Urban Legends: Final Cut

With the ghoulish and scaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrryyyyy month of October rapidly approaching, it's once again time for Hollywood's wave of teen horror flicks. How sad that they must start-off with “Urban Legends: Final Cut.” And no, Calista, it's not about female genital circumcision so calm your bony ass and 12-year old boy body down*.

This “sequel” to the “smash hit” “film,” “Urban Legends,” decides to use a horror movie plot that we've never seen before** - it turns out that real killings based on urban legends*** start happening on the set of the “Urban Legends” movie. It's a shame the real thing didn't happen on the set, because then the movie wouldn't have been made, and the death of American icon, Joey Lawrence, wouldn't have been a loss thanks to the revived career of Rick”y” Schroder.

The trailer begins with a shot of the setting – a big, old, gothic styled university. It's a good move to start the preview with this, because it establishes the fact this is a teen/young adult centered movie. It also establishes that this is a fantasy movie, allowing people that pay to watch it to live vicariously through the main characters, because if you pay to see this, you're probably too stupid to have been accepted to any college, junior, technical, or otherwise. We get the snippets from the movie and our old friend Don La Fontaine asking us if we're familiar with urban legends****. We cut to a scene on a Valuejet flight where some guy is telling a girl about a creature on the wing of planes that's only visible to people who book flights with Priceline.com or enjoy “Third Rock From The Sun.”

So, there's a scene of a girl getting reemed in an airplane restroom by her boyfriend***** when the ominous message “you're going down” appears on the mirror. The plane starts to shake violently because George Kennedy isn't the pilot and our Mile High girl is forced to take control of the plane******. Ah, there's the twist, because we find out she's on a movie set and their making a student film called “Urban Legends”! Ho, ho, don't we all feel like rubes!

One of the characters explains that the movie is about a serial killer that kills with urban legends*******. What would have been better is if this movie was about people watching a movie about urban legends in which the characters are making a sequel to a movie about urban legends in which the killer kills using urban legends, but their sequel is plagued by murders due to a serial killer who kills using urban legends, and there's a real-life serial killer that uses urban legends to kill off the people who are watching the movie. The movie within a movie within another movie takes the movie within a movie genre up one level, and is something I offer to Hollywood******** for free. We're introduced to some of the wacky and totally not stereotypical characters, like the overweight black guy who has a smart-ass comeback for everything, the ditsy blonde girl who's a prima donna**********, the clumsy serial killer who avoids litigation with the “Scream” people by wearing a fencing mask, and the smarmy professor/producer who's most likely the killer. We get schooled on more urban legends, like everyone screaming at midnight while a co-ed is killed, and find out that someone is turning fiction into reality***********. Hey, I've got an urban legend! Ever hear about the movie about urban legends that was good and was really successful?

There's some hard guitar music, leftover from the “Heavy Metal Hits of the 80s” CD commercial, and short clips from the movie, mainly consisting of funny one-liners from the fat black kid and people getting killed. Oh, there's also a lot of reaction shots of female characters looking up with open mouths, which I'm guessing is used to illicit some sort of sexual reaction in guys to trick them into seeing the movie. There's interspersed dialogue about paranoia and fantasy blurring with reality, but at this point, who cares? If it's not yet clear to you that the movie sucks, then you probably deserve to see it.

For some reason, the trailer people saw it fit to flash a title card touting this movie was “From a producer of 'I Know What You Did Last Summer',” which was a mistake because that movie sucked ass too. The last thing you want to do is associate a crap movie with another crap movie. Plus, we're sure the “a producer” was made “a producer” because he had compromising photos of one of the real producers. Again, we get many more fast paced clips of people running down dark hallways with steam, people in dark cemeteries, and people in dark rooms, all of whom are getting killed, in the process of getting killed, or are watching people get killed.

After a grueling two minutes, we finally get the “Urban Legends: Final Cut” title card, but it's only a tease, because the trailer doesn't end. Nope, we get one more clip of an urban legend. This one is about a guy who picks up a dead hitchhiker. True, the associated clip of a guy getting hit by a car is mildly entertaining, but it's just not thick enough. We end with one of the female characters screaming really, really, really loud. That's another problem with this trailer – way too much loud screaming. Note to the trailer people: If there's anything I hate more than the bright flashes of white light in a dark theater, it's the reallllllly loud, high pitched, banshee screams. You need to learn the theaters crank their sound up enough so loud shrills on previews don't need to be further accentuated. I'd like to be able to hear the upcoming movie I actually paid to see, thankyouverymuch.

If you see this movie, I will kick you in the nutz************. Why? Because this movie is “Scream 3.” If you're too stupid to think it's not, then you deserve the steel-tipped boot to the crotch, not to mention the fact that the whole thing is OVER. It's done! The sporks stuck in the Wayans brothers' asses say it is. Please Hollywood, cool off on the teen horror movies for at least half a decade - make the public hunger for them. And please, movie going public, stop seeing these movies. Stick to the latest batch of horror movie DVDs, like the “Scream” trilogy or the new “Showgirls”/“Basic Instinct”/“Jade” three-pack. Suggestion to Industry moguls: Focus on Crack Whore-er movies, which can be the blaxploitaiton films of the future*************.

*Which isn't to say any home movie focused around male or female genital circumcision wouldn't be more entertaining than "Urban Legends: Final Cut."
** Unless you count "Scream 3," "A Nightmare on Elm Street 7: Freddie Goes To Hollywood," and several other horror films.
***Not to be confused with Urbana legends, which might or might not involve "Pokemon" jelly and Virginians sending Discworld packages.
****One can only hope Richard Gere has a cameo and dies when a dancing hamster climbs up his rectum.
*****Something only possible on international flights if you're in the first class lavatories, or if you're on a domestic flight and are midgets.
******Thank God the movie makers had the balls to not back down against airline lobbyists who've been trying to hide the fact that sex in airplane lavatories is the number one cause for plane crashes, and that their need to make safety films and guides family friendly has been preventing them from listing "sex in the bathroom" as a prohibited act, next to using electronic devices during take-off and landing.
*******You'll be hiding your eyes when he goes after a co-ed with a copy of his Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe that he bought for $250, not $2.50********.
********He just wants to share it to get his money's worth!
*********You know who you are, Mr. Balthayzr E. Kelley.
**********Not to be confused with Bonnie Hammer…she's choice…una bella donna.
***********Which wouldn't be like turning a fictional company into a real one so one could ask, "WHO'S THE CEO?!"
************If you send me your "Urban Legends" ticket stub, sign a special release, and provide adequate transportation money, I will be happy to fly out to your location and kick you square in the nutz.
*************I have a great treatment about a vigilante crack whore that has a great role for Chris Rock.

Review by drunks@homegame.org

Rated R, not for restricted, but ray-tarded.

Down, down, down, red knight's going down!

She's no Gene Simmons.

Whooooossssssss dead?!

Teehee, I'm smart and dowdy with my glasses on and my hair in a pony tail!

NOT Henry Winkler.

There's a reason why his other producer buds didn't join him on this picture.

Dark hallways? Are we sure this isn't an original Sci-Fi Channel movie?

Touche! Kat from "The Real World" is pissed.

All the serial killer wants is a little fellatio.