Because the trailer is the true test of a movie's quality!


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Ratings Explanation


Nurse Betty
Nurse Betty

Hollywood loves their hitmen. If one were so inclined to count the number of movies or television shows with hitmen in them, one would probably end up dead of old age before completing the task*. If there's anything that Hollywood loves more than movies about hitmen, it's movies about quirky hitmen. You can blame “Pulp Fiction” or “Fargo,” but it really doesn't matter, because the damage is done. Please don't ask me why the Industry likes to send the message that being a hired killer is a fun thing to do for a living and that killing others can be a light-hearted activity**, but they do, and who are you to judge them? Who made you Joseph Lieberman? That's what I thought.

“Nurse Betty” is yet another quirky hitman offering from the SoCal movie machine, but it throws you a bitch of a sinker – a pair of BLACK hitmen. Sure, Samuel L. Jackson was a black hitman in “Pulp Fiction,” but John Travolta wasn't. As if that weren't enough, Chris Rock plays your young hitman trainee****. That means you can expect lots of big grins and crooked fingers from Rock, and if he was able to play with the dialogue, lots of swearing and jokes about Puerto Ricans grabbing women's breasts. How can you possibly go wrong with that? You can't, especially when your master hitman to Rock's apprentice is played by Morgan “Easy Reader” Freeman. That pairing spells quality entertainment.

The trailer starts with Freeman explaining that a good hitman isn't flashy; he just gets the job done. And anyone who's done any killing knows you definitely don't want to leave your dead masterpiece around to provide clues in your capture. Take pictures of your handiwork if you must, just be sure you keep them hidden in a secure location*****. What's nice about this trailer is that it's a little movie in itself, explaining what the film is about. Normally, this sucks, but when you have an involved movie like “Nurse Betty,” it's a good thing.

You get the standard set-up of Freeman telling Rock that “this is probably my last hit,” because nothing ever goes right when you only have one more hit until retirement. Then there's the quick introduction to the characters, like a used car salesmen, who seems to enjoy fucking his secretaries and ends up gagged, most likely because he's going to get shot in the head by Morgan Freeman, the soap opera star, played by Greg Kinnear, and our lead, Betty. Betty, played by Rene Zellwegger****** is a small town waitress that doesn't find bloody and shit stained underwear in the diner's restroom, but is infatuated with Kinnear's “A Reason To Live” character. She probably even tapes the show to watch at a more convenient time if she knows she'll miss the program.

We find out that Betty is married to our car dealer and that she's decided to seek out her true love, Greg Kinnear, or at least the character he plays, which may or may not be Dr. Drake Ramoray. Decked out in a nurse's outfit, Betty goes on her journey of mentally deranged discovery. It's good that the trailer makers made this part of the plot line clear, because just like with ray-tards, people with mental disorders provide excellent comedy*******. For some reason, Rock and Freeman have to track down Betty, and I'm sure that reason has to do with killing her. There are some shots from the movie including an ambulance rear-ending a car and other quick clips that really don't make a lot of sense other than to show clips from the movie, which is probably due to laziness on the part of the preview people.

Betty eventually meets up with Kinnear at a fancy dinner and in her delusional state, tells Kinnear's friends that the two of them were engaged. From the remaining small snippets in the trailer, one can only come to the conclusion that Kinnear is taken by her psychosis and the two end up together, but not before Kinnear gets slapped********. We're treated to a fun little scene in which Chris Rock goes batshit insane when it's revealed that one of his favorite soap opera characters is a lesbian, and Chris Rock going batshit insane is always funny***********.

The trailer ends with a scene of Betty and Kinnear at a diner in which the waitress asks for Kinnear's signature, but he refuses stating his aversion to giving autographs only to find out it was needed to sign the check. Funny? Eh, not really. A wicked pisser? You betcha, especially since it's the ray-tarded line one of my friends uses when ever he needs to sign for a bill at a restaurant************.

In the end, I'm glad the preview people didn't stoop to low levels like the “Saving Grace” folks by bragging about Freeman's Oscar nominations or the movie's award winning status, courtesy of Cannes. However, I'm disappointed in the trailer as a whole since it really doesn't make the movie look very entertaining. I'll be honest, from what I've read and from the clips I've seen from interviews, the movie looks to be very enjoyable and actually pretty good, in the “pay to see” category even*************, but you really don't get that impression from the lack luster trailer. Since it's all about basing a movie's worth on the preview, I'd give this film a rental recommendation. Yes, rent it, and then say to yourself, “Damn, I should have seen this when it first came out…those trailer bastards should have made it look like a far better movie.”

*That person would also win an award which would most likely involve the words, "biggest," "ray-tard," "eternity," and "Ungvichian."
** Because if you did ask me, my ten hour long enthusiastic explanation would probably make you wretch and wonder why a psychopath like me isn't locked up***.
***It's called killing people and assuming their identities, but don't tell anyone.
****In that Will Smith in "Men In Black" sort of way it seems.
*****I recommend burying them in an airtight metal container in a friend's backyard, far from the home's foundation, probably next to the tulips.
******Whose face, ever since hooking up with Jim Carrey, looks to be in a perpetual state of puffiness and general disgust, but with a small pinch of that "I just smoked a joint I got from Jamie" look.
*******Especially if they're British people with mental disorders who like to shed a single tear for the cancellation of a TV show and check themselves into mental institutions because of the heartbreak and pain.
********Which is a good thing if it leads to a beating scene similar to the one he received in "As Good As It Gets."*********
*********A movie that contrary to its title is not as good as it gets, because there wasn't enough nudity on the part of Helen "Franken-forehead" Hunt**********.
**********Although, even if there were enough nudity, it still would be far from as good as it gets.
***********I refer you to "Dogma," "The Chris Rock Show," and his Billboard hit, "Can A Nigga Get A Table Dance."
************Once again, Balthayzr E. Kelley is a hard bastard.
*************I'd be inclined to say, "a pleasant surprise for the post-summer/pre-fall movie-goer" if I were a real movie reviewer, or just some kiss ass on the Ain't It Cool message boards, if not Harry "Fat Ass" Knowles himself.

Rent Betty

Review by




Don't open the fucking box!


Next to a cardboard cut-out, anyone's bound to look a little puffy.


Any movie in which Chris Rock takes a swing at Greg Kinnear has to be decent.


I told you no sex in the champagne room!


Crosetti wants to know why Jamie smoked all his locoweed.


Can a nigga get a table dance?!


So that's where all those nurses' outfits from 70s pornos went.


Bring out the...gimpy?


Chris Rock's OJ impersonation is never complete without a knife.


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