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Top Tens of the Pseudomillennium

Serial Killers
Mass Murders
Killer Cults
Most Infamous Killers
Most Painless Ways to Die
EJ's Top 10 Favorite Nazis
Letters of the Alphabet
Broken Commandments
Body Parts
Birth Control Methods


With only a few days left until DOOMSDAY, you better make sure your apocalypse bunkers are ready to go. As a service, we at HGNews offer you a small list of the most important things to bring into your personal hole in the ground. Hopefully, you remembered to stock these items, but if not, just remember who to thank when some HGNews staffer is banging on your bunker hatch or begs you for some food after the roaches inherit the Earth.

  • Food and water: Think about it, won't you?
  • Several changes of clothing: We especially recommend lots of underwear and maybe a nice suit or tux for your bunker's New Year's or post-apocalypse party.
  • A gas generator with lots of gas and ventilation: It'll provide you with lots of power for your bunker theater system and lights. And for you laaaaadies, you can rig it up to run any sex toys you may want to use.
  • Toilet paper: DO NOT forget the toilet paper because it'll suck if you need to use your hand or a t-shirt.
  • Big guns and lots of ammo: It's purely for protection since there's no way you want to eat those contaminated animals. Don't let any mutants take away your right to live in a bunker with MREs or to drink your purified urine. Shoot to kill, and shoot often.
  • Lots of porn: When the apocalypse comes, you're gonna want a variety of material to get your jerk on to. Do you really only want a few mags, videos, or nude JPGs if you need to be in a hole for a few years? Also, when it's okay to climb out of the bunker, you can make lots of "money" by selling or bartering your vast collection to the three eyed mutants.
  • Several blow me-suck me-fuck me dolls, preferably with reinforced orifices. Remember, you paid for all the openings, so you should use them.
  • Lots of Vaseline: See above.
  • Duct tape: It fixes everything from punctures in blow me-suck me-fuck me dolls, to a busted gas generator hose.
  • Glasses or contact lens supplies: If you wear them, be sure you bring extras or stuff that you need to care for them, because you don't want to end up in a "Twilight Zone" episode.
  • Surprise, surprise, everyone seems to be making these damn LISTS of the top 10/25/50/100/etc. things of the supposed new millennium. We at HGNews blame the American Film Institute and Oskar Schindler, both of whom made lists because they needed some fast publicity and wanted to start a little controversy. Well, being the controversial whore-mongers we are, we decided to toss together some controversial top ten lists for the pseudo-millennium. We hope you enjoy reading them naked in the privacy of your own home as you will debating them around the copy machine at work as you wait to copy your ass.

    Top 10 Serial Killers of the Pseudo-Millennium

    Komaroff 10. Vasili Komaroff (33) A horse-trader during the early days of Stalin, Vasili was known as "The Wolf of Moscow" for his unbridled reign of terror. A peasant, Vasili typically killed for money. His first victim was uncovered in 1921. Many others followed with frightful regularity. There were 21 in all: strangled, bound, doubled-over and dumped in vacant lots around the Shabolovki District. Authorities linked the killings to the horse-trading market in Moscow that happened every Wednesdays and Fridays. As authorities soon discovered, anyone who left with Vasili to see his horses was never seen or heard of again. When police went to his home to question him they found his latest victim stuffed in a sack in the stable. Panicked, "the Wolf" jumped out the window and escaped.

    09. Bruno Ludke (80) A German laundry delivery man, Bruno offed at least 80 women between 1928 and 1943. When Nazi officials finally caught up with his lethal hobby, they shipped him off to a research hospital in Vienna where he was used as a human guinea pig by Nazi doctors. When they were done with their experiments, Bruno was executed by lethal injection.

    08. Delfina & Maria de Jesus Gonzales (91+) These two deadly sisters ran the bordello from hell in Guanajuato, Mexico. They recruited their prostitutes through help wanted ads and killed them when they stopped pleasing the clientele. Sometimes they even killed the johns who showed up to the brothel with big wads of cash. After too many unexplained disappearances, the cops raided the premises where they found the bodies of eleven males, eighty females, and several fetuses.

