Because the trailer is the true test of a movie's quality!


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Ratings Explanation

Charlie's Angels

What can you say about the fad of TV shows turned movies? There's a plethora of adjectives one could use, most of which are synonyms for “crap.” After checking out the trailer for “Charlie's Angels,” I have to say that I hope to God that we stop the trend before “Friends” or “JAG” end up being ported to the big screen with totally different actors in twenty years1. With that said, I'll honestly say that the people who made the “Charlie's Angels” trailer knew what they were doing. They made sure to include everything in the trailer that 82.67% of most males want and 67.41% of what most women with empowerment issues desire.

Obviously the people who made the movie are aware of the crap trend of TV shows turned movies, because the trailer starts out with a big black man complaining about the choice of the movie on his flight – “TJ Hooker: The Movie.2” However, the people involved in this movie shouldn't think they're off the hook because they recognize the TV-movie trend. In fact they should be chastised for recognizing it and still going ahead with this movie. In the end, the whole scene doesn't matter because it's all a set up for something stolen from “Mission: Impossible 2.” Using some special effects worse than those in “Eraser,” our big black man grabs the man sitting next to him, jumps out of the airliner, flies by the plane's tail wing, and falls past a helicopter. The elaborate parachuting scene ends when our big black man, passenger, and a parachuting Lucy Liu land on a speedboat piloted by a bikini clad Cameron Diaz3. In another “M:I-2” moment, our big black man peels off his mask4 to reveal Drew Barrymore.

This all leads to quick clips of shit exploding and the Angels doing lots of kung-fu and breaking stuff, because that's the kind of stuff idiot men like. In particular you have the Asian Lucy Liu5 doing complex martial arts stunts, mainly because she's Asian6. Then there are more clips of scantily clad Angels doing flips and other acrobatics in the open and in a Danger Room, and then a quick shot of Barrymore licking a steering wheel. The quick cuts really move the trailer along like an annoyingly bad Britney Spears music video7, which deducts from the preview's final score. And in case you need more sex, the trailer people decided to stick in a scene of Diaz telling a UPS man that she's "signed a release so he can stick packages in her slot any time.” Hey, you think your slot is loose enough for me to slip in a million other huge sexual innuendos? It would have been best if they left this clip out of the preview, because it's apparent these are the types of jokes that will fill the film. It's one thing to have Bond using them on occasion, it's another to have three ditzes constantly relying on them between moments of inane action sequences.

The next clip introduces the Angels' movie mission as well as their Bosley, played by Bill Murray, who serves as the comic relief9. It also introduces Charlie via the familiar white speakerphone10 and the movie's villain, played by Tim Curry11. Apparently, Curry's Corwin character is looking to steal software that can track any voice signal anywhere in the world using a complex set of satellites12 which could end privacy. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking weak-ass plot point since it's just stupid, and because everyone knows the NSA's Project Echelon does that already. But hey, the movie people are hoping you won't notice the horrible plot since you'll be distracted by the hot chicks doing kung-fu, shaking their asses, and causing big things to go boom.

Supporting the fact that any plot will do so long as it gives the movie makers a reason to show off nearly nekkid women is the next clip which has our Angels swimming onto the shore of Dr. Evil's secret island and peeling off their wetsuits. To give the males in the audience a break, the trailer cuts to some “comedy” as Bill Murray dons a plastic sumo wrestler outfit and takes on Tim Curry, also decked out in a sumo outfit. Of course the respite is short as we return to more shots of the Angel's in tank tops and tight pants, because gratuitous shots of women's asses will put asses in the theater's seats13. Also, just so you know each of these women are a “guy's gal,” they insert clips of car racing. We quickly move on to Bill Murray driving a piece of crap Scout while the Angels dangle from a rope attached to a helicopter, to further emphasize the action portion of the movie.

