The Ladies Man

When will we as a nation learn to take care of Canada? When will we figure out that we should take a giant American made shoe and beat them down? Hopefully not when it's too late and we're all singing about maple leaves. It's my belief that Canada and its export Lorne Michaels* have brought more damage to this fine country we call the United States of America than any terrorist bomb could ever hope to do. Just because “Wayne's World” was a big success doesn't mean we should all be subjected to an endless amount of “Saturday Night Live” sketches turned feature films for eternity**. With the high volume of SNL movies being churned out this past decade, the increased posting of people like Jonah “13.5 Inches Of Man-Love” Falcon and Josh “I'm Desperately Looking For Friends Who Won't Mock My Failed 'Project'” Graham*** on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, and war in the Middle East, I truly believe the end of the world is near.

But at least the end of the world finds me being treated to FREE softcore porn. Thanks to the wonderful folks at AT&T cable who've seen fit to bless me with free HBO and Showtime for the past 2 months, I've been able to log some time with the oh-so-exciting adult series, “Kama Sutra.” I'm thinking the people who pieced together the trailer for “The Ladies Man” have logged some time with the show as well since the preview starts out like the opening credits to your standard Skinemax flick. You know what I'm talking about – that bassy “Pure Moods” music, the shots of women's silhouettes, and that fancy font. Add to the mix that deep, yet sensually soothing, La Fontaine voice reading the text on the screen and you're set for a TVM rating****.

Throwing you an easily hittable curve ball, right after mentioning his power to seduce, the trailer cuts to Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man, picking his fro. With that gag done, we're introduced to a clip from the movie of Leon hosting his radio talk show, with the requisite bottle of Courvoisier before him. I have to admit, The Ladies Man does make me chuckle, but mainly because of his effeminate lisp*****. If I'm to understand the trailer, it seems that Leon's show is him basically asking for dates from women who are neither “freaky or disgusting” and are under the age of 50******. And apparently his pleas of passion do work because we see Phelps in bed with a rather attractive woman whose boyfriend has come home early.

Will Ferrell shows up in the trailer, and I would guess in the movie, which might be a good thing, or might be a bad thing; I'm fairly neutral when it comes to him*******. Of course Tiffani Amber-Thiessen also shows up in the movie, and that's a good thing********. Our Ladies Man gives her some plastic flowers, which smell real, so obviously he's a class act, just like the movie. There are more sexually charged jokes in the clips provided by the trailer, like the introduction of Pina Colada butt lotion and Leon's “Let's Get Naked” dresser sticker, but none are really satisfying.

The next scene is of The Ladies Man in action in his natural environment – a bar asking a bride if her dad was a meat burglar because it looks like someone shoved two pieces of ham down the back of her dress. It's like really funny, or not. But hey, the trailer actually provides a semblance of a plot. It seems Leon is tired of being a “Ladies Man,” and of course we are subjected to his comedic search for the PERFECT MATE, whether it be through wanted posters or an announcement on the Jumbotron at Comiskey Park. As the trailer progresses, we learn that Ferrell is Thiessen's husband, and we're all on a collision course with wackiness as the boyfriends/husbands of the women Leon has slept with confront him. Of course they can't seem to bring themselves to hurting him when they all end up in awe upon seeing his penis*********.

The final clip in the preview is of Leon interviewing a nun for his show allowing for the obligatory “missionary position” jokes**********. The trailer ends by threatening the audience with the text, “This October in theaters everywhere.” Why the trailer makers would threaten the audience that way is beyond me, but hey, they're the professionals. Being such a “Ladies Man” myself, I'd have to say this doesn't really portray the Bohemian lifestyle very accurately, and that's why I have to caution against seeing this film in the theaters***********. Instead, I think this movie will do nicely as a rental************. Splitting the costs and “enjoying” this movie with other people is definitely a good idea, because I'm sure the movie has some decently enjoyable moments and jokes, just nothing worth spending 75 cents on**************, especially since it looks like it might be one of the better SNL movies***************.

*Not to take away from the adverse contributions of other Canadian "entertainers."
**Although I know we could all do with a "Weekend Update" and "Opening Monologue" movie.
***And yes, I do mean "real friends," not junkyard MST3K bots.
****Of course it's no lone hero on a battlefield, but few things are…well, only one thing is actually.
*****Which reminds me of a guy we made fun of in high school, so really, I'm not laughing at The Ladies Man, but the memory of that guy we made fun of in high school.
******Hey, why 50? If you ask me, the lovin' is still good well into the early 60s.
*******But if he makes a cheerleader movie or a sequel to "A Night At The Roxbury," I will have to hate him and kill him…many times.
********Sure, she kind of developed the moon pie face after "Saved By The Bell," but that doesn't mean she's not do-able. She's plenty do-able and more Donkey Punchable than ever.
*********I'm betting it's not so much the length or girth, but the fact that it's sharp and barbed.
**********Everyone knows nun/missionary jokes are sooo 1980s. Jokes about masturbating popes and giving the Virgin Mary a rim job or Dirty Sanchez are what's in these days.
***********While I have nothing against Tim Meadows, in fact part of me admires his stupi…loyalty to SNL, having served more time on the program than he deserved, I think he should have done better research for his character.
************Provided your video store doesn't keep track of the movies you've rented for future blackmail use************* and all the copies of "Office Space" have been rented.
*************If they do keep track of the movies, I suggest getting a stupid friend to rent it.
**************For all you non-math people, that means you need to split the cost with at least four other friends if your video store charges the national rental fee average.
***************And being one of the better SNL movies is definitely akin to being the smartest kid in a remedial special-ed class.

Review by drunks@homegame.org

How about some 50-50 Courvoisier and Stout?

I'm not dead yet! Just badly burned and in a bad movie.

Fight the power! Especially fight bad SNL movies.

Thiessen on top? At least she's not a large woman otherwise she might crush Leon.

Oh dear Xenu! Look at how sharp and barbed that thing is!

There's just something so erotic about a geriatric in a habit. MOTHER!

Ever do it clown style?

Ah, reason #4,519 to bomb the state of Illinois.

My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon! Now use that butt lotion!