"Survivor" To Survive Seven Days A Week

August 02, 2000
NEW YORK, NY

In an attempt to completely dominate the prime time television schedule, CBS announced that it would create and air six other “Survivor” programs to accompany next year's “Survivor: Outback” series. “Outback,” which replaces the tropical island setting of the original “Survivor” with the Australian Outback (not a steakhouse as rumors on the Internet have stated), will feature appearances by the Crocodile Hunter, Paul Hogan (in a Subaru Outback tie-in), Yahoo Serious, and Joel Robinson, is slated to air early 2001.

While television critics lambaste the network on its decision to cash in on “Survivor” frenzy and saturate the viewing market with reality programming, CBS Television President, Leslie Moonves, claims the decision is “another generous act from CBS on the behalf of the American people.” After implying the decision to support Howard Stern's late night show as an earlier generous act, Moonves went on to say, “We're giving what the masses want, which is a program where people of various age, race, and gender work to plot, scheme, and manipulate against each other. It's like an Internet Relay Chat channel, or real life if you worked with the mob or government. This is '90210,' but it's real, and the people aren't as attractive…and Luke Perry won't leave to have a failed movie career.”

Sociology specialists have studied the appeal of reality based programs like “Survivor” and have concluded people are intrigued at watching strangers “more fucked up than they are.” Also cited was that people are “sick, perverted bastards” desperately waiting for “a cast member to snap and slaughter everyone” or “a giant funfest orgy with 'homemade' dildos and whips.”

The thousands of audition tapes sent to CBS for the casting of “Outback” have allowed the network to already complete primary casting on the other series.

The other planned “Survivor” programs are:

The batteries are in the TAIL!

“Survivor: Adios Fidel” – In this “Survivor” show, sixteen Cubans are placed on a 15x15 raft and set adrift off the shores of Cuba. Their basic mission is to stay alive, avoid Cuban vessels, and make it to the shores of Miami. Following the format of “Survivor,” a member will be voted off the raft each week and returned to Cuba for punishment. The final two members will be forced to battle Janet Reno for a million dollar prize and political asylum.
“Survivor: Alive!” – Taking a cue from history, the “Survivor” masterminds have decided to recreate the famous 1972 Andes Mountain plane crash and make some cold cash off it. Sixteen people will be placed on a 747 flown by Dougray Scott and crashed into the side of a mountain in the Andes. The survivors of the crash will then fight to survive for twelve weeks by using the batteries in the plane's tail and other resources, like Yeti scat. Each week, the group will vote to eat one of the other stranded members.

Why don't you step into my special "showers"?

“Survivor: Dachau” – Returning to one of the most talked about subjects in world history, this “Survivor” series will place sixteen Jews into the Dachau concentration camp. The camp will be made fully operational again and be manned by Werner Klemperer look alikes who will shoot and cremate the cast member that is voted off the show each week. The cast members will have to complete certain tasks each week, most of which will involve manual labor and the construction of ammunition, because hard work is good for the soul. The last four cast members left in the camp will have to play a “Castle Wolfenstein 3D 2000” death match, and the first of the last two remaining members will have to escape from the camp and “showers” to win the prize.
“Survivor: Henry VIII” – “Survivor” producers will place sixteen sci-fi convention goers in the natural maze that is the Henry VIII “hotel” near St. Louis, Missouri.

All the magic of "Clue" and all the danger of "Resident Evil."

Forced to survive the natural hotel fauna and belligerent staff, the cast members, after being divided into two teams and placed at different hotel locations, will have ten weeks to find a specific room. They will vote one person out of the hotel every week and compete against each other in physical and mental challenges to win money to buy food and one dollar Cokes.

"Survivor: Death Row" is sure to be electrifying.

“Survivor: Death Row” –Inspired by “The Green Mile” and “Oz,” this “Survivor” series will follow sixteen prisoners on death row at an undisclosed prison as they make alliances by trading cigarettes and prison bitches. Each week, the prisoners will vote on which group member gets executed. The final two cast members will duke it out in the courtyard with shivs; the winner gets a pardon.
“Survivor: Columbine” – This slightly modified “Survivor” series will place fifteen kids in Columbine High School where they must survive teen angst and cliques. Each week, one member of the

Let the Sumo Wrestling Massacre begin!

cast will be mocked heavily and ostracized. After three weeks, the series mission changes because the three departed members return to “chase” the remaining members 10-hours each day, excluding weekends. The last person to survive the “chase” is crowned “Survivor” King/Queen at the “Survivor” dance. Due to possible controversy, insiders at CBS are prepared to replace this series with “Survivor: Day Trader” or “Survivor: Go Postal.”

All the new programs are expected to be a success, at least until US networks begin to import goofy Japanese game shows, or until everyone gets tired of Jeff Probst's yuppie khaki outfit.