We hope to bring you a new mind bendingly difficult puzzle of the mind that will bend your mind each month, because that's how long it will probably take you to solve each puzzle, or at least fully recover from the unbending of your bent mind. The two of us have put several man hours into creating these mind bending puzzles in an effort to stymie the current decline of intelligence in today's global society, as evidenced by the popularity of shows like, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire." In a truly enlightened and intellectual society, such programs would not exist and would be looked down upon as if they were primitive gladiator-like spectator sports. In such a perfect world, programs, which would be shown on something much grander and technologically advanced than a simple 2-D television (because it would be a world where giant robots with lasers and Darwinian selection protocols would eradicate those intellectually weak persons showing an IQ of less than 160, ensuring the creation of technologically advanced technologies to do technological things), would reward the intellectual. "Who Wants To Scalp Massage A Mensa Member" would consistently rate in the top 10 programs on the Much-Grander-and-Technologically-Advanced-Than-A-Simple-2-D-Television thing. The same would probably be true for shows on the Playgenius channel where people would read books on advanced particle physics or passages from James Joyce's "The Dubliners" to facilitate the mental masturbation of geniuses across the globe! Anyway, these are tales for another time. Please enjoy this month's edition of Fun and Games!
April 09, 2000
Due to demand and overheated brains from last month's psychologically disturbing maze, we've decided to let you rest your delicate minds this month. That's right, you mental midgets get not a game, but a fun arts and crafts project. Yep, hopefully this little project that wouldn't even challenge a zygote won't turn your brains into mush, and it'll really pay off for you Dilbertian cubicle heads and computer programmers that feel the need to decorate and add a little spice to your little 5x5 work spaces. Yep, using several supercomputers we've created what we like to call, "The Cosmic HGI Cube." Okay, it's not really a cube, it's more a rectangular prism, but "The Cosmic HGI Rectangular Parallelopiped" sounds pretty damn lame, which isn't to say you can't describe it as such should inquiring co-workers or friends ask, because it'll make you sound as smart as us. Again, just as with last month's mindbending maze, Albert thinks constructing "The Cosmic HGI Cube" will unlock the door to Hell itself. "Oh, Oppenheimer regreted helping with the A-bomb...this cube might be a bad idea...opening a doorway to Hell...blah, blah, blah," he'd mumble at meetings. He's such a worried little boy, but we all love him for it. Anyway, enjoy your construction project.
INSTRUCTIONS: First, you need to get a color printer. True, you don't NEED one, but "The Cosmic HGI Cube" will look a lot better in Technicolor, although you could print it in black and white, get yourself some colored markers, and Turnify it. Hand coloring the cube would be a real craft project, and you more adventurous and artsy folks are welcome to try. Once you get your color printer, print out the cube on some nice, white paper. It doesn't have to be heavy cardstock paper, but it might look more PRO-fessional if you use some. Once printed, get a nice pair of sharp scissors and cut out the cube. You might want to get your parents to do this for you. For those of you who think you're more advanced, you can use a blade and ruler to cut out the cube and ensure straight lines. Once cut out, you fold and assemble the cube by tucking and securing the appropriate flaps where they belong . If you can't figure out what goes where, then you're an idiot and we never want to see you coming back to this HGNews section ever again. We recommend that you use some white glue or tape to keep the cube together, although you can use airplane glue if you want to get high and see your psychadelic cube dance. When you're done, display your cube proudly. If you really want to get fancy, feel free to save the cube image to your hard drive and open it in any graphic editor so you can resize it (make sure you maintain the proportions) and make yourself an even bigger cube, like one you could wear over your head as a mask.
ESTIMATED TIME FOR COMPLETION: 20 2nd grade minutes to complete, 55 minutes getting your fingers unstuck because of super glue.
NOTE: We, HGNews, HGI, or any other affiliated party is not responsible for any mental, emotional, or physical harm caused due to your participation in this exercise. We also are not responsible for harm caused to your social life or negative employment/productivity consequences because you do not have the will power to pull yourself away from this activity.
