Bizarre Evidence of Taste Discovered (3/3/98)

Scientists are puzzled by new findings that suggest that the American public may actually have taste after all.

The evidence was compiled from many sources, however, the most damning came from reports of the five biggest box-office failures of 1997. These failures were:
  • Shadow Conspiracy
  • McHale's Navy
  • Steel
  • Cats Don't Dance
  • 'Til There Was You
Scientists warn, however, against jumping to conclusions. "This could just be a statistical abberation," one explained. "It could be there could just be a correlative effect between these films sucking on toast and their tanking at the box office. If we can prove a causative relationship, however, our long national nightmare may very well be over."

Not everyone, however, is convinced. Professor C. D. S. Forrester, for example, finds the study questionable at best.

"Look at that list. No 'Batman and Robin'. No 'Event Horizon'. No 'Starship Troopers'. No 'Out to Sea'. To state categorically that this list represents a cohesive, American rejection of God-awful cinema is at best ludicrous, and at worst, criminally irresponsible."