McVeigh Clones Ensure Closure
After declaring that "the victims of the Oklahoma City bombing have been given not vengeance, but justice," President George W. Bush ordered today that nearly 300 clones of Timothy McVeigh be produced by the nation's scientists "so that we can move toward closure through vengeance."
McVeigh, as everyone knows, was convicted of murdering innocent white American children with bombs in order to further his militant and vague political agenda. He was sentenced to death and executed Monday morning.
Legal Note: Federal sentencing guidelines indicate that the penalty for murdering innocent foreign brown children with bombs in order to further one's militant and vague political agenda is, traditionally, re-election.
Unfortunately, McVeigh can only be executed once, by lethal injection, and that is simply not enough to satisfy the victims' families, the U.S. government, the media, or the general public, many of whom have called out for McVeigh to be slowly tortured in a wide variety of inventive and disgusting ways, followed by his eventual death and continuation of similar, worse, and theologically improbable tortures in whatever afterlife he may find himself in.
"Clearly, as I listen to the American people, there is a bloodlust that needs to be sated if we're ever going to move forward. In addition, we need to send a vital message to every other radical anti-American nutcase with access to large quantities of explosives and a martyr complex that this country will only stand for that kind of domestic terrorism for several years of rabid publicity, and then we will take decisive action," the president explained.
To sate that bloodlust, once the clones are completed, each family of a victim that requests one will receive a clone to do with as they wish. The remaining clones will be distributed around the country to various wacky morning radio "zoo crews", who will continue their sensitive and insightful political commentary from the day of the execution by holding a series of hilarious contests during which average Americans will be able to take their revenge on a genetic facsimile of the man they seem to love to hate so much.
"Unfortunately, due to our Founding Fathers, we're supposed to pretend to be above common barbarism and petty revenge. But thanks to the miracle of modern science, cloning, we can maintain the facade of a dignified death for the probably guilty, while at the same time providing the kind of emotional release that I imagine psychiatrists would approve of," our president continued before leaving for Europe.