    07. Hu Wanlin (100+) - On January 18, 1999, the Chinese state-run Xinhua News Agency reported a self-styled "doctor" who practiced the traditional medical art of qigong -- a deep-breathing technique dating back 5,000 years -- was arrested for killing between 100 to 190 patients. Hu Wanlin, 50, from Shangqiu in central Henan province, had been practicing qigong in the area since June 1998. He previously served two prison terms for operating illegal medical clinics in various parts of China. Qigong masters are said to have the ability to concentrate "qi" or energy in certain parts of their bodies and to use it to help diagnose and cure a wide range of ailments. Authorities allege Hu's home-brewed Chinese herbal medicines included lethal amounts of sodium sulphate. Hu came to prominence in 1997 with his claims of a 90 percent cure rate in treatment of cancer, hepatitis and high blood pressure. He was even the subject of a book, "Qigong Master," which supported his claim to possess mystical healing powers. When released in 1997 after spending 14 years in prison on murder charges, Hu set up the Hu Wanling Hospital in Taiyuan, Shaanxi province, where authorities allege his treatment caused the death of 20 patients. In November 1997, Hu established the Zhongnanshan Hospital, also in Shaanxi, where 146 people died under his treatment, the report said. After police closed the hospital, Hu fled to Shangqiu, where the local health bureau formally invited him to set up the Weida Hospital. Thirty patients died there under his care.

    06. Gilles de Rais (140+) A Fifteenth Century French war hero, Gilles was also one of medieval Europe's worst killers. An ally of Joan of Arc during the Hundred Year War, de Rais was instrumental in driving the English out of France. In his later years, after he was named Marshal of France by King Charles VII, he settled in his estates in Brittany, where he turned his heroic impulses towards torture and murder. He enjoyed killing mostly young boys, whom he would sodomize before and after decapitation. When he wasn't feeling up to the task he enjoyed watching his servants butcher the boys and masturbated over their entrails.

    05. H.H. Holmes (200+) Born Herman Webster Mudgett, Dr. Holmes started his criminal career as a medical student by stealing corpses from the University of Michigan. He used the corpses to collect insurance money from policies taken out under fictitious names. When he moved to Chicago he started a drugstore empire from which he made a fortune. He built a hundred-room mansion complete with gas chambers, trap doors, acid vats, lime pits, fake walls and secret entrances. During the 1893 World's Fair he rented rooms to visitors. He then killed most of his lodgers and continued his insurance fraud scheme. He also lured women to his "torture castle" with the promise of marriage. Instead, he would force them to sign over their savings, then throw them down an elevator shaft and gas them to death. In the basement of the castle he dismembered and skinned his prey and experimented with their corpses.

    lucas.jpg 04. Henry Lee Lucas & Ottis Toole (6-200+) The Tag Team from Hell: the Sadist King and the Generalissimo of Pain. The numbers speak for themselves. As a kid, Henry was the poster child of the "Future Serial Killer Club." His alcoholic father, called "No Legs" because of a chance encounter with a freight train, killed himself after repeatedly being humiliated by his abusive wife. When little Henry sliced an eye while playing with a knife with his brother, his bootlegging, prostitute mother -- Viola Lucas -- left his gashed orb unattended for days until it eventually withered and had to be removed by a doctor. Once mom beat him so severely with a piece of wood that he lay in a semi-conscious state for three days before Viola's boyfriend decide to take him to a local hospital. Another time, she cruelly decided to send Hank to school in a dress and with his hair curled. Years later, in a drunken binge, Henry stuck a knife in his mother's back and proceeded to rape her dead corpse. Later, like on many other occasions, he recanted his act of incestuous necrophilia. He got 40 years for matricide, but was out after 10. In 1976, after a chance meeting in a Jacksonville soup kitchen, he joined up with a part-time transvestite and deeply psychotic retard, Ottis Toole, to carry out numerous homicidal escapades. Ottis had a taste for human flesh and had many of his victims for dinner. Henry, however, was not a cannibal because, he said, he disliked the taste of Ottis' barbecue sauce. He was more of a sadist and a necrophile, preferring sex with mutilated bodies and live or dead animals.