Obviously fearful that the audience has forgotten about the hot chicks in the movie, more quick clips of the Angels wearing very little are shown, blended with clips of them kicking butt and being tough. Like a Ginsu knife commercial, the trailer tells you to not buy tickets in advance yet, but to wait, because there's more! Aside from almost naked women, stuff blowing up, sexual jokes, kung-fu, and race cars, you get high speed car chases and crashes, the Angels trying to maintain relationships with their boyfriends who don't know about their secret lives, Tom Green14, and Nokia-Fu15! You also get more close-up shots of Diaz gyrating her ass in her underwear and tight shirt…and even more shots of big explosions and the Angels doing high-flying kicks. The film is replete with John Woo-ish stunts16, but I get the feeling they'll disappoint because of the blatant lack of doves.

Overall, the trailer does a good job highlighting the real stars of the movie, which it seems isn't the acting as there really are no shots of acting, but rather the action scenes and explosions. Sadly, action scenes poorly ripped from Hong Kong movies don't make a good movie which is why I say if you're a guy or are a big fan of the original series, this movie is watchable in the theater provided you go in a group, particularly if you decide to make it part of a busy evening17. Otherwise, I recommend you save the money and rent the movie for private viewing and mocking with some friends18. Of course, I totally understand if you're one of the thousands of people who decide to see this movie this weekend to make it number one, knocking the far more entertaining “Meet the Parents” out of the top spot, because I'm sure "Angels" won't have a "twist" with a double agent/inside woman19. Just remember, by making this money numero uno only gives Hollywood executives more ammo when it comes to making crap movies like “The Mod Squad” and “Lost In Space” or justifying the making of a "Charlie's Angels" sequel. So, before seeing this movie, do that which Industry executives fail to do, and that's think about your actions.

1. Hell, it better stop before "Hart to Hart" or "Starsky and Hutch" make it to the big screen.
2. "Another movie based on an old TV show" he disappointingly says, which everyone in the theater watching this preview would be thinking if they weren't stuck in the 20 minute food line waiting to buy overpriced popcorn and soda for their girlfriends/wives.
3. Which I have discovered is a good thing, despite her moon pie face and Joker like mouth, because I am just a man…flesh and bone.
5. Who isn't a FOB as far as I know.
6. Remember kids, all Asian have strong kung-fu, make tasty noodles with MSG, and are bad drivers.
7. Which isn't too surprising because the movie is probably cut like an annoyingly bad music video having been directed by music video director, McG8.
8. That's actually his real name and not a new food offering from McDonald's, the shorthand for McGuffin, nor McGruff the Crime Dog's street-gangsta rap name.
9. A task which shouldn't be too difficult if they let him ad-lib.
10. Sadly, the best performance in this movie will probably be by John Forsythe appearing as Charlie's voice.
11. Please make your own Fish Crotch jokes.
12. Satellites which were probably programmed by Alicia Silverstone.
13. bBONYd
14. If you want to be in ANY movie, you probably want to screw Drew, because she seems to take care of people she fucks, clearly evidenced by the appearances of her ex, Luke Wilson, and fiancé, Tom Green, in the movie.
15. Which appears to be in the form of the Communicator 9000i, a large GSM phone, but highly functional, the 9000 being the first phone to come with Internet, fax, and PIM functions many years ago.
16. Or "The Matrix" styled fight scenes to those just getting introduced to the whole Hong Kong action movie style.
17. You know, toss in a nice casual dinner before and maybe some dancing, drinking, and pool shooting after.
18. And by friends I neither mean a bong, a jar of Vaseline, or a tub of Crisco.
19. Not that trailer makers would ever give away important plot twists in a trailer or anything.

Just call me Angel, and return the video in the morning, baby.

Review by




"TJ Hooker: The Movie," now with 50% more Shatner singing!


Not Richard Petty, but an incredible Murray simulation.


And that's all you get to see in this PG-13 flick.


Durhey, I can tie knots!


So that's why the building code is under fire all the time.


Did we mention the movie has big explosions?


Call Sir Mix-A-Lot to back that ass up.


Peter Dragon wants you to know that with asses like these, who needs a plot or good acting and dialogue?


Did we mention there are asses in this movie?


Uh-oh, Lucy is playing with her hair. She must be bored. Quick, someone talk about melting ice!


Nature abhors a vacuum, which is why it's so hard to breathe when these gals enter the room.


White girls can jump...with the help of lots of wires.


Trinity called, she wants her kung-fu back.


Did we mention this movie has kung-fu?


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