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Influx of New Heroes

October 04, 2000

Beware America! These are the words coming from official channels when asked about the newest crisis going on in our country. People with super powers have been sprouting up all over the place and finally the cause has been discovered. The recent boon of super powered beings has been traced back to a manufacturer of light bulbs. That's right, light bulbs. While not the direct cause, they are the beginning of the chain of events that leads to one gaining these powers because these bulbs happen to be ones used for plant growth. It's been found that these bulbs weren't made properly and emit gamma radiation. Normally this isn't a problem, but by happenstance, the radiation reacts with the marijuana plant causing it to mutate, and thus the ones that "use" this plant mutate also. These bulbs have been pulled from the market, but they are still being used in order for dealers to command a higher price for the "super bud."

SuperDenk striking a pose
The mighty SuperDenk puts fear into all who dare break the law.

Perhaps the first and most famous of the new super heroes is SuperDenk. He first appeared on the scene in Washington DC to help with the homeless situation. He rounded them all up and took them to an undisclosed location were he said they would be well taken care of for the rest of their lives. One surprise is the fact that SuperDenk has decided to reveal his real identity. As it turns out, SuperDenk is none other than mild mannered policy analyst James Kent, of High Times Magazine, home of the Pulitzer Prize Award winner, Erica Lane. When asked if revealing his identity was a smart move, SuperDenk said, "Sure, whatever." He then proceeded to place the blame on his "partner" which said it would be for the best to gain the trust of the community. As it turns out, his partner is a sentient laptop computer. His computer, a THC Denkalon, was also the result of the new marijuana out on the streets. It seems when SuperDenk gained his superpowers, he accidentally broke his bong with his new super strength and the irradiated bong water got into his laptop. SuperDenk has pledged to help all Americans, especially the homeless, and we salute his efforts. We hope to bring a more thorough profile of SuperDenk at a later date.

Still undecided as good or bad is the self-styled vigilante Johnny Treetrunks. This individual has gained a supernatural control over wood and has a large stick he calls "The Branch of DOOM" which issues forth a gooey "Sap of Righteousness" he uses to immobilize criminals to the walls. While he does only go after criminals, he doesn't operate with any police coordination like SuperDenk, plus he recently shot a criminal in the face with his special Sap and killed him when the neuro-paralyzing properties caused the criminal's jaw and mouth to become numb and sore while blocking the airways. We will continue to monitor his actions in an effort to keep our
NotForest Gump
The only known photo of CEO Evil. Study it well.
readers informed. Of late, he has been seen in the company of an older female whose name is unknown. She has demonstrated the ability to vibrate her hands at an incredible rate as they give off a "bzzzzt" noise, most likely made from the speed at which her hands move through the air. If suspicions about their relations are correct, this new duo may be the first mother/son superhero team in the history of superhero-dom.

As is the case with anything that gives one person superiority over another, there comes bad with the good. The newest menace to rise from the mutated marijuana is CEO Evil. This elusive character has only been photographed once, and the person that took this photo has disappeared. Rumor has it CEO Evil ate some irradiated hash brownies and gained a super intellect, savvy business sense, and excellent organizational skills. He is the first to organize and unite the gangs on both the East and West coasts, which only demonstrates the danger he possesses. He has proven to be quite the thorn in the side of SuperDenk.

Please continue to check HGN for further updates to this situation. We are striving to keep the information coming in, but are afraid that CEO Evil may be blocking the reporting in an effort to corner the market on the super weed to make his criminal empire grow even stronger.

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