STALKER - Suitable applicant must possess the brain power to *not* contact the stalkee, offering to help find the "stalker." Must be able to find bedroom windows in a typical house within 2 tries. Ability to use Internic to find personal information a must. Applicants should be prepared to show at least 3 web-pages totally devoted to people they have stalked, one CEASE AND DESIST letter, and one restraining order. For details contact: Chase Masterson, 12400 Ventura Blvd. #200, Studio City, CA 91601

Wanted: Sci-Fi Convention Planner. Applicant must have access to list of has-been actors who are so desperate for fame that they will show up and let a large crowd of nancy-boys fawn over them. Must have experience in planning and executing Star-Trek-Themed weddings and Costume Contests where 90% of the people show up in Spock or Darth Maul outfits. Large bootleg tape library and high tolerance to alcohol a plus. Send resume to

WANTED: A woman who really really has a 17-inch vaginal cavity. If you think you can accept my stiff proposition, send photos and ultrasounds to

You Can Be a Newsgroup Troll! Just take this quick FREE test to see if you qualify for our Exclusive Newsgroup Troll School!
Question 1: Which is the correct spelling? 1) U Suck! 2) Yu Suk! 3) You SUX! 4) All of the above.
Question 2: Someone in the newsgroup has made a post, encouraging people to ignore you. How do you respond? 1) You SUX! 2) Shut up! I can say whay I want! 3) I hear your a pedophile! 4) All of the above.
Question 3: When is it correct to make disparaging remarks about a posters sexuality? 1) When they disagree with you? 2) If you "discover" they actually are different in sexual orientation? 3) Pick out random posters and say "U R gay"? 4) All of the above.
Post your answers to alt.trolls.rule. Applicants will have made at least 5000 postings to applicable fan newsgroups and have written at least 5 "fanfics."

Wanted: Late night talk show comedy writer - Must be able to write non-offensive jokes about current events for target audience of 60 year old insomniacs. Writing should put audience to sleep in under 30 seconds. Ability to write horrible skits a huge plus. Preference given to those who aren't funny. Send resumes to

FOR SALE: 412 Florida state ballots. NEW! All chads are intact. These are mint condition and will come with 412 punch keys. Price is negotiable and starts at $500,000 OBO. Call 1-877-365-3636 to make offer.
  Wanted: Bile Wrangler. Must be skilled in making even the most innocent remark appear to be a vicious personal attack. Hive mentality with other Bile-Wranglers a huge benefit. Please post resume to newsgroup.

Programming Director - Established TV network seeking employee skilled at moving around popular shows until the audience completely loses track of them. Must be able to create press releases claiming show cancellations on "bad ratings". Must be skilled in culling households that videotape programs from the "true" rating results. Pretending to be on the fan's side, while handing out pink slips, a must. Must also display skills in trying to find popular shows' writers and stars other projects to be in. Contact for details.

OPENING: Intelligent Victim - Must be skilled in understanding, at some point, that a practical joke was played on him, and that his tormentors are not actually Scientologists, Vin Diesel, someone interested in Online Romance, etc. Being a good sport not necessary. Must be able to conjugate the word "fuck" into at least 20 different forms, and use it semi-coherently in responces. Ability to randomly capitalize letters in words when trying to create insults a desirable skill.

Now hiring: Jr. DHTML programmers needed at Fortune 500 company. Must be willing to create annoying animated cursors and moving pictures to crash browsers and make text difficult to read. Applicant should have 10 years experience in javascript coding and be willing to have his crappy coding skills blamed when web-based company collapses in 6 months. Must have own unlisted cell phone number. Hackers preferred. Angelina Jolie need not apply. Contact

Needed: One male for experiment to lounge around house for most of the day, fondle a guitar, and play with himself while looking at photos of Mira Sorvino. Ability to use netcam to take photos of his ass a plus. Call 1-877-365-3636 for details.

Gossip Columnist: Popular website seeks people to contribute gossip (fake or real) to its gossip board. Applicants should be willing to post anonymously and insult website administrators. Self-absorbed and hypocritical virgins with a need to be accepted a plus. Preference given to those with established network of gossip providers and reporters who fawn over them in hopes of ingratiating themselves into a dying newsgroup. Send resume to
  Rugrats MSTings - pay five dollah to any mstings send to

FOR SALE - Slightly used Playstation 2 with Ridge Racer V game. Controllers stained with unusual odor that can probably be removed with bleach. AS IS. $300 or best offer. e-mail to

WANTED: Male needed to run superpower country. Must be willing to intimidate other world leaders with large missiles and military. Must have people skills and be willing to abuse power to get ass whenever he pleases. Should be comfortable at lying to people's faces. Preference given to those with drug or alcohol problem. Inability to truly care what people want desired. Send slanderous political ads to

Newsgroup FAQ Maintainer: Must never resist urge to allow personal feelings to interfere with answers. Must be skilled at making up "Questions" to be "Answered." Must Post FAQ once a week, even though FAQ can be easily obtained on numerous web sites. Please apply to, or

Wanted: Systems Operator for popular IRC server. Must be willing to work odd and random off-peak shifts. Important that applicant NOT be available during peak usage hours. Lack of computer knowledge a plus. Fax cover letter and resume to 212-603-4500

POSITION OPEN: Waitress wanted for fast paced restaurant environment. Must be willing to have breasts pinched and clean up bloody underwear in bathrooms. Must be skilled in the following areas: 2-Facedness, endless complaining, websurfing, sexual teasing (both sexes). Preference shown to those willing to post job complaints to newsgroups. Send resumes to

Dealer of "Pharmaceuticals": Washington D.C./Virginia area company seeking applicant that is discreet. Curosory knowledge of HTML, ability to use Courier fonts, and lack of Flash knowledge considered a plus. Must be able to recite the names of all Supreme Court Judges in 2 minutes or less and be current on all political news and conspiracies. Willingness to send packages to people and be able to fail in blaming it on others is desired. Optional skill includes having unrequited love for a married woman. E-mail resumes to

IRC Whipping Boy: Must be willing to be booted from IRC channels upon the whim of the channel operators. Must be willing to take loads of abuse and answer in indecipherable sentences. Preferable if English is applicant's second language. Should enjoy Fraiser and Stanley Kubrick movies. Apply in person at #mst-homegame

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