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Bring It On
Bring It On

Ah, the few transition weeks between the summer and fall movie seasons. It's a time period where you can expect pleasant surprises or total crap. That's right, summer, oft reserved for Hollywood action and, of recent, gross-out teen comedy blockbusters is the “fun” part of the movie year. Fall is when studios like Miramax decide to release their period pieces and drama intense movies for Oscar contention. Now, however, is when the studios release movies they didn't think could survive the rough summer season, but don't fit in with the haughty fall season – it's effectively Hollywood's big bargain close out sale*.

In “Bring It On,” The Industry tries to get original and kitschy by offering up a teen movie that centers around the difficult and dramatic lives of high school cheerleaders. Never have we seen such a gritty expose of real life since “Oz.” The trailer starts out with the introduction of the championship Toro** cheerleading squad in a high school gym. In a scene clearly inspired by “American Beauty,” Kristen “I'm So Stupid I Lost On Celebrity Jeopardy” Dunst's cheerleader character ends up topless, but without rose petals flying from her chest. The trailer kicks into some of that hip-hop music the kids these days like with “Check Out The Girls With The Butts” along with a montage of cheerleaders showing off their butts***.

The true highlight of the trailer comes with the introduction of the “Upright Citizens Brigade's” own Pro Tunderballer, Steve Youngblood****, making an appearance as a dance choreographer*****. Now, from the trailer, it looks like these are NOT Pro Thunderball cheerleaders, and that sucks, but this is Steve Youngblood, and he wants you to know that “cheerleaders are dancers who've gone retarded.” From life experiences and the trailer, I would have to agree with that assessment.

Attempting to draw in “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” fans, the trailer makers throw in some gratuitous shots of TV's Faith******* in a bikini washing a car and being damp. Sadly, there's bad planning in the trailer's creation, because the next shot is of a male cheerleader which is no way to treat those young boys in the theater eagerly watching the preview. The shocker is that the male cheerleader is getting mocked by a football player, because male cheerleaders must be very “Dick Hatch” or playas looking for an easy way to handle women and look up their skirts. Either way, they're creepy********. There are more shots of Dunst dancing around with pom-poms on her bed and even more shots of cheerleaders practicing and competing, all to B*Witched's cover of “Mickey**********.” About half way through the trailer, we're finally treated to some idea of what the movie's plot is – the Toro's cheers and moves were Xeroxed from an inner-city cheer squad, minus the big boo-tays and nappy ass weaves. When the gangsta-gangsta squad is able to go to the cheerleading contest to compete with the five time champion Toros, everything is clearly set-up for a climactic dance off to rival the one in “Breakin'.” In Hollywood's Pollyanna land, there's probably a tie or both teams lose. Or, if they want to keep with being "original," the inner-city squad wins, garners much deserved praise and attention, but ends up becoming close friends with their white, thieving sis-tahs. All I know is you probably won't care about the ending because you'll probably have walked out of the theater.

Lots of fun stereotypes get played out as our African Princesses ponder, with lots of attitude, if “white girls could come up with those moves” while they bob their heads and do lots of “talk to the hand, girlfriend” motions. Remember, just as the movie's scriptwriters did, that black girls are feisty and sassy. The theft of moves inspires the snooty Dunst to look for new moves to defeat the poor, ghetto cheerleaders. I'm gonna guess this is where Steve Youngblood, dance choreographer, comes into play. We're treated to some peppy techno-pop by Aqua, and there's lots of dancing and cheering and aerial acrobatics and kissing***********. The trailer folks toss in a quick shot from the inside of the girl's locker room, which I'm sure won't come close to “Porky's” locker room scene, but I guess will help to draw in a bigger audience. The trailer closes with shots from the cheerleading championship before closing with the movie's title, which uses the standard “Yearbook Outline” font.

Clearly, the trailer is aimed at the movie's target audience – teenage boys who are too scared to hide porn under their beds, lesbian cheerleaders, and pedophiles. Taking all that into consideration, if you fit into any of those categories, I'd recommend the highest possible rating for this movie: take a fellow teenage boy too scared to hide porn under his bed, lesbian cheerleader, or pedophile as a hostage to see this movie. If you don't fit into one of those catagories, I'd say you need to rent the movie to watch and mock************ with a few friends. And by “mock,” I do not mean have a group jerk off session, because that should be reserved for Showtime's “Kama Sutra” series. If you want to see an entertaining cheerleader movie, I recommend the earlier released, “But I'm A Cheerleader,” which has Ru Paul and is high comedy.

*Except there are no discounts on admission or refreshments.
**Which we can only hope will lead to "Toro shit" jokes.
***And always remember, doggie style is okay, but going in through the out door is not.
****You know, Antoine the cyborg, aka Ian Roberts.
*****No, I'm not gay. I am perfectly aware there are girls in cheerleader outfits and bikinis gyrating and doing pelvic thrusts, and the appearance of Steve Youngblood shouldn't really be a highlight, but all that T&A isn't thick enough, unless maybe if I were some 14-18 year-old virgin that needed stuff to use later on in the privacy of my room. Add to the fact the movie is rated PG-13, so there's really nothing happening there. Also, I'm not a pedophile******.
******Okay, sure, the actresses aren't really teenagers, but it's the thought the counts.
*******That's Eliza "Ah-nold's Daughter From 'True Lies'" Dushku to you unhip OLD people.
********Even though they posses the arms of gods*********.
*********And the creepy term is not reserved for Samuel L. Jackson, who was a cheerleader/stunter.
**********A cover which really needed to be made, because the memory of Tony Basil must live on to haunt us and remind us of how far we've come.
***********But not lesbian kissing, which is a shame.
************But not the parts with Ian Roberts in it, natch.

Don't think.

Rent and enjoy Steve Youngblood.

Review by




Faith enjoys some bikini car washing, not to be confused with the "Bikini Car Wash" series.


Steve Youngblood says, "DONT BE A PUSSY, PUSSY!"


Captain Eo called, he wants his dance moves back...we are here to saaaave the world!


Dunst does what she does best.


Secret photos from within the girls' locker room courtesy of Evolver.


Enjoy those arms!


Will Faith get angry and stab someone in the chest with a stake again?


It's like a drag show gone bad..."I am the queen of everybody!"




This Black African Princess wants you to bring it, don't sing it.

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