Ford Introduces New SUV
October 17, 2000
Today, in the wake of problems involving their popular Explorer SUV and Firestone tires, Ford Motor Company's CEO Jacques Nasser announced the company's plan to build a new, safer SUV. The SUV, code-named the Extraterrestrial, will be the largest sports utility vehicle built and will rely on both its gross size and use of tank treads to improve passenger safety.
"Today-ay-ay-ay…is the dawning of a new day-ay-ay-ay…for soccer moms, snooty people with way too much money, and sports utility vehicles-cles-cles-cles," bragged Nasser about the new SUV. "Clear those roadways, because we've got one big and bad mo-veh coming your way," he continued before pushing a giant red button which started a giant smoke and laser show which included explosive fireworks courtesy of Firestone tires.
The hulking 23 passenger SUV weighs in at 64.9 tons (fully fueled), measures an astounding 59 feet in length, 8 feet in width, and is just shy of being 12 feet tall. The mammoth vehicle will be forced to sport a 550 gallon gas tank due to its .5mpg (city) rating, although Ford is expected to offer an optional 425 gallon roof mounted fuel tank which can either carry traditional fuel or, with the obligatory modifications and a signed liability release form, a liquid oxygen and hydrogen fuel mixture.
The new features being touted by the Extraterrestrial include a billiards room, a home theater room, a fully stocked bar, and a family room with wood burning fireplace. In addition, the replacement of the vehicle's standard rubber tires with tank treads will, in the words of Jacques Nasser, "prevent deadly rollovers when your cheap and low-grade Firestone tires that blow-up faster than a high school geek's Friday night date fail as you swerve to miss a kid crossing the street because you didn't see him while getting road head from your girlfriend."
Steven Anderson, lead designer for the Extraterrestrial development team, explained the mentality behind creating the world's largest SUV: "One of the ground breaking things we're doing is taking convergence to a new level – we're taking your home, the RV, the SUV, and military technology, and swirling it all together to bring people the delicious combinations they enjoy, like peanut butter and chocolate candy, or pineapple-quince-Oreo-bacon daiquiris."
As with Ford's release of the Excursion, environmentalists are up in arms over the gas guzzling nature of the Extraterrestrial. Clearing up their stance on the matter, Evergreen "Moonflower" Aphoraximia of the organization Down With Guzzlers told HGN, "Dude, man, this is totally crazy. When will we realize that using up fossil fuels will only help us to get closer to Mother Earth by getting buried in her? These car people need to chill out with thinking bigger is better and relax…smoke a little pot, open your mind to nature, dudes."
When production on the Extraterrestrial begins in Early 2001, the suggested retail price for the base model SUV will be $190,000.
Dearborn, MI
Despite the rising cost of gas around the country, automobile industry analysts are expecting the Extraterrestrial to sell out of its entire first production run within days. "Even though gas is expensive, there will always be people who want the biggest SUV, whether it be to compensate for their phallic shortcomings, to go car camping up by the lake so they can tell their friends they do go off-roading, or to smuggle in cheap migrant farm workers from Mexico," explained Jonathan Liptolski, a writer for "Motorweek" magazine.
