God Missing; Feared Dead

October 19, 1999
THE VATICAN
After several years of denying rumors that God has gone missing, the Vatican has finally acknowledged that the Almighty Lord, which millions turn to for prayer, has indeed been missing for over fifty years. "Ever since Nietszche said he was dead over a hundred years ago, we've been getting lots of calls asking to verify that, and for years, we've told people it simply was not true," said a holy spokesman.

The last known photo of the Almighty Being of Light known to friends as "God." Taken in 1946, it shows God with adoring female fans.

"However, over five decades ago, we received a message from the Big Man saying he was going on vacation for a few days, but we never heard back from him," he continued.

While the possibility that God took an extended vacation is possible, many others believe he has completely abandoned the universe he created or is dead. Leading theologist, Reston Paris, believes that the abandonment of the universe is in the realm on the possible. "God has always been a bitch when it comes to things. He's not the ideal 'father' everyone makes him out to be and the whole atom bomb-Hitler thing might have ticked him off," he commented. Ronaldo Perez has a differing opinion, believing his vision of the Virgin Mary which told him to get help because God "got piss drunk, tripped over a wormhole, and split his head on a quasar." Further proof pointing in the direction of God's demise is a recently released 911 emergency call made by famed double homicider, OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson's 911 tape transcript:

911: 911 emergency, how may I save your life today?
SIMPSON: This is OJ Simpson!
911: Who'd you kill this time?

OJ Simpson admits to being guilty in the search for God's real killers, who he thinks are Satan and PEDRO GUERRERO.

SIMPSON: Oh, God! I need help!
911: What's wrong?
SIMPSON: I think God is dead!
911: Excuse me?
SIMPSON: God! I think he's dead! It's been two weeks and my prayers for getting signed to do the new "Naked Gun" movie haven't been answered yet!
911: I'm sorry, God is dead?
SIMPSON: Yes!
911: Did you slice his head off?
SIMPSON: No! He's been doing drugs with PEDRO GUERRERO!
911: Pedro Guerrero?
SIMPSON: Yes, PEDRO GUERRERO. He was arrested for selling two kilos of heroin for Satan! PEDRO GUERRERO!
911: Is someone hurt?
SIMPSON: YES! GOD IS DEAD! PEDRO GUERRERO KILLED HIM!
911: How do you know this?
SIMPSON: It's in PEDRO GUERRERO'S name! Rearrange the letters! It says U PEE ERROR GOD! PEDRO GUERRERO KILLED GOD!
911: Fuck you, idiot.
[911 operator hangs up]

Detectives from Interpol would not comment on the 911 tape or the investigation of the missing deity, but people close to the case say Satan is the primary suspect. An anonymous source tells HGNews, "we don't know where [Satan] is. When we went to his place of residence, there didn't seem to be anyone there, save a couple of hellhounds and demons." Representatives for the artist formerly known as the Prince of Darkness would only say their client has been away for the past century, attending to family problems and preparing for the upcoming apocalypse where "Satan's dark forces would destroy the powers of light after shoving a 13 cubit long sandle up God's candy ass."

An ashamed Pope admits God has been missing and eases the pain of followers by explaining the theory behind "vox mail."

The Pope has addressed concerns that people praying to God over the past half century have had their prayers fall on deaf ears, because "God has a marvelous system called vox mail which he can check from any location." Unfortunately, a "vox mail" system would not be useful if God is in fact dead. Bowing to pressure by "Nietszchists," the church has promised to return any money deposited in collection plates or used to purchase prayer candles if a proof of purchase or deposit is provided. In the meantime, key religious leaders are in negotiations to have the deities of other religions to pick up the slack created by the disappearance of God.