Bad Headline Roundup
A big part of the process of creating NewsBreak for all of my avid readers is perusing the headlines that pop up during the day. And today has been a particularly frustrating day, as headlines that seem to promise great comedy potential end up dying on the vine. So, in a pre-Friday copout, we'll just be mocking the headlines today, or maybe some first paragraphs. There will be no refunds.
We start off with a nice concise summary of the current Middle East troubles, from the AP: "New Shooting Tests Mid-East Cease Fire".
Normally, one would consider one of the hallmarks of a successful cease-fire would be a complete lack of "new shooting". It seems to me that "new shooting" is what a cease-fire is designed to prevent, and that the very presence of "new shooting" means the cease-fire failed the test, or at least gets several points off and no extra credit.
Perhaps some kind of class-action lawsuit is in order. I mean, if I were deathly allergic to peanuts, and was promised a blissful, peanut-free experience by a restaurant, and then my head swelled to twice its normal size, I might have a case against the establishment. And more people are allergic to rapidly-moving bullets than peanuts. Someone get Jacobi and Myers on the phone.
Next up is a little comparative journalism. Let's compare and contrast Reuters' tame "False Britney Spears Rumor Sparks Confusion In L.A.", with the more direct E! Online "Justin and Britney: Not Dead".
Neither of these are particularly good headlines. The first one mentions a rumor, mentions that it's false, but doesn't say what the rumor is, and fails to mention the involvement of Justin Timberlake, who, as we all know, is dreamy. And, of course, there's the fact that only in the post-Dubya America could a noun like "confusion" be paired with a verb like "sparked".
E! Online, however, makes the tragic mistake of telling us only what we would assume (although not necessarily wish) to be true unless told otherwise. I mean, this is E!. There's plenty of evidence that they consider the continued heartbeat and respiration of celebrities to actually be news, even when that celebrity isn't Bob Hope.
The solution, as always, is to find the heart of the story and make sure the headline reflects that. Given that the story is about hundreds of people who believed a morning radio DJ that said Timberlake and Spears were dead, and became distraught, I suggest my Universal All-Purpose Headline: "Americans - Not Getting Any Smarter".
You know, on second thought, I think I will provide refunds. However, I will require a photocopy of your cash register receipt.
