August 09, 2000
This month, we return to providing you original content of the fun and gaming type. Hopefully, you all recovered from playing several thousand rounds of INTERNET SMACKDOWN. Anyhoo, after the Hateway convention, Albert decided to take time off from finding the Grand Unified Theory and devote that time to finding the precise measurements required to create the perfect mixed drink as well as learning Macromedia's Flash. After dealing with Alphas, Tweening, Onion Skins, shitty Texture Fills, Mouse Events, Actionscripts, Instances, Color Effects, and a bunch of other crap, Albert gave up, once again leaving it up to Stephen to learn the vector graphic animation program. This month, thanks to the quick loading and highly interactive Flash program, we bring you an exciting game inspired by patented HomeGame shoe beatings and the appearance of IL DUCA at Hateway. That's right, this month you get to beat DUCA with a shoe – a nice high heel. Now let's get something straight, we don't really HATE the man called DUCA, we just see him as an endless source of entertainment and comedy…okay, maybe we dislike him a bit for just being DUCA. We'd also like to announce that this might be the last Fun and Games article because Stephen has decided his new Flash knowledge is worth a pay raise (supposedly to buy a new Professor X endorsed wheelchair and updated Speak and Spell), which we'll probably end up paying because our new AWARD WINNING status has opened up new financial sources. Besides, we'll just chain Stephen to a bed and force him to write these articles if we have to, especially since this new Flash power makes us one step closer to fulfilling dreams of DUCA NUKEM 3-D.
INSTRUCTIONS: First, you need to have the Flash 4 plug-in installed in your browser. If you don't have it, you can probably find it on Macromedia's page. Next, go and play the Flash game, which includes directions. Basically, you get a nice heel, that you guide around with your mouse, with which to beat DUCA, by pressing the mouse button, a la Whack-A-Mole. It's delicious fun if we do say so ourselves, and we do say so. Hell, Stephen spent 5 hours yesterday whacking DUCA for leering at his wife's breasts. If DUCA doesn't do it for you, feel free to imagine the head of the person you love to hate in DUCA's place.
ESTIMATED TIME FOR COMPLETION: Variable time for the 30kb Flash file to load, 10 seconds to read the instructions, and 30 seconds to play. Of course you can keep playing over and over and over again until you get your fill of giving DUCA a shoe beating.
NOTE: We, HGNews, HGI, or any other affiliated party is not responsible for any mental, emotional, or physical harm caused due to your participation in this exercise. We also are not responsible for harm caused to your social life or negative employment/productivity consequences because you do not have the will power to pull yourself away from this activity.