"Star Trek" Fan Gets Laid

October 11, 1999
ATLANTA, GA

Corvus Capek, the "Biggest 'Star Trek' Fan in the World" lounges around his house and keeps up on Trek happenings with the internet.

An independent committee composed of scientists and sex-perts hired by Paramount Pictures has confirmed that a "Trekkie" has actually engaged in full-contact sexual intercourse. Corvus Capek, a 620 pound Atlantan is the self-proclaimed "Biggest 'Star Trek' Fan in the World," and with a collection worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, which includes a rare Spock blow-up doll and Shat-Toupée Mark I, he can find no rival in his bid for the prestigious title. While his Trek zealousness alone could earn him a place in the record books, it is the fact he has had consensual sex with a woman that will send him into the annals of history.

The woman, a US Postal Service worker who refused to release her name, is not a prostitute and shamefully admits she had sexual intercourse with Capek for no compensation and of her own free will. She conceded,

Postal woman, Ms. X, did the nasty with Corvus Capek of her own free will.

"Normally I wouldn't have done him, but I just ended a long-term relationship and was feeling horrible about myself." A complete battery of psychological exams were run and found the mystery woman is indeed sane, although she did show signs of post-traumatic stress from the encounter.

Capek, a virgin up until the encounter, recounts the tale of the fateful day. "She was dropping off a package, a Tribble with a pattern that looked like the Virgin Mary I bought from E-bay, when I guess she liked what she saw and couldn't resist. It was undoubtedly the best six minutes of my life." While the encounter was a godsend for Capek, it was not so for his mystery postal woman, who lost her job for the inappropriate on-the-job action.

Officials at Paramount, who own "Star Trek," were skeptical at first, but still decided to hire a team of investigators to verify the claims. "We first heard about [the sexual encounter] from Chase Masterson who heard about it at a convention. We all thought it was another urban myth, like the gerbil up Richard Gere's ass," said "Star Trek" producer Rick Berman.

"Star Trek" producer Rick Berman can't believe a Trekkie would have sex, but is happy that it will bring good publicity to his dying franchise.

"But we're really happy about this since it shows you can be a big fan of our program and not die a virgin," he continued.

While "Star Trek" fans having sexual intercourse is not a new thing, Capek's sexual encounter is the first for a hard-core "Star Trek" fan referred to as a "Trekkie." Dr. Marcy Umbato, head of the investigative team explained, "Sex among the less spastic Trek fans, or Trekkers, is surprisingly common. However, the rather few number of Trekkies, with their extremely freakish behavior, poor grooming techniques, and propensity to not leave the house have never found themselves in the position to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman who isn't drugged or compensated for her services."

What's next for Mr. Capek? "I've been invited to tour the set of 'Voyager,' but they're not paying for my travel so I need to pay for the U-Haul myself, which is cool if I get to meet Jeri Ryan."