    Bathory 03. Erszebet Bathory (40+) A Sixteenth Century Hungarian Countess, Erszebet enjoyed bathing in blood. This deviant fawn of royalty believed that regular blood baths would halt the aging process. Estimates of the number of girls that were slaughtered for her 10 years of beauty treatments vary from 40 to as much as 600.

    02. Pee Wee Gaskins (100+) When he was a young boy Pee Wee watched a cobra eat a live rat at a carnival. According to a later confession he penned, that was the first time he felt attracted to violence. Dubbed America's meanest killer, Pee Wee was always in trouble with the law. He spent most of his youth in and out of reform school and later prison. Because of his pint-size, Pee Wee had to be the "girlfriend" of older, more powerful prisoners. He soon put an end to it by killing a highly regarded inmate while the man was taking a shit, making him a jailhouse legend for the rest of his stay.

    01. Pedro Alonso Lopez (300+) Pedro was known as the "Monster of the Andes" after the impressive numbers of hits he tallied in his three-nation killing spree. A native of Colombia, his prostitute mother kicked him out of their home at age eight for fondling his younger sister. Adding insult to injury he was then picked up by a pedophile and sodomized against his will. By the time he was eighteen he was gang banged in prison and retaliated by killing three of his assailants. It is widely believed that three hundred hits is a low estimate for this most prolific serial killer.


    Top 10 Mass Murders of the Pseudo-Millennium

    10. George Jo Hennard (23) On October 16, 1991, Hennard crashed his blue Ford pickup truck through the plate glass window of Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas. As he stepped out of the truck he screamed, "This is what Bell County has done to me! I hope all this is worth it, Texas!" Then he systematically opened fire throughout the cafeteria killing twenty-three and wounding twenty. As he was running out of munitions he went to the rest room and put his last bullet in his brain. One surviving employee hid in the freezer. Another crawled into the dishwasher where he stayed hidden for almost a day.

    09. Humberto de la Torre (25) 21-year-old Humberto torched the Dorothy Mae Apartment Hotel in downtown Los Angeles in 1982 after a dispute with his uncle who managed the building. The blaze killed 25 residents and got Humberto a 625-year sentence.

    08. Baruch Goldstein (29) In February 1994, Goldstein gunned down 29 Arab worshippers at al-Ibrahimi mosque. The shrine, the traditional burial place of the biblical Abraham, is also revered as the Cave of the Patriarchs.

    07. David Burke (43) On December 7, 1987, David Burke, a fired airline employee, followed his ex-boss onboard a Pacific Southwest Airline jet with his mind set on revenge. He shot the man in mid-flight and caused the plane to crash, killing all forty-three people onboard including himself.

    06. Jack Gilbert Graham (44) Jack, a petty criminal, was always annoyed by his doting mother. In 1955, when she came to visit him in Denver, Jack gave her a Christmas present to take back home with her on the plane. The present, fourteen pounds of dynamite with a timer in a box, blew up shortly after takeoff. This, he said, made him feel freer than he had ever felt before. It also got him gassed in 1957.

    05. Andrew Kehoe (45) The first mad bomber in U.S. soil, on May 18, 1927, Andy blew up a school in Bath, Michigan, killing 45 people, 37 of them children. After detonating explosives he planted under the school, "maniac bomber" Andrew Kehoe, a school board member and treasurer and farmer, blew up his pickup truck, killing himself and the Bath School superintendent.

    04. Julio Gonzalez (87) Cuban born Gonzalez came to the United States in the 1980 Mariel boat lift. Ten years later, in a fit of jealousy, he killed eighty-seven partiers. Pissed off at his ex-girlfriend, Lydia Feliciano, who was dancing with someone else, Julio bought a buck's worth of gasoline and torched the Bronx's Happy Land Social Club killing nearly everyone inside. Only six survived. As luck would have it, one of them was lucky Lydia, his ex-girlfriend.

