June 09, 2000
We live in a world run by cash and monolithic financial institutions, where what you're worth is more important than the wealth of your soul and character. Hell, that's the reason why Stephen wrote his books - to trick out his wheelchair and add those all important chrome rims that make you the talk of the handicap community, not to make himself feel better by educating all you simple minded clods about the physics of the universe. Not to mention the second edition of the book got him a kickin' sound system for his voice synthesizer, with the Darth Vader option. We thought long and hard at what really represents today's world market, and we both concluded it had to be that internet bazaar, E-bay. Where else can you pick up a spare kidney, a baby, a Russian nuclear submarine, a 13.5" double sided black dildo, and a plush Hello Kitty all for a price you name? Quite simply, E-bay is the white trash flea market of the new millennium and, according to the Grand Unified Theory that we're working on, will be the ultimate method by which all commerce will be conducted and disputes settled in the future. To salute E-bay, we've created a fun little party activity/game that you can play when bored with your friends and have tired of watching Jennifer Conneley's nude scene in "The Hot Spot." We promise it'll be more fun than Twister, Truth or Dare, or Spin the Bottle.
INSTRUCTIONS: Simply go to E-bay and seek out an auction, any auction. Now look at the list of bidders (or even use the seller) and click on the number in parentheses next to their user names. This should take you to their user comment list. The user comment list allows other E-bay users to leave both positive and negative feedback comments about a specific user. Most of the comments will deal with a transaction and are often terse one-line descriptions. This is where the game's magic lies. The vagueness offered by most comments lets you pretend that what was sold was "sex." That's right! Just pretend that the two E-bay users were involved in buying/selling sex! That innocuous comment that reads, "Transaction went quickly and smoothly, the way I like it," now sound naughty and will make you giggle like a schoolgirl. The comment, "Product was of high quality and cost me so little," now reminds you of the prom date who slept with you after you two feasted on free food samples at Price Club for dinner. For those of you E-bay frequenters, you can even use the user search to play with yourself (Stephen kindly requests photos of this activity). Or you can play by searching the user names of close friends and relatives, which will provide for even more entertainment, because you're guaranteed at least one in-joke from the comments. Another part of this game's magic is the versatility. The use of "sex" was chosen by Albert because he just got some from Madame Curie last night, but you can easily vary the item that was sold. You could easily say the item sold was child pornography, drugs/drug paraphernalia, US nuclear secrets, whores, information on HomeGame members, souls, the office of the President, anything you want! That's where the promise of limitless fun comes from, because it's all about your imagination. We're empowering you!
ESTIMATED TIME FOR COMPLETION: As long as you want, but our studies indicate that enjoyment time varies inversely with the IQ of the participants.
NOTE: We, HGNews, HGI, or any other affiliated party is not responsible for any mental, emotional, or physical harm caused due to your participation in this exercise. We also are not responsible for harm caused to your social life or negative employment/productivity consequences because you do not have the will power to pull yourself away from this activity.