shit in a theater, because I wouldn't want to blow eight bucks on it, and because I wouldn't want anyone to see me watching it. It looks cheesy and extremely lame and seems like it tries too hard to be whatever it's trying to be.

Final answer: Avoid this movie and go see something that's quality, like "Man on the Moon." However, if you happen to have a free rental down the line and "Poison Ivy 2" is checked out, then it might be okay to get on video.

Review by drunks@homegame.org

The preview's highlight - a ray-tarded alien.

Stolen Flubber technology allows Captain Tim to be surrounded in alien man-goo.

Ms. Weaver, are you trying to seduce me? Because you are waaaaaaaay too old for me, and I don't have iss-yews.

Looks like someone stole the Goro outfit from "Mortal Kombat."