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Beloved Catchphrase Found Dead

March 28, 2000

The newest catchphrase to sweep the nation like a conflagration was found dead late Monday night behind a dumpster in Baltimore, Maryland. Investigators believe The Organized Band To Put Catchphrases Out Of Their Misery is to blame for the death of "Waaaaassssuup," mainly due to the note left behind by the group claiming responsibility.
The Budweiser "Waaaaassssuup?!" ad campaign has swept the nation's horribly unhip population of white guys, driving people insane.

The catchphrase was beaten to a bloody pulp of letters and serifs and was discovered by Willie Fulgear, best known for his previous dumpster diving antics which led to the locating of 52 missing Oscar statuettes and was in town purchasing a bar in the city's Fells Point area with his $50,000 reward. "I guess I have a nose for these things," he commented upon being asked about his luck in finding things. "I was also hungry, and old habits die hard," he continued.

One of the first people at the crime scene was Baltimore homicide detective Laura Ballard. "It was a real mess. I couldn't even make sense of what it was, and didn't believe it until the forensic typesetter came on scene," she recounted between bites of relish covered hot dog. A source at the Baltimore Police Department revealed the contents of a note discovered near the twisted catchphrase: "The Organized Band To Put Catchphrases Out Of Their Misery is completely to blame for this. Thanks." Despite this note, another suspect is under suspicion - a local Araber, apparently due to the medical examiner's report stating the phrase was beaten by a shoe and violated with a pipe.

It's thought the use of "Waaaaassssuup?!" by Regis Philbin on last Friday's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" cut the popular phrases last lifeline. Regis Philbin, who also caused the death of "Is that your final answer," even though the phrase's resurrected zombie corpse still haunts society today, was unavailable for comment.
He's the DEVIL!
Regis brings home the "Waaaaassssuup?!" and proves he didn't get his tongue pierced, although he may be the devil. (audio) | (real video)

The 4 month old neuro-linguistic virus which was implemented and intended to replace the dying "Budweiser frogs," was discovered by advertising agency talent scouts on the streets of Philadelphia where it was used as a common greeting amongst "urban" friends. "A group of us were out eating cheese steak sandwiches, re-enacting the step climbing scene from "Rocky," and being extras in Will Smith videos when we kept hearing this wonderfully hip greeting. A collective light bulb dimly lit above our heads and we signed up 'Waaaaassssuup?!' for a one year deal worth two million dollars," recalls Jeffery Olin, one of the scouts responsible for finding the catchphrase and bringing it to Anheuser-Busch.

Dr. Dell, frightened deer or trusted psychiatrist?
Dr. Maurice Dell wants schools and business to make counselors available to talk to people distraught over the death of "Waaaaassssuup?!"
To fill the void left in the hearts of millions of Americans, The Society To Preserve In-Jokes and Catchphrases is looking to temporarily retrieve "That's boss," "Wicked," or "You can't touch this" from the catchphrase retirement home. Dr. Maurice Dell, a UCLA psychologist who has studied the effects and intrusion of memes (slogans, ideas, catchphrases, melodies, and icons) in our society, believes the impact of this event might cause several millions of dollars in lost productivity. "When people use a catchphrase to a degree that 'Waaaaassssuup?!' was used, they can become very attached to it. They begin to form bonds and associate phrases and memes with certain positive and negative emotional events in their lives. The loss of 'Waaaaassssuup?!' could very well be like losing a close family member or pet."

An Anheuser-Busch spokesman had no comment on the creation of a new catchphrase, but said thoughts and prayers went out to "Waaaaassssuup?!"'s family. However, an internal memo indicates that the company has already contacted several Madison Avenue agencies and some new catchphrases under consideration include, "Hang it up," "It's all about the booze," "That's Masingil fresh," "Ca vaaaaaaaaaaaa," "Respect the hops," "I HAVE AN iMAC," "CHUG IT," "[I'll] Dooya," and "Whaaaasssssdown?!"

"Waaaaassssuup?!"'s parents, "Yo" and "Give me some dap" were unavailable for comment.

Any donations in the memory of "Waaaaassssuup?!" should be made to The Foundation For The National Advancement And Acceptance Of Urban Catchphrases.

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