Battlefield Earth

There's nothing better in this world than a movie trailer that tries to be good, and fails miserably. Such is the case with “Battlefield Earth.” Clearly, the Church of Scientology* used all of its mass mind control research and vast funding from idiot celebrities and rubes looking for acceptance in an attempt to discover what makes a good trailer. Unfortunately, much like anything the good church gets its PR hands on, it backfires, mainly because they're research is out-of-date and they try too hard.

The preview starts out with some left over footage from the “quality” movie “Contact” -- a fly-by of the moon and Earth with some loud, echoing noises that sound like L. Ron Hubbard knocking on his crypt door so he can see what non-Scientology idiots would pay to see this movie**. Of course the pounding gets louder and faster, which probably symbolizes the headache you'll have should you decide to see this crap. Although the loud banging noise technique is utilized in trailers as much as “Carmina Burana,” I will give the trailer makers some credit because they decided to not accompany each “bang” with a bright flash of light. As we know, nothing is worse than sitting in a dark theater with your eyes adjusted only to experience several flashes of completely white screen. Although, if they did decide to add those flashes, we know they'd put in subliminal messages about body thetans and Xenu***.

Anyway, the trailer moves on by showing a nice mountain area***** where we're introduced to our wanna-be William Wallace hero, who's picking flowers with other slaves. He runs through a tunnel and ends up in some demolished city where he's confronted by a “Bailey” reject from “Celopatra 2525.” Sadly, the CGI implemented for the giant killing machine is worse than those used on “Cleopatra.” However, once again I give credit to the trailer makers who knew all the computer graphics in the movie sucked, so they used as little of it as possible, sticking to quick, dimly lit, or wide and less detailed shots of the CGI.

The true highlight of the trailer comes in the next part of the trailer, and that's John Travolta in alien garb laughing like L. Ron Hubbard did when people started to pay him to tell them about the “reactive mind” – “Hahahahaha!” So the trailer moves on to that totally clichéd “exploding flames” technique, most masterfully used in the “Mortal Kombat” trailers, to introduce John Travolta's name. Then we get more “Contact” fly-bys and some lame dialogue explaining why “man is an endangered species.” The loud whisping echo noises in the background make the dialogue kind of hard to understand, but we think man's endangered status has something to do with not buying enough copies of “Dianetics.”

There's even more crappy CGI graphics of “Hunter-Killer” machines stolen from the “Terminator” blowing up buildings, which are all night shots to further hide the crap computer graphics, or at least to hide the lies. The action is interrupted by a title card shot in “Godzilla” green that tells you the movie is based on one of the “best-selling science fiction novels of all time.” However, there is no title card after that telling you that members of the Church inflate sales numbers by constantly buying copies of Elron's books and returning them to the Scientology book distributors to be sold in stores again.

For another few seconds, you're forced to sit through more bad CGI, more lame “extermination” dialogue, and lame looking action and fight scenes which use “PPG” visual effects from “Babylon 5.” You're allowed a quick respite by being treated to Kelly Preston****** in alien garb doing her best Gene Simmons tongue trick, something you probably wouldn't see Princess Leia or Queen Amidala do.

Finally, our hero reveals his plan to save mankind from enslavement and extermination, which leads into clips of fighter planes ripped-off from “ID4.” Plus, you get the added bonus of the heroic choral music with the introduction of the hero's noble mission. Then again, maybe the music is there to distract you from the fact that the trailer manages to show John Travolta's name again. And with his name, come more shots of Travolta in his alien get-up, including those little black nostril clips we last saw in “Dune.” There's more quick clips of fighting, slow motion, the aliens doing bad things*******, fiery explosions, people looking at each other, and effects proving the trailer makers' ability to use Adobe After Effects.

With only seconds to go, the preview shows the “Battlefield Earth” title card which uses the requisite “exploding text” effect, as seen with the “Mission: Impossible” trailer, to transition to our hero giving his “Braveheart” speech about freedom, fighting back, this day being their independence day, and how the line must be drawn. Again, I give credit to the trailer makers for ending the preview with a laughing Travolta reprise. “Hahahahaha!”

In the end, the trailer uses all the bells and whistles it can to make “Battlefield Earth” look like an exciting action movie. However, due to the ineptitude of the trailer makers, all the fancy and hackneyed movie preview stunts fail to impress and leave the taste of bad clam in your mouth. In fact, the makers of this preview should sit down and watch the “Mission: Impossible 2” trailer to learn the proper way to use and assemble movie trailer clichés.

The bottom line is that this trailer inspires us to get up and off our recliners and rush out to the theater…to see a better movie, like “Gladiator.” Or at least protest all the Scientology shills who'll be out in force to see the movie and inflate its box office numbers. Our advice: rent the movie, because being able to see it with a group of friends reduces the take the Church of Scientology gets. Also, with these new extended rental programs the big video chains are giving you, you have ample time to find all the hidden “Join Scientology/The Church is good” messages, which is a fun game to play with the kids. Of course, if you think you, your friends, or your kids don't have the mental constitution to prevent being brainwashed, then I would avoid the film all together, or rent the movies the cinematic version of “Battlefield Earth” stole from.********

*Despite our anti-Scientology views and need to mock the “religion” and FREE personality test as offered on their bunk website, we will, as usual, remain totally objective in this review.
**That was totally objective, dude.
***That too, was totally objective, plus we did give the trailer makers, who were so totally Scientology shills****, credit.
****Again, objective.
*****Probably the same mountains where Xenu resides, trapped in his electronic fortress/prison.
******Also known as Mr. Travolta's and the Chruch's personal baby making factory.
*******Like hurting kids and kicking puppies.
********And we totally don't expect Travolta et al to blame the negative “lies” about Scientology on the film's eventual failure.

Review by drunks@homegame.org

Kelly Preston uses what she learned from her "Going Down" manual.

Left over "Starship Troopers" dropship CGI? Or original CGI crap?

Act now and for only $19.99, you too can buy your own Tom Cruise-Matthew McConaughey hybrid slave!

Did we mention that John Travolta is in this movie?

Left over Klingon make up and stolen Cowardly Lion outfits helped to keep the "Battlefield Earth" budget down.

It's like a damn "Star Trek" convention with a Klingon themed wedding, except the outfits and make-up aren't as good. jIqIp'egh!

Is that Eliza Dushku on the wing of that Arnold Schwarzenegger piloted Harrier jet?

"Hahahahaha!"