    03. Martin Bryant (35) On Sunday April, 28, 1996 Martin, a 28-year-old wanna-be surfer with a history of mental problems went on a rampage through the historical town of Port Arthur in the southeastern corner of Tasmania. Packing his car with weapons and a surfboard, Martin headed to the ruins of Port Arthur's famous prison. Outside the Broken Arrow Cafe he muttered, "There's a lot of WASP's around today, there's not many Japs here, are there?" Then he entered the cafe, pulled out two expensive semi-automatic rifles from his tennis bag, and methodically shot at everyone inside. Jenetta Hoani, the gunman's former girlfriend, claimed that Bryant was obsessed with bestiality, violent videos and teddy bears, of which he had 200 in his bedroom. His best friend was a pet pig with whom he sometimes shared his bed. Jenetta said Martin's favorite video was "Child's Play 2", which features a doll named Chucky that is possessed by a serial killer and comes to life after killing a boy and taking over his body. She also said that he would undergo frightening personality changes and appeared to delight in death and danger.

    02. James Oliver Huberty (21) An unemployed security guard, James Oliver Huberty, had only one friend-- his dog Shep. On July 18, 1984, he donned camouflage pants, told his wife "Society had its chance. I'm going hunting. Hunting humans," and set off to a MacDonald's in San Ysidro. There he shouted, "I killed thousands in VietNAM, and I want to kill more!", and for the next hour and fifteen minutes he slaughtered twenty-one people and wounded twenty. A sniper's bullet ended his bloody rampage. Later the building itself was demolished and a park was built on the site.

    Mcveigh 01. Timothy J. McVeigh & Terry Nichols (168) Speed freak Timothy McVeigh and fellow white-trash-neo-nazi-ex-soldier Terry Nichols are believed to be responsible for blowing up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City on April 19, 1995. McVeigh and Co. thought the assault on the Branch Davidian compound by federal authorities in 1993 was a step towards civil war.


    Top 10 Killer Cults of the Pseudo-Millennium

    10. Adolfo de Jesϊs Constanzo & Sara Aldrete (24) Constanzo, a Cuban-American bisexual cult leader and male model, managed a drug smuggling ring in Matamoros, Mexico. He and Sara Aldrete, his college-student-gone-cult-priestess partner, were very successful in the drug trade because of their habit of ritually sacrificing their competition. Through sacrifice, Constanzo preached, they would be invisible to their enemies. Constanzo himself was fond of wearing necklaces made out of human vertebrae for protection. Once one of the members of the cult who got into a fight in a bar, pulled a severed finger out his pocket to scare away his attackers. Their gig ran afoul when they decided what they needed was to kill a gringo. They abducted Mark Kilroy, a college student on spring break, and killed him in their border ranch called Santa Elena. There his body was dismembered and his heart, genitals and spine were used to make a magic stew. The disappearance of Kilroy triggered an all out police search around the border. Authorities were alerted of the weird rituals practiced in Rancho Santa Elena. As the digging in the ranch began a large number of dismembered bodies started appearing and several members of the cult were arrested.

    09. The Church Of The Lamb Of God (24+) Led by neo-polygamist Mormon patriarch Ervil LeBaron, this tribe of killers (many of them his wives and children) murdered at least 20 people -- mostly rival polygamists and fringe Mormons -- over a 20-year period. LeBaron himself died in prison in 1981, but the killings were continued by his followers for years after his death. Aaron LeBaron became the sect's high priest after his father's death. Like father like son; Aaron soon got into trouble with the law. According to Ervil's Lamb of God 510-page tome, anyone leaving the cult had to be killed before believers could inherit God's kingdom on Earth.

    08. Jombola Cult (30+) The mystical Jombola cult, believed to be made up of more than 300 men and women, surfaced in the war-ravaged regions of the southern part of Sierra Leone three months after the signing of the November, 1996, peace accord between the government and the rebel Revolutionary United Front. Operating in the southern districts of Bo, Pujehun and Bonthe, the cult has carved along its way a path of death and destruction. The Jombolas are believed to possess the power to transform themselves into bats, cats, dogs and other creatures before wrecking havoc on villages. Terrified residents of the troubled areas have remarked that the sight of the transformed cult members when they are going on their military operations, mesmerizes their victims.

