Thayer's Web Site

The Guide to On-Line Stalking

How ya doing baby? Telly here and I hope you help you in finding that lasting relationship that eludes oh so many people in today's times. With the following guide, I'll show you how to find, "meet," and capture the heart of that special someone just for you. If you read, follow, and stick to each and every section of this guide, you'll be sure to have someone you can ask, "Who loves ya baby?"

Our first installment is entitled: Getting Started

Getting Started

Do you want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with? Sure, we all do. But are you discouraged by your lack of success with the ladies? Perhaps it's because of your embarassing stuttering problem, or the fact that you have trouble fitting through an average sized door, or possibly it's that unsightly contagious fungal infection that seems to be slowly taking over the left side of your body. But whatever the reason, if you're shunned and rejected by girls in real life, then the internet is for you! This is an article designed to introduce you to an exciting career in online stalking. By following these simple steps, you too can find and catch the love of your life and never be alone again. In this issue, you'll find out what tools you'll need to keep track of your chosen victim, or as you'll like to call her, your "girlfriend".

If you're reading this right now, then you probably already have access to the internet. If by some chance you're reading this at a friend's house, at a public computer lab, or if someone has printed this out for you, get your own internet service provider immediately! Doing a proper job of stalking is like being a doctor. You must be on call to keep track of your "girlfriend" 24 hours a day. Once you've got this taken care of, there are several programs you'll want to get. First of all, you'll want an e-mail account. If one doesn't come with your internet service provider, or ISP, you can register to get a free account from netscape, yahoo, hotmail, or any one of countless others. You may want to get a second account under a different name, so you can write her even more often without looking obsessive. Make sure when you make up your second name that it's not too similar to your real one, and also that it's a manly name. Something like "Lance Virile" or "Rod Strong". This will make her think that you are quite a desireable stud.

Next you'll want to get an IRC client. This is a program that will let you "talk" to people in real time. We here at HGI reccomend mIRC for windows systems, or if you are using a macintosh, try IRCle. These programs come with a list of servers you can connect to. On most of these servers you can find channels discussing every imaginable subject. Choose something that interests you, because won't it be nice that you and your "girlfriend" like the same things? These programs have many wonderful features that will make it much easier to keep track of your girl, such as the /notify and /whois commands. These will be further explained in the upcoming section, "Keeping Track of your True Love".

You will also want a browser such as Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. This is useful for such needs as finding information about your "girlfriend"'s real life, like her address and phone number, and her other activities. Also, you can look for interesting things to tell her about during a lull in conversation. I'm sure she'd love to hear about the site you found that had pictures of people being tortured, or the homepage of your favourite religious organization. Don't have one? Try Scientology! It's exotic, and it's the religion of the stars! Your girl will love it when you try to convert her. It will let her know that you care about her future.

A relatively new and less known but fast growing feature on the internet is the instant messenger program. ICQ is the reccomended tool for stalking, because it has a feature that lets you know when people on your list are online. It also lets you send her little "love notes" whenever your heart desires! Goodnight messages, goodmorning messages, Goodafternoon messages, just a little note to say hi, whatever. The attention will surely make her feel very loved.

That's all for this installment of the Gentleman's Guide, but be sure to check back at HomeGame Industries for more stalking tips coming soon! (And while you're waiting for more ideas, be sure to order some expensive books, cds, videos, and dvds from the link to located on the HomeGame webpage.) The next issue will be, "Choosing the Girl Who Will Be the Love of Your Life", soon to be followed by, "How to Talk to a Girl Without Scaring Her Away", and "What to Do if Her Friends all Hate You". Until then, study these rules until you know them by heart, and soon you too will find happiness and love. Good luck!

Can you believe Thayer still doesn't have any stalkers?

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