Japan Makes Plea for Help

October 03, 1999
TOKAIMURA, JAPAN

The monster known as "Gojira" attacks Japan.

The Japanese government on Saturday put out an international plea for help. While radiation levels have returned to normal near the site of the nation's worst nuclear accident, they have no apparent effect on weakening the newest threat to the island nation - a giant 100 meter tall atomic lizard many are calling "Gojira." Thanks to the events of World War II, when the United States was forced to bitch slap Japan repeatedly, the country is without a military of its own, and is helpless to defend itself from the threat which has been destroying buildings and killing thousands with "minty fresh atomic breath," as one eyewitness reported.

Already, the United States has mobilized its Pacific Fleet to help in the battle and is deploying more troops which are expected to arrive late Saturday night. "We are completely devoted to stopping this threat and harnessing its vast power for use against other countries, giant turtles, or creepy space aliens," said one Pentagon spokesman. Top nuclear physicists and biologists have been called in to study the lizard in hopes of discovering ways to stop it. "It's big, very big, definitely too big to hit with a car and kill. And I think it might be pregnant," revealed Matthew Broderick, head of the international scientific team investigating Gojira.

The only known photo of the Iron Chefs as Megachef.

All traditional military attacks thus far have failed against the monstrosity. Instead, the attacks seem to have instead infuriated the massive lizard which has caused at least $100 million in damage and killed an estimated 15,000 people, including Associated Press reporter, Perry Mason, who lost his life when the giant monster stepped on him as he attempted to flee in his wheelchair.

Other surrounding Asian countries have given whatever aid they can afford: Korean cargo planes dropped several hundred KIA Sephias with no effect on Gojira, the Philippines provided an entire division of their hermaphrodite porn star army, and China donated one nuclear missile created from stolen US nuclear technology, but not before reinforcing the Great Wall with quick drying cement.

Japanese rap star, Korn, warns his numerous fans to not confront Gojira.

The Japanese Emperor addressed his nation from S.R. Hadden Industries' secret Japanese headquarters, and asked for help from the countries of the world and the Iron Chefs, the powerful team of chefs who helped save the country years ago in the battle of the giant pen shells by forming "The Megachef." Echoing concerns made by many government and public safety officials, Japanese pop icon and rap star, Korn, made a plea to his fans to evacuate the area and to not confront the monster.