    Solar 07. Order of the Solar Temple(74) As the millennium rapidly approaches, this apocalyptic eurotrash cult has claimed 74 victims in three bizarre mass suicide rituals. Strangely, most of the members of the sect seem to be highly educated and well-to-do individuals. The Order itself stems from the Knights of Templar, a secretive medieval organization founded by French crusaders in Jerusalem. How it became a New Age Yuppie Suicide machine, remains a mystery. The cult seems to give great importance to the sun. Their fiery ritual murder-suicides are meant to take members of the sect to a new world on the star "Sirius." To assist with the trip, several of the victims, including some children, are shot in the head, asphyxiated with black plastic bags and/or poisoned. Luc and Joseph wrote, in a letter delivered after their deaths that they were "leaving this earth to find a new dimension of truth and absolution, far from the hypocrisies of this world."

    david_koresh.jpg 06. David Koresh & ATF (90) On February 28, 1993, when the Storm Troopers of the ATF tried to enter the Branch Davidian compound in the outskirts of Waco, Texas, Dave and the gang answered with a rain of lead killing four ATF agents. Koresh, a failed rock'n roller turned doomsday prophet and poster boy for the NRA resisted the ATF siege that followed for fifty-one days. He also promised to bring forth a fiery apocalypse for all those with him in the compound. On April 19, 1993, he delivered. As the Federal Bureau of Investigation agents, under the lead of Bob Ricks launched their assault, the compound broke out in flames killing eighty-six people inside. The government claimed that Koresh ignited the flames and had the compound booby-trapped so it would go up in a fireball.

    05. Indonesian Witch Hunters (140+) Since September, 1998, more than 153 people have been murdered in East Java by groups of men clad in black wearing Ninja-style masks. The victims have been mostly Muslim clerics, black magicians and other people accused of sorcery. The killers have struck against the sorcerers at night, cutting their throats and sometimes hanging their mutilated bodies in trees or tossing them in the street. Victims sometimes have been cut into small pieces and their body parts thrown into mosques.

    04. Crocodile Men From Congo (33) Six tribal chiefs believed by villagers and police to possess a mystical ability to turn themselves into crocodiles have been arrested for killing 33 people. One suspect, a chief of Buma village in Bandundu province, about 330 miles from the capital of Kinshasa, confessed to killing and eating five people. Those under arrest have been identified by their community as belonging to a witch gang whose members villagers believe are able to transform themselves into crocodiles, and who have been blamed for 33 deaths in the area since 1995.

    po-heavgate.jpg 03. Heaven's Gate (40) The only "doomsday-cult-web-design-team". On March 26, 1997, 39 members of "Heaven's Gate" decided to "shed their containers" and get on a companion craft hiding in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet. The resulting mass suicide of 21 women and 18 men, ages 26 to 72, all sporting buzzcuts, dressed alike in trendy black pants, oversized shirts, and brand new black Nikes, was unlike any other mass suicide. They were all found lying on their backs on cots and bunkbeds throughout the mansion covered with triangular purple shrouds with their hands to their sides in a prone position.

    manson.jpg 02. Charles Manson & The Family (9+) Meet the Reigning King of America's Homicidal Maniacs and his harem of acolytes. Between July and August of 1969, Charlie and his "Family" of society drop-outs carved themselves a niche of infamy in the American psyche after a blood-soaked series of murders that hammered shut the hopes of the flower generation. Born "No Name Maddox," Charlie was the son of a teenage, bisexual, alcoholic prostitute. As an infant his uncaring mom once traded him for a pitcher of beer. When he was paroled in 1967, this ex-con and aspiring musician drifted to San Francisco just in time to catch the Summer of Love. There he became the "God of Fuck". Charlie's charisma made him the Messiah of every lost flower child and, strangely, after years of incarceration, he turned out to be full of love. Describing himself as a "little runt" he managed to surround himself with a bevy of beautiful young girls who considered him God. While in San Francisco he traded the rights to one of his songs for a bus, which his girls painted black and he drove all across the West collecting what he called "Garbage People." Terry Melcher, a music producer who had rejected Manson (and also the son of Doris Day), moved out of his house in Cielo Drive and subleased it to Roman Polanski and his pregnant wife, Sharon Tate. In a desperate attempt to get his music produced Manson had gone to talk to Terry to find out that he had moved. He thought the new tenants of Cielo Drive treated him like "a piece of scum to be sucked into the toilet." So when he felt that a series of random murders were in order to feed the "Infinite Soul" he knew exactly where to go.

