Sexémon Fever Grips U.S.
November 17, 1999
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
The Pokémon sensation that has swept the nation and has slowly drained the bank accounts of parents everywhere, has spawned numerous copycats, such as HokéPokémon, Jamaicamon, and Thiswholecrazeisahugeconmon. The latest in this series of imitations is Sexémon.
The new craze, supposedly started by well-known Los Angeles pimp, Snooky, encourages people to get as many Sexémon as they can in an attempt to become "masters." What has parents groups and those in the medical community up in arms is that Sexémon monsters are based on sexually transmitted diseases.
"It's an abomination. The fact the Sexémon characters are venereal diseases with special powers makes it seem like a VD is a good thing to have. What message is this sending to kids, that you need to catch every STD," asked Betty Lunsford, head of White Housewives Opposing Ray-tarded Entertainment, a political interest group that spearheaded a successful campaign against "Oz Mambo Socks" two years ago.
"Yo, we just tryin' to make some scratch on the sly, ya know? Snooky's just givin' the kids what they want, ya know what I'm sayin'? He ain't sayin' disease is good, it's just disease, ya know? Peeps are gonna catch disease 'cuz that shit happens, ya know what I'm sayin'? It's up to the po-pos and parents to keep a look out for their kids, ya know what I'm sayin'" said a bejeweled representative of Snooky.
True to the Pokémon marketing tradition, several "monsters" out the current batch of 120 are being marketed as "rare." Some of these hard to get monsters (with thier major power listed) include: chlamydiasaur (strange discharge), crabby (crotch itch), papillomapuff (induce warts), syphilizard (induce rash and burning), and herpesect (induce mouth and genital sores). Down at Android's Dungeon, a popular comic and card store, owner T-boar claims, "we've had several people in here asking for the rare HIVachu card. It's fetching a higher price than the first appearance of 'Radioactive Man' comic, which is much easier to get thanks to that accursed E-bay."
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Since the opening of "free gaming clinics" all over the country, the phenomenon is taking off much faster than any fight club ever could. "We get at least 10 new people a day coming in to see what the Sexémon craze is about," claims hard-core porn star turned Houston, Texas Sexémon Clinic manager, Dick Cox. "I think it's great since it turns this big negative into something good that can bring kids and families together while putting STDs into the spotlight," he continued.
Perhaps the most powerful message against the Sexémon craze comes from the first known, real-life Sexémon master, Patrick "Patty" Peacock. Patty, who is now in an isolated bio-containment level 5 ward at the Center for Disease Control, has an estimated week of life left and is serving as a living petri dish for scientists who have isolated over 32 completely new or mutant STDs. "Thanks to Mr. Peacock, we may have at least a 5 year jump start on any new VDs waiting to strike, not to mention some great new bio-weapons," reported CDC scientist Dr. Alan Franklin.
When reached for comment, Mr. Peacock struggled to deliver a message to Sexémon addicted children, "I know it's just a card game, but it's too fucking addictive. It's a gateway into STD collecting! Soon the cards aren't enough and you're out screwing diseased Thai whores and dead African monkeys trying to get the real diseases. I can't even get an erection anymore! Look at me! LOOK AT ME! Don't get in the trunk, you hear me?!"