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First Non-Porn Internet Movie Debuts; Few Notice

May 07, 2000

In what's being billed as a first ever, producers at released a $3 million movie to be distributed solely on the Internet this past Friday. The movie, "Quantum Project," which stars big name, A-list actors Stephen Dorff, Fay Masterson, and John Cleese, found itself in seventh place on this weekend's Jupiter Communications "Top 10 Downloads" list. Being beaten by GoZilla, The Cindy Margolis Desktop Calendar, WinZip, Beat the Bishop Solitaire v7.53, EvilJen's Masturbation AVI Screensaver, and the pirated "FU|_|_W@r3Z" version of Adobe Photoshop 5.5 might not bode well for the burgeoning Internet movie community.
Quantum Crap
It may be the first movie created for and solely distributed on the Internet, but it isn't the first piece of crap on the Internet.

Alan Yu, one of the people who helped get "Quantum Project" into the "Top 10," clarified the rationale behind his actions -- "I downloaded it the minute I heard about its release. I want to be a part of history, and I wanted to see if there'd be any tits, because the Internet Decency Act requires everything released on the Internet to have some adult content; I was hoping it'd be tits, big tits."

The movie, which is aimed primarily at broadband users who will have no trouble downloading the 40 minute movie, comes in low and high resolution versions, costing $4 and $6 respectively, and utilizes the Windows Media Player, ensuring an operating system crash when the movie is 97% downloaded. "I think what we're doing is a good thing. People are willing to overlook the technological limitations at this time, because they appreciate that we're at least making an effort to bring the entertainment to them, right into their living rooms, at their demand. And this is real entertainment, not just the Pam and Tommy Lee sex MPEGs, or various other porn videos that you can also download from our site," said a spokesman for

Within minutes of the movie being released for download, several independent "patches" hit the Web to aid viewers in creating a more complete theater experience right in their homes. Some of these patches include:
We don't need no patches!
"It's amazing to see the MSPlus! Science theme background get work outside of Windows."
The "MST3K" patch, which adds a silhouette of wisecracking movie watchers at the bottom of your screen.
The "Opinionated Friend" patch, which gives you a virtual, annoying friend who will take an opinion on the film contrary to yours and fight you to the end on it.
The "Annoying Couple That Makes Out Through The Whole Movie Blocking Your View Of The Screen" patch, which does exactly as it says (available in a straight or gay couple).
The "Gang Fight" patch, which adds Los Angeles realism by interjecting a gang fight and shoot-out in the middle of the movie.
The "Crying Baby"/"Ringing Cell Phone"/"Guy Who Laughs At Every Little 'Joke' In The Movie With An Excruciatingly Painful Guffaw"/"Don't Go In There, That's Where The Killer Is!" patches, which use complex randomizing algorithms to provide you with a loud crying baby, an annoying cell phone, a guy who laughs at every little "joke" in the movie with an excruciatingly painful guffaw, or a large black woman who yells, "Don't go in there, that's where the killer is," all in THX/5.1 Dolby surround sound.
The "$10 For A Small Popcorn" patch, which charges your credit card through a secure server and delivers five grams of popcorn to your house.
The "Sticky Floor" patch, which gives your home an authentic movie theater floor.
The "Plot Explaining" patch, which gives you the wonderful pairing of clueless movie going idiot and his friend that explains every plot detail.
The "Film Critic" patch, which installs a beret wearing amateur film critic/student AI that insists on sitting behind you and commenting on the poor use of lighting, cinematography, and mise en scene.
Uh, you gonna eat that last piece of popcorn?
Smelly guy, smelly guy, what are they feeding you? The "Smelly Guy" patch sits him next to you and enjoy the stench of BO and week-old Whoppers, all in the name of an authentic movie-going experience.
The "Smelly Guy" patch, which uses new Smell-a-web technology to let you experience that overweight, smelly, and loud mouth breathing guy who has to sit next to you even though there are several other seats available.
The "Pee Wee" patch, which adds New York realism by sitting a guy with a trench coat in his lap next to you, allowing you to experience each one of his moans during nude scenes.
The "Alanis Morissette" patch, which gives you a virtual girlfriend that goes down on you in the theater (requires a Jerker with optional rumble pack).

The release of all these "viewing enhancement" patches raises the question of whether or not movie theaters are in danger of becoming extinct. Mark Wiley, the executive producer of "Quantum Project," doesn't think so; he explains: "I don't think this is threat to the entertainment industry, the film industry. The experience you get watching a movie in a theater is completely different than one you get watching in your house, naked.
Cherry Poppin' Wiley
Smooth talking Mark Wiley hopes to deflower other portions of the Internet with his huge files.
Until we all get giant screens in our houses with superior digital sound, theaters have nothing to worry about. We did this more to be able to say, 'Hey, we can do this and succeed,' and to pop the 'net's cherry. And was it a nice cherry to pop. I tell you, there's nothing like cramming a huge 170 megabyte movie file into those virgin and still tight fiber optic pipes…God, I need a cigarette."

While many will argue the merits of a "made for/straight to Internet" movie, few will disagree with the assessment of movie critics who have lambasted the movie. Jason Sanborn of the New Mexico Reporter described the film as "a mess of digital bits that boils down to a sci-fi-rom-com-action-mystery in which quantum physics, 3 colliding VW Bugs, and John Cleese manage to bring a guy back together with his ex-girlfriend. I was more entertained wiping gum off the bottom of my shoe after watching 'Sliding Doors.'" Melanie Perez of the Scobey Reporter agrees by saying, "the movie's tagline, 'Until you look for it, it doesn't exist,' means there's still hope to save the world from this disaster, provided we get enough people to not look for it."The only official dissenting opinions thus far come from Peter Travers, who touted the movie as "the best Internet movie of the summer," and Harry Knowles, who continues to whore himself by providing several possible review quotes:
Now sponsored by Turbonium!
"Quantum Project" provides people with their yearly requirement of red VW Beetles and bickering lovers inside of tunnels.
"This movie rocks…this is why the 'net was invented…it's a total synergy of all good things…now I don't have to remove my ass from the sofa to watch a movie…and I don't have to leave my house and put up with people laughing at me."

Regardless of the opinions surrounding this event, one thing is for certain and can be agreed upon by all – The Sci-Fi Channel will find a way to air "Quantum Project" as a "Sci-fi Original." Shred could not be reached for comment as he was busy listening to his "Alien Voices" MP3s.

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