    jimjones.jpg 01. Reverend Jim Jones & The People's Temple (900+) Jim Jones, the son of a Klansman, considered himself the reincarnation of both Jesus and Lenin. He was also endowed with a huge penis which he used repeatedly in the name of Christ. Jim had visions of an impending nuclear holocaust in which only the towns of Ukiah, California and Belo Horizonte, Brazil would survive. The good reverend ordered his followers to drink from a tub of grape-flavored Fla-Vor-Aid laced with potassium cyanide and tranquilizers. All 900+ did. Children died first; babies were killed by poison squirted into their mouths with a syringe. Then the adults. Most were poisoned, some forcibly. Some were shot by security guards. As the ritual suicide progressed, it is unclear whether Jim put a bullet through his brain, or someone did it for him


    Top 10 Most Infamous Killers of the Pseudo-Millennium

    nightstalker.jpg 10. The Nightstalker – He'd break into places and strangle women. He had a rather lengthy run before getting caught which is quite admirable.

    09. Dahmer – He dined on mostly dark meat. Cannibals are always fun.

    08. Unabomber – He gets style points for the hair, and that it took so long for him to be found...if he has in fact been found!

    07. Son of Sam – He killed people because a dog told him. Bow wow! I guess he didn't respect the cat enough to take its orders.

    gacy.jpg 06. John Wayne Gacy – What's better than a guy who worked as a clown at parties, then killed kids and had them hidden in his crawlspace? It's WACKY! Now, Timmy, how'd you like a balloon corpse?

    05. Lizzy Borden – She killed her parents with an big axe. Plus she's a laaady, and there's no bigger turn-on than a chick that'll kill alongside with you.

    04. Ed Gein – While he has a very low kill count, he was the inspiration for both Leatherface AND Cowboy Bob.

    03. Jack the Ripper – Everyone loves to kill a whore or two. Well, Jack took his honourable share in Jolly Old England and was never caught. Not bad for a limey.

    02. Zodiac – Maybe he's not had as high a number as the rest of these people below him, but he took the time to write and phone the police with taunts and still wasn't caught.

    01. God – Who's more well known and killed more than the Big Guy? Exactly.


    Top 10 Most Painless Ways to Die of the Pseudo-Millennium

    10. Electrocution – Differing reports say how painful this is. That's why it's last.

    09. Gun to the Head – Favorite of lots of ex-people. Quick and painless, unless you screw it up and become a huge vegetable for the rest of your life, in which case, it sucks to be you.

    08. Blown Up – No pain, but lots of mess...for other people to clean up.

    07. Decapitation – They say that the human head can still see and understand what it'd seeing for around 5 seconds after it's removed. That's pretty cool.

    06. 12 Ton Shoe Falling on You – Just like Wile E. Coyote, splat and it's all over.

    05. Lethal Injection/Poisoning – With today's modern medicine, these are painless and quick. Only thing is you have to kill to get the injection.

    04. Heart Attack – Some of these are painful, but if it does kill you, it's usually pretty quick.

    03. Freezing – Yeah, you're cold, but instead of hurting a lot, you drift off to sleep.

    02. Locked in an Airtight Room – This is a sweet way. Not only do you get on the news, but as the carbon dioxide builds up, you just get sleepy, then fall asleep and die.

    01. In your sleep – The best way, no doubt. Nice and peaceful and without knowing it's gonna happen.


    EJ's Top 10 Favorite Nazis

    10. Baldur von Schirach. A descendent of two signers of the Declaration of Independence, von Schirach was the "Youth Leader of the German Reich". His past times included writing poetry to Hitler ("this genius grazing the stars"), paganism, and spending hours upon end with young boys. All of Germany's youth was under his control after 1933, allowing him to shape an entire generation.

    9.Ilse Koch. The wife of the commandant of Buchenwald, Frau Koch had a penchant for collecting the tattooed skins of concentration camp inmates. Like Martha Stewart, she invented her own good thing: custom made lamp shades. One of her favorites was human lamp shades with the words Haensel and Gretel tattooed on it. Plus, anyone whose nickname is the "Bitch of Buchenwald" has to be hella-uber-evil.

    8. Albert Speer. Hitler's favorite architect, and post war apologist, Speer actually had a lot more to do with the Third Reich's dirtier activities than he'd like to admit. He had no squeamishness using forced labor while Minister of Armament, including prisoners of war and concentration camp inmates. However, he did save Germany from Hitler's scorched earth policy, so that was a good reason not to hang him with the rest at Nuremberg

    7. Julius Streicher. Known as the Jew-baiter of Nuremburg, Streicher was often seen sporting a whip for his bouts of sadism against any Jew made the mistake of being in his vicinity. An alte kampfer and participant of the Beer Hall Putsch, Streicher is best remembered for his perverse and grotesque charicatures of Jews molesting young Aryan girls published in Der Steurmer, the official newspaper of the SA.

    6. Eva Braun. Hitler's mistress and later Hitler's bride, Braun is thought by some to have not only orchestrated the Fueher's murder, but to have survived and escaped the Bunker and the Soviet occupation of Berlin. Evidence points that Hitler was shot while sitting down, from behind and that Eva Braun was wounded but not killed. The dental records used to "prove" that the Russians have the couple's skulls indeed prove nothing. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

    5. Joachim von Ribbentrop. Ribbentrop was the German Ambassador to Britain and later the Foreign Minister and had a reputation for being not only lazy and incompetent, but vain, arrogant and worthless. Yet, he's on my list for one big reason: the secret German-Soviet pact where Germany and the Soviet Union split Poland in two, allowing Hitler to focus all of his resources on conquering Western Europe until he felt ready to take on Mother Russia. Too bad he didn't learn from Napoleon and invaded in winter. Oh well.

    4. Heinrich Himmler. Head of the SS. Architect of the Holocaust. Occultist. Chicken farmer. This epitome of evil, who was behind the murder of the SA leadership during the Night of the Long Knives, passed out at the sight of blood. He probably never once used his service revolver, but preferred sitting behind his desk pouring over the "stud books" of his SS soldiers' lineage. He left the dirty work to others and personally supervised such projects as the Lebensborn, where young Aryan men and women could procreate without the ties of marriage or family.

    3. Joseph Goebbels. Goebbels didn't let his club foot or his complete lack of talent keep him from becoming Minister of Propaganda and the supreme arbitrator of what was art in Nazi Germany. A failed writer himself, he controlled every word published, spoke or filmed. The reality of the average person living under the Nazi regime was Goebbels' reality. Faithful to the Fueher to the end, Goebbels killed all 6 of his children, his wife, and then himself after Hitler's death.

    2. Martin Bormann. His name wasn't well known until after the end of WWII, but Martin Bormann was the power behind the throne after 1941. With Hitler's brain being ate up by Parkinson's Disease, Bormann was in the position to seize control. He controlled who saw Hitler, what Hitler read, what Hitler heard, and basically what became law in Nazi Germany. By keeping out of the spotlight, he remained above the petty infighting of the elite and remained in power.

    1. Reinhard Heydrich. Heydrich, also known as the Butcher of Prague, was the head of the Gestapo and responsible for years of terror millions of Germans. His assassination in 1943 caused the deaths of hundreds, including the complete annihilation of the Czech town of Lidice, right down to the salting of the earth. Many believe Heydrich was the heir apparent to the Fueher. Ironically, he was more Aryan than any of the other top Nazis yet was one quarter Jewish, a fact which haunted him and led to drinking binges where he would yell "filthy Jew" and shoot his own image in the mirror.


    Top 10 Letters of the Alphabet of the Pseudo-Millennium

    10. O - It's round and looks like your mouth when you find out you just won one million damn dollars.

    09. R - Not only do you need it to do that trilled rrrrrrrrr thing, it's the first letter they give you in the famous "Wheel of Fortune" RSTLNE letter combination.

    g.jpg 08. G - Ain't nuthin' but a G-thang bay-bee.

    07. A - The Fonze wouldn't be as cool saying "Eeeeeeeee," plus it's the first letter of the alphabet and let's us have companies named AAAAAA.

    06. S - It's much more elegant than than jagged "Z" with all its curves, because it's all about being ahead of the curve.

    05. M - You can't have a loving mommy without it, and without a mommy, you ain't getting conceived. Also, it's one leg better than an "N" and isn't an upside down rip-off like that bastard "W."

    04. F - It's FAN-tastic, and you couldn't fuck or finger without it...but we never said that.

    u.jpg 03. U - Like we said with "S," it's more elegant than the pointy and jagged "V," and it looks like a lucky horseshoe. You also can't be an unclefucker without it.

    02. C - Because the best slang for the genitals use it.

    01. K - You can't start the /kick command without it.


    Top 10 Broken Commandments of the Pseudo-Millennium

    10. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

    09. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

    08. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

    07. Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything that is thy neighbour's.

    06. Honour thy father and thy mother.

    05. Thou shalt not murder.

    04. Thou shalt not steal.

    03. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

    02. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

    01. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God in vain.


    Top 10 Body Parts of the Pseudo-Millennium

    10. Gallblader - It's the store house for bile. Bile aids in digestion, which is good, and it's all about the ill temper.

    09. Uvula - Yeah, that thing that hangs down in the back of your throat. Why? Because it sounds funny and is always used as a punching bag by someone who finds themselves in the mouth of a giant. Also, it supposedly evolved because it allows for hightened pleasure during that little thing called oral sex. All men should worship it where they work and bank.

    penis.jpg 08. (tie) Penis/Clitoris - If you even need an explanation, leave...now.

    07. Pyloric sphincter - You know, the little circular muscle between your stomach and duodenum that opens and closes to let food into your intestines. If you didn't have this little marvel of nature, you might as well not even have a stomach.

    06. Lungs - A man's gotta breathe! And without those wonderful airsacs, where would you suck nicotine, tar, and smoke into?

    05. Ass - Without the ass, we couldn't sit down, and drunk men at sci-fi conventions would have nothing to admire.

    04. Heart - Take your hand and open and close it 6 times every 5 seconds all day. That's basically what your heart does for your entire life. How could we not give props to it? And yes, we only appreciate it for its pumping blood action, not for that emotional, caring and feeling "heart" reason.

    03. Liver - It produces bile, aids in metabolic functioning, and it takes care of all that boooooooze you drink.

    02. Pancreas - It secretes digestive enzymes and insulin. Sure, insulin promotes the storage of glucose and fatty acids so you end up all huuuuuge, but without it, brain.jpg we'd all have too much sugar in our blood and probably be hyper psychos with short attention spans that ran around breaking things or going into IRC channels being ray-tards. It also has those Islets of Langerhans which sounds like a romantic place to take a dream date.

    01. Brain - It helps you to think and not do stupid things, like fall victim to an ultra. Of course it can also help you perform an ultra. Huzzah to the brain.


    Top 10 Birth Control Methods of the Pseudo-Millennium

    10. Killing your female partner after sex - Judging from all those "Law and Order" episodes that had cases based on this birth control method, it seems to be a big fad and just managed to take the tenth place from, "removing your genitals."

    09. Rhythm method - Even though it means waiting until a woman is out of her fertile period and requires Excel spreadsheets to keep track of menstrual cycles, it's surprisingly popular, especially by people with blood fetishes.

    08. Zits - People just don't find big, radioactive green zits all over your face oxy-*cute*.

    07. Coitus interruptus - "Pulling out" has recently made a popular comeback with the advent of porn films and money shots in the latter half of this century.

    06. Photos of the Pope or relatives - The desire to GIT IT ON is often lost when you have the photo of the pontif or your parents looking over you...go figure.

    05. Abortion - Despite all the protests, abortions land in the top five methods of preventing birth.

    04. Chemical contraceptives - Because women like to destroy everything that makes you a man, spermicides are quite popular.

    03. Geekiness - You wouldn't think being obsessed with a TV show/movie/novel series would make you undesirable, but it does.

    condom.jpg 02. Barrier methods - Condoms, diaphragms, and sponges are easy to use and make with the clean sex.

    01. Oral contraceptives/IUD - Because we all know it's really the woman's onus to not get knocked